


Come in Out of the Dark

by Weepingangelswillrise



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Depression, Little Eliot, Little Quentin, M/M, Momma Margo, Multi, Non-Sexual Age Play, Non-Sexual Spanking, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2019-04-24 12:06:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 48,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14355111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weepingangelswillrise/pseuds/Weepingangelswillrise
Summary: Quentin is struggling with his depression and his negative self thoughts. The negative thoughts win and he does something he later regrets. Eliot tries to help Quentin out of this dark place. Margo eventually gets involved and tries the only thing she can think of to try and fix her friends.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first venture into writing fanfiction. I fell in love with this show, and the characters despite being in science fiction felt so relatable. The first few chapters are going to be dark, if this isn't your thing don't read, be safe.

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Quentin was sat slumped over on his bed in the cottage, the place where physical kids called home. The only problem was that he had not shown strength in a particular form of magic. On the end of his bed was a copy of the Fillory and Further Book 1. His gaze rested on this book slightly blurry with held back tears, he could feel the book mocking him. He didn’t feel worthy of being here, despite the fact that this is the first place he felt like he belonged in a long time.

He could hear Eliot and Margo downstairs preparing for tonight’s party. He knew he was going to be dragged into attending it, but he really didn’t feel up for being around people. Being at parties at the cottage felt as close to being alone as one could get when they were surrounded by other loud magicians. He closed his eyes and felt a few tears leak out, “ _Why am I like this_ ” he thought as he clutched his pillow to his chest.  

There was the glinting gleam of metal not far from him that caught his eye, he considered it with its sharp edge tempting him. Closing his eyes, he could see the blood pooling at the surface of his skin, and it both terrified him and calmed him. He took a moment to breathe away the urge and quickly before he could change his mind put away the boxcutter. Stowing it away in his bedside drawer, for safe keeping.

There was a knock at the door before it was thrown open. Quentin looked up and he immediately felt a sense of relief because he was no longer alone and anxiety when his eyes met Eliot’s. “Hey sad sack, come on down and I’ll make you a drink” the tall brunette exclaimed. Without another moments rest Quentin was being led by the hand downstairs, where the music alerted him that the party had already begun.

Quentin was just about to run off back to his room to contemplate his existence, when Alice walked in. It was no secret that he liked her a lot. She approached him with a smile that was made him feel weak in the knees. “Hey Q” Alice said.

“Oh, Alice, hey…” Quentin trailed off awkwardly, pulling his sleeves into his fists. He was no good at social situations, they made him nervous and when he got nervous he could never find words. This made conversing with anyone difficult, let alone someone he could potentially see himself with.  

Eliot appeared from behind the bar and with a wink he handed Quentin a cup. Unsure of what was in the cup but desperate for some courage he downed the drink and looked back to Alice who had on into a conversation with Penny who had just walked in. Quentin looked back at Eliot who had disappeared back behind the bar. He sighed, he hoped that an encouraging look from Eliot would give him courage to go approach Alice and Penny.  

Quentin was not much of a talker and had difficulty beginning conversations so he stood back and watched Alice laugh with Penny, from the distance it seemed like flirting. Quentin sank into the couch feeling stupid for being so nervous to talk to someone who he would consider a friend. He took to observing the people around him, people watching did not require social interaction. This is what he was good at, watching people live their lives without really living his own. Eliot had popped his head out from behind the bar, and Quentin could see his eyes sparkle as he spoke to Margo. Margo scared Quentin, if only because she was older and seemed to have a permanent scowl on her face. Then, there was Penny and Alice who were recently joined by Kady who was also intimidating. Okay maybe everyone was intimidating, maybe another drink would help.

Quentin looked back towards the bar and his eyes met Eliot’s. He must have been able to sense something in his eyes because he began to make his way over to the couch where Quentin sat. He plopped down next to Q.

“What’s wrong Q? Not feeling it?” Eliot babbled, putting a hand on Quentin’s knee.

“What…Huh? Nothing I was just thinking.” Quentin responded blushing.

“Well that’s never a good thing” Eliot stated with a smirk.

Quentin glared at him, and yet Eliot smiled brightly.

“Maybe I’m just not in a party mood” Quentin said, not sure if Eliot who since he got to the school had adopted him as his project, could tell that he was not in a good place.

Quentin didn’t even know why he was falling down the hole, just knew that he was going to a place that he should never be alone. “ _Stupid brain chemistry_ ” Quentin scolded his brain.

Eliot couldn’t help but thinking “ _You’re never in a party mood_ ” but thought better of saying anything to avoid Quentin feeling worse. He wanted to reach out and hug him, but he didn’t want it to be awkward. Instead he gave Quentin a curt nod and a sympathetic smile before disappearing, making a mental note of the time so he could check on Quentin a bit later.

With that Quentin made his way back upstairs, knowing that within an hour Eliot would be upstairs to try to drag him back down. He fell into his bed feeling the heavy against the mattress, thinking about the look of pity on Eliot’s face. After a moment he sat back up, picking up the book that was left abandoned on the corner of his bed. In a moment of pure frustration, he threw the book at the wall. He gazed down at the disheveled book laying on the floor, and pulled his knees in to his chest sighing deeply.

In the quietness of his room secluded from the noise of the party downstairs his brain started to go down the hole. He knew if he went there that it would take more than he had to come back out. “ _What’s wrong with you_ ” “ _Why are you such a failure at the most basic human function of social interaction_ ” “ _How have you even made it this far_ ” These were the thoughts that ran through his mind.

He found his eyes gazing toward the nightstand drawer. “ _Do it, you know you deserve it_ ” his mind played. Quentin squinted his eyes shut and let out a deep breath hoping that this would squash the voice in his head telling him to fall back down that path. The all too familiar path that led to his first stay in the Psychiatric Hospital. He looked down at his lap, where there were scars littered beneath the fabric of his pants. He rolled his pant leg up and looked at his work, these marked his past failures, most of the scars were white and some were still an angry pink, some were thin and some were probably worthy of stitches despite him not seeking medical care. He breathed out heavily and traced along one with his finger, silently making his decision.

Without thinking the drawer slammed open and the boxcutter was sitting in front of him on the bed. He touched it as if testing to see if it was real. Finally, he picked it up and slide out the blade. He felt a sense of relief as the blade slid across his skin, and before he was even aware of what he was doing there were several slices along his calf. He looked down calmly and was slightly horrified by what he did, but did not react. There was a lot of blood, the amount freaked him out a bit. There was a knock at the door, and he looked toward the clock and realizing his grave mistake. It had been almost an hour and now Eliot was at his door. He quickly threw the boxcutter back in his drawer and closed it. He then scrambled to find something, anything to cover his leg. In a moment of pure idiocy, he threw the leg of his khaki pants back down over the pools of blood. Less than a second later Eliot was standing in front of him with a sparkle in his eyes and a goofy grin on his face. Quentin felt something in that moment that he had not felt before. Before in his daze he could identify the emotion, Eliot’s eyes cast down to his pant leg which was quickly soaking with blood and were filled with a well-recognized emotion, pity.

“Quentin, what did you do?” Eliot’s voice fell, painted with concern.

Without much more than glance, Eliot scooped Quentin up and brought him into the bathroom. Eliot plopped him on the closed toilet seat and kneeled in front of him. He pulled up the leg of Quentin’s pants and using a towel from the rack he wrapped Quentin’s leg.

“Do you want to tell me about it Q?” Eliot’s voice pulled Quentin out of his own dazed mind.

“Is that a serious question” Quentin retorted trying to cover his shame with his snarkiness.  

“Of course, it is, especially coming from someone on their knees in the bathroom cleaning up your mess. Trust me this is not how I imagined the first time on my knees in front of you” He chuckled at the end trying to lighten up the mood. He continued to busy himself cleaning up Quentin’s leg

“It’s just my stupid broken brain” Quentin started “I just don’t know, I was angry and empty and frustrated, and it just happened, I don’t remember doing it, I just remember the flood of relief when it was done, and then shame when you came in.” Quentin babbled and then began to hyperventilate.

“Oh, Q… Shhhh… it’s okay, we can fix this… Okay, well make this better” Eliot hunted for the words that might help his hurting friend feel better. He finally had Quentin’s leg cleaned up enough to see the damage that was done. He took in a sharp breath.

“That bad huh” came Quentin’s voice.

“No no no honey, it’s alright we’ll get this fixed up” Eliot reassured him. He reached into a medical looking bag and pulled out some tape, using strips of the tape he created make shift stiches to prevent him from having to go to the infirmary. After some painfully long minutes Eliot stood up and looked down at Quentin.

“Come on, can’t have you walking around in those bloody pants” Eliot stated as he led him back to his room. Eliot threw a pair of black pants onto his bed. “Change into these and let’s go get a drink” Eliot sounded like he was in desperate need of one himself.  

After he was changed, Quentin followed Eliot out of the room and down the stairs. Eliot found two glasses and a bottle of wine and with that they were on their way outside. Eliot led them to a secluded section in the garden, “Sit” He commanded. Quentin looked down and saw there was a woven blanket by his feet.

Both of them sat down, and after a moment of awkward silence Eliot spoke. “I figured we’d need this for the conversation that we are about to have” He gestured to the wine bottle.

“We could just not have the conversation” Quentin offered with a half-hearted smile.

“Oh no, we are going to have this conversation, whether I want to or not” Eliot countered.

Quentin looked at him confused, he should be the one who didn’t want this conversation to occur.

Eliot uncorked the wine bottle and filled the glasses and handed Quentin one. Taking a sip, he began “So do you want to talk first or listen first” Quentin looked dismayed, he really did not need a lecture especially by someone who he valued as a friend.

“Okay I’ll take that as you don’t want to talk, that’s fine, where should I begin” Eliot said. He took a deep breath in and released it slowly. He downed the rest of his wine in the most graceful manner possible, feeling Quentin’s gaze. He looked down, not really sure about what he was doing and slowly removed his jacket, it was not warm enough outside but this was important.

Quentin gazed at Eliot unsure of what was happening, when Eliot’s jacket came off Quentin noticed something peculiar, and realized he had never seen Eliot without a jacket on. Eliot could not believe he was doing this, he held this secret close to his heart. He took another deep breath before turning his arms outward. He sat there with his arms exposed positioned in this awkward position to let Quentin see. Eliot could feel his heart racing, this was not the first time someone saw his scars, but it was the first time it was him volunteering to do it.  

Quentin’s eyes fell on Eliot’s arms scattered upon them were what seemed like dozens of familiar little white lines. Quentin’s heart fell, and he took a breath in. “I’m sorry El, I had no idea” Quentin offered.

“Why would you know, no one knows unless I want them to” Eliot retorted. “I just wanted to let you know that this is why you are here with me drinking, and not locked up in some hospital right now” Eliot continued, never making eye contact he refilled his wine glass.

Quentin looked down not sure how to respond, Eliot just did what he could never imagine having to do, it’s almost worse than being naked. He noted that all of the scars were faint white lines, and he wondered how he ever made it that far.

“It wasn’t easy Q” Eliot responded as if he had read Quentin’s mind. “I hit rock bottom about 2 years ago, I realized that if I didn’t make some changes I wouldn’t make it” Eliot continued. “Even after I made my decision there were slip ups, and I still think about it from time to time” Eliot sympathized. In his head he screamed _all the time, all the fucking time,_ but he kept that to himself as to not detract from what he was saying.

Quentin considered Eliot’s words “I tried to stop once, after I got out of the hospital the first time, I made it like 3 weeks and then the emotions had built up so much that the only way was this.” Quentin mentioned taking a sip from his glass.

There was a silence that lasted for what seemed like too long and Quentin gulped the last of his wine. “So, about what you said when we were in the bathroom” Quentin started.

“Oh, you heard that, I was hoping you’d think you were hallucinating.” Eliot commented.

“Did you really mean it, or were you just teasing me?” Quentin asked.

“Oh Q, if you weren’t so blinded by Alice you would see.” Eliot sang.

“But I didn’t even think you liked me that much, just thought I was your project for the year” Quentin continued.

“Oh sweetie, if I didn’t like you I wouldn’t try so hard to get you to spend time outside of your room, it’s not a project it’s my way of getting closer to you” Eliot’s voice sounded hurt.

“Why would anyone want to be closer to me, I’m such a screw up?” Quentin shot back

“We don’t choose who we fall for Q” Eliot argued. “You have this adorable nature that radiates off of you, and I can’t help but smile when you’re near me” Eliot continued.

Quentin smiled shyly and he felt that strange feeling that he felt before, he has come to realize they were butterflies. He was so awestruck by Eliot that he has butterflies. “I figured it out” Quentin stated.

“What is that?” Eliot asked

“I had a weird feeling earlier when you came into my room, I had never felt before, I think it the nerves in my stomach telling me you were special.” Quentin explained

Eliot smiled and moved closer to Quentin on the blanket, and Quentin leaned in and kissed him softly. Eliot accepted and returned this act of affection, kissing him deeper and slightly more aggressively. When they broke apart, Quentin moved closer to Eliot and leaned into him so that his upper body was resting on Eliot.

“I’m sorry you had to find me like that” Quentin said softly.

“Don’t be, I’m glad that I could be there for you” Eliot responded, “Just try not to do it again” Eliot added.

“You of all people should know how difficult that is” Quentin interjected.

“I’m not asking for any promises Q, just an effort, I don’t want to lose you” Eliot clarified his voice becoming softer.

“Alright, for you I’ll make the effort” Quentin said, “I’m just worried about the next time I fall victim to my brain’s cruel jokes” He added.

“I’ll be here for you, ya know to talk or stuff, or to just let you lay on me until you feel less like you’re at war with yourself.” Eliot murmured running his hand through Quentin’s hair.

Eliot refilled their glasses, and continued to sip at it, “Would you like some company tonight, to make sure you stay safe?” Eliot asked with a note of sympathy in his voice.

Quentin could tell that this was something he wished he had when he was in his position, by the kindness in his eyes. It was at this point that tears started to escape from his eyes. He had the intense desire to curl up in a ball, so he made due with his current situation and curled up into Eliot’s chest. Eliot wrapped one arm around him, and with the other began stroking his hair gently.

The next thing he knew he was waking up with Eliot curled around him in an unfamiliar room, which he assumed to be Eliot’s. Eliot stirred and opened his eyes slightly and smiled.

“Thank you, El, for everything” he said sleepily and then curled back up into him.


	2. Quentin's Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eliot let's it slip that he's not as recovered as he made it seem.

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Quentin awoke again and Eliot was gone. He panicked for a moment until he heard his voice drifting up the stairs from the kitchen. The smell of coffee was sweet in the air and he rose from the bed. He shuffled back to his room to change, and when he removed his pants he had a painful reminder of last night’s mistakes. There was dried blood crusted between the make shift stitches Eliot made out of tape, he sighed before pulling on a new pair of pants. He pulled on a shirt as he made his way to the door of his room and went to join Eliot downstairs. Eliot sounded joyful, as he was having an animated conversation with Margo. When Quentin joined them in the kitchen Eliot handed him a cup of coffee with a sympathetic smile. Quentin nodded and thanked him.

Quentin wasn’t sure how much Eliot told her, but he must have told her something, she is his best friend. If Margo did know, she didn’t make a big deal of it.

“How was your party last night?” Quentin tried to make small talk.

“Well you’d know if you could drag your nose out of those Fillory books long enough to join us.” Margo sneered.

“Bambi!” Eliot scolded, trying to defend Quentin. “Not everyone can be as much of a social butterfly as we are.” Eliot commented with a flare.

That interaction answered Quentin’s question, Margo did not know anything and he wasn’t sure if it was because Eliot was ashamed or if it was because he didn’t want to out him without checking first.

Margo glared at Eliot and reworded her response “I hardly remember it, so that must mean it was a good one” she tried. Eliot nodded, silently thanking her for listening to him.

“Q can I talk to you for a minute?” Eliot questioned in a quiet voice.

“Uh, sure” Quentin answered and followed Eliot out of the room still carrying his coffee.

They walked upstairs together and the door was shut. “So that was awkward.” Eliot stated matter of factly.

“I figured you would have told her something.” Quentin shot back.

“I would never, those are your truths to tell, I can never make that decision for you.” Eliot reasoned.

“Oh, I was starting to worry that you were ashamed of me and that’s why you didn’t tell Margo” Quentin’s voice came softly.

“Oh, Q. I was just trying to respect your privacy, by all means if it will reassure you of how I feel, we can go tell her right now.” Eliot responded.

Quentin smiled feeling better, and leaned in close to Eliot to peck him on the cheek. Eliot swept Quentin up and tossed him on his bed, following him onto the bed Eliot kissed him deeply. In the middle of their moment there was a knock at the door, it had to be Margo. Eliot pulled away as Margo entered.

Quentin quickly looked away, feeling his nerves cause his heart rate to skyrocket and his stomach to turn.  

“Bambi, what’s up?” Eliot tried to avoid the awkwardness of the situation.

“El, did I just interrupt something” Margo questioned raising an eyebrow.

Quentin scurried out of the room embarrassed, mostly because he was still afraid of Margo a little bit. It didn’t matter how many times Eliot called her that cutesy nickname she still was intimidating.

“Are you and Q?” Margo started.

Eliot held up one finger and disappeared, only to reappear with Quentin trailing behind, somewhat reluctantly. The door was shut and subsequently locked behind them.

“Maybe we should sit,” Eliot suggested gesturing to his pristinely made bed, not remembering making it. He shook his head deciding that Quentin must have made it out of politeness. Eliot then looked to Quentin to start as he was the only one who could decide how much Margo would know.

“What in the hell is this about” Margo demanded irritably.

“Q, you’re the only one who can do this” Eliot encouraged.

“Okay, well let’s make this as unawkward as possible, I have feelings for Eliot, and I think or hope that maybe he has some feelings for me too.” Quentin offered.

“Of course, I do, you idiot” Eliot responded.

“Positive ones?” Quentin teased trying to lighten the mood.

Eliot gave him a look that made him just about melt, in response to his utterly silly question.

Margo’s scowl dropped, and she had a look on her face that Quentin could not place. “Are you serious” Margo retorted trying not to smile.

Eliot glared at Margo “He’s a good one Bambi, we could be good for each other” he commented.

Something in Margo’s eyes changed in that moment. Of course, Eliot and Margo have been best friends since they started school, she must have known. Somehow based on those words, she must have understood them on a different level.

Margo got closer and hugged Eliot she whispered in his ear something that Quentin could not hear, and he wasn’t sure if Eliot would tell him later or not. Margo then approached Quentin and gave him a half-hearted hug and whispered to him slightly louder “If you hurt him, I will hurt you” Quentin nodded his acceptance of the statement. He had no intention of hurting Eliot so it likely wouldn’t be a problem.

“El we have to leave for class” Margo’s expression returned to her normal resting bitch face.

“Bambi, go ahead I’ll be there shortly, there is something I have to take care of first” Eliot responded.

Once Margo left the room, Eliot closed and locked the door. He sat down on the bed and motioned for Quentin to sit. “Aren’t you going to be late to class?” Quentin asked.

“Who cares, this is much more important” Eliot stated. First, he kissed Quentin softly on the lips and then motioned for him to slide back on the bed, He turned around and out came that familiar medical looking bag. Quentin didn’t see this coming but knew Eliot was right. He wasn’t going to take care of it himself, he’d rather let himself suffer. His pant leg was gently pulled upwards as Eliot examined his own handiwork.

“Looks worse by the light of day” Eliot muttered.

“I thought the same thing this morning” Quentin agreed. “The morning after, I always feel stupid about it. But for some reason I always go back to it, guess cause the immediate effects weigh more than the long-term ones.”

“I understand Q, you don’t have to defend your actions to me, I’ve been there. I only wish I had a boyfriend as devilishly handsome to fix me up when I fucked up as you do.” came Eliot’s response.

“This might hurt” Eliot warned.

“And that should bother me?” Quentin’s voice trailed off.

“Not everyone does it for the pain Q, some people want to feel the control, the pain is just an unfortunate side effect” Eliot quipped.

“I have fallen into it for both, I guess” Quentin responded.

“So, there is a little bit of masochism here huh, I can work with that” Eliot teased.

 With that the first piece of tape was ripped from his skin, a little trickle of blood left in its wake. By the time he was finished Quentin’s cuts were seeping out a little bit of blood. Quentin didn’t care, Eliot on the other hand felt a little bit guilty. He patted them with a tissue and his gaze diverted to the other scars that littered his leg. He couldn’t help but think of all the times when Quentin needed someone and no one was there for him.

“Can I ask you what Margo told you?” Quentin asked to try and get the man to stop examining his scars, he tried to be okay with it but it made him slightly uncomfortable. Having someone look that closely at his skin marred by self-inflicted scars was so intimate and unnerving, it was like walking into a room naked. Not to mention this usually came with the same look of pity that Eliot had been giving him all morning.

Eliot brought his attention back to the conversation, as he took out the antibacterial ointment and began to spread it on the wounds. “She told me not to let you drag me down the rabbit hole with you.” Eliot revealed.

“El, I didn’t even think about that, I can’t imagine how hard this is for you.” Quentin sympathized.

“Q, I don’t want you to worry about me, I’ll be fine, and if not, Bambi will probably kick both our asses” Eliot reassured him while he was applying thick bandages to the cuts.

“Does that mean she knows?” Quentin sounded nervous.

“She doesn’t know exactly, she just knows that there is something” Eliot explained as he rolled his pantleg back down and patted his leg.

“Should I talk to her?” Quentin asked.

“If you want to you can, just let me warn her so she isn’t such a raging bitch to you” Eliot joked.

“Does she know everything, you know, about you?” Quentin asked.

Eliot considered his words tilting his head to one side then opened his mouth “She knows most of it, as she is my best friend” _and my secrets partner_ came a voice in Eliot’s head, but Eliot knew he wasn’t supposed to tell the first years about that before their trials. “However, there are a few things that have happened more recently that she doesn’t. She knows that the last time I got involved with someone who had their own set of problems, I fell and it took a lot to pull me back. But she doesn’t know that I have slipped up since then, it was only here and there so I didn’t tell her, so she wouldn’t worry” Eliot explained not making eye contact with Quentin, feeling ashamed of what he was admitting.

“Please leave me if you ever feel like I am pulling you down, I would never be able to forgive myself.” Quentin spoke clearly with sadness in his voice. Then he realized what Eliot said “Wait what? How? I saw your arms last night everything was white and scarred over?” He finished.

“Q, I was trying to reassure you, of course I wouldn’t show you anything that would make you feel like I was a failure, it would contradict the point” Eliot answered back. He realized he was missing class, but he didn’t care this was far too important, and Margo would tell him what he missed. Once she forgave him for skipping class without her.

Quentin gave Eliot a sad look “I wouldn’t have thought you were a failure El, but can I ask how long ago it was?”

“You can ask, but I don’t know how much I want to tell you” Eliot answered. He thought again, and toyed with a loose thread on the hem of his jacket. “But since I saw yours last night, I guess it’s only fair that we bond over this common fuckup we both share” Eliot revised his statement. “Just don’t ignore the other insightful shit I said last night, it was good from what I remember” Eliot ended.

With that Eliot started to remove his jacket, he could feel his anxiety level increasing, taking in a sharp breath he tried to calm his nerves. He hesitated for a moment longer, not quite yet ready to bare himself in front of Quentin. Mostly because he was ashamed of himself, but also because despite Quentin being similar to him in this way, he was still afraid of judgement.

Quentin’s gaze met Eliot’s, encouraging him with a gentle and calming smile. Eliot’s hands fell to the bottom hem of his shirt and he felt numb as he pulled it off. His skin was pale and soft, save for 13 long red marks in various stages of healing on his shoulder. The most recent one based on Quentin’s judgement, was probably from yesterday.

“El, when was that from?” Quentin asked with concern in his voice. 

Eliot hesitated and couldn’t make eye contact.

“They are from last night, aren’t they?” Quentin asked trying to keep the disappointment out of his voice.

Eliot didn’t say anything, he just stared at the rug on the floor so hard the colors were merging together. He could feel Quentin staring at him, and he felt so much shame and nodded.

“El, I’m so sorry, this is my fault” Quentin apologized.

“No, Q. You didn’t know, that I’d walk in on you or that I was battling the same thing every day” Eliot comforted him.

Quentin leaned in closer and reached out to touch the freshest of the marks, and Eliot tried his best not to recoil from the touch. He planted a soft kiss on his cheek and let himself fall into the bed, curling up. He wasn’t sure what Eliot would do, but then he felt the warmth of Eliot’s body along his back. Quentin’s body shook as he started to break down, unable to deal with what he had caused.

“Q, you couldn’t have known no one did, and you didn’t do this to me, I’m sorry, sometimes I just get so overconfident, that the world feels the need to knock me down a peg.” Eliot babbled. Quentin wasn’t really listening he was just contemplating how he could remove himself from Eliot’s life, so that he never caused him this much pain again.

He had a plan, he was going to find Margo and tell her everything he knew about last night including about himself, and then he was going to remove himself from the situation to ensure he never caused Eliot pain again.  

He needed to find Margo alone, and he wasn’t quite sure how to do that since she and Eliot were pretty much attached at the hip.

Despite being so close to Eliot right now, Quentin felt so completely alone. Then he felt the slow breaths of Eliot on the back of his neck and a quiet snoring. Quentin took opportunity to extract himself from Eliot’s arms and go wait downstairs for Margo to return from class.


	3. The Plan Unfolds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quentin realizes he is hurting Eliot and needs to do something to stop it. Which ends up causing more problems for both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains a suicide attempt, it is not horribly graphic, but it's not for me to decide what can trigger a person. If this makes you at all uncomfortable stop reading. Be safe.

Quentin sat on the couch and waited to hear the door open and the click of Margo’s heels on the wood. He sat doubled over with his elbows on his lap and his head in his hands. He couldn’t get out of his head the pain in Eliot’s eyes, and the just barely scabbed over marks on his shoulder.

The door slammed open, and Quentin’s head shot up. Margo was seething, was this going to be a bad time, but was there ever going to be a good time though?

“Margo…” Quentin trailed off.

“Quentin?” Margo seemed confused, she was pretty sure that Quentin was afraid of him so the fact that he was speaking to her threw her off. Especially without Eliot to protect him.

“Can we uh… Talk for a minute?” Quentin sounded nervous.

Margo rolled her eyes and walked over to the slumped over shape that was Quentin.

“It’s about El” Quentin squeaked softly.

Margo’s eyes softened and she nodded “Let’s take this somewhere else, shall we?” came her response.

Quentin nodded his head, knowing going somewhere else would limit the chance that Eliot finds out he told before he could get away.

The shorter brunette walked briskly through one of the side hallways toward a room he had never been in. The walls were a dark pinkish purple and there was a mandala patterned quilt on the bed. He assumed this to be Margo’s room, but he wasn’t too sure.

“Spill” Margo commanded.

“Eliot doesn’t know I’m talking to you” Quentin said in a rush.

“No shit” Margo commented “Why are we here Q?”

“Eliot told me what you whispered to him earlier, he told me that you knew about him, but not everything…” Quentin continued. “I think I hurt him Margo” He whispered.

“What did you do?” Margo seethed with anger.

Quentin stared at the ground hard. “When he came to try and bring me downstairs last night he walked in on me…” started and trailed off.

“Fucking?” Margo questioned not sure where Quentin was going with this.

“I screwed up real bad, and Eliot burst in and saw all the blood” Quentin skirted around saying what he had truly done.

Margo sighed. “Oh Q,” she said softly and put a hand on his shoulder. He clearly didn’t need to say what he had done.

“How bad is it?” Margo asked.

“For me or for him?” Quentin responded.

“Both I guess. You’re in his life now I guess I should make an effort on this one” Margo offered.

“You don’t have to, I just don’t want to pull him down with me” Quentin echoed Margo’s earlier statement to Eliot.

“Just talk to me you idiot” Margo sat down on the bed and patted the spot next to her where she wanted him to sit.

Quentin shuffled over to the bed and sat down and gazed at his lap.

“I have this brain chemistry thing, and I just lost it, before I realized what I was doing El was knocking at my door.” Quentin offered.

“He does have a habit of just bursting into rooms” Margo added.

“Well he saw the blood seeping through my pant leg, he took care of me, helped me clean it up.” Quentin blushed his eyes never leaving his lap.

“Honey” Margo’s voice took an uncharacteristic gentleness, and she wrapped an arm around him and brought him closer to her.

This touch sent Quentin into tears, “I care about him, and I can’t do this” Quentin cried.

“Breathe Q, we’ll get this all sorted out and it will be fine.” Margo said.

“Oh, it will be, once I stop inflicting Eliot with my own shit” Quentin muttered.

 Margo half heard this comment and thought nothing of it. She put a hand on Quentin’s knee and said, “What did Eliot do?”

“I guess seeing me like that, just pushed him over the edge, but when I saw them this morning there were marks ranging from last night to 2 weeks ago”

“That dumbass, he promised me.” Margo scowled.

“These kinds of promises are hard to make, and even harder to keep Margo” Quentin defended Eliot.

“Q, thank you for telling me, and don’t be surprised if Eliot doesn’t speak to you for a while, he’ll probably throw a hissy fit like only he can” Margo laughed.

“Oh, don’t worry I’ll be gone before that” Quentin said softly under his breath, as Margo turned away to go harass Eliot.

Quentin got up and disappeared into his room hearing Margo down the hall knocking on Eliot’s door.

He rummaged through the drawer looking for the boxcutter, but instead found a neatly folded up piece of paper that read.

_Nice try but I took your toy, next time try taking deep breaths--- Love EL_

Quentin balled his hands into a fist and let out a deep breath, _that asshole_. He tapped his foot angrily, what to do now. His eyes lit up as he came up with a plan. He waltzed into the bathroom and pulled open every drawer, not exactly finding what he was looking for but something good enough, a small compact mirror left behind from some past resident of this room. He took a deep breath and threw the compact to the ground and heard a crack. All he needed was one broken edge to fix this problem that he had created.

He opened the compact and removed the largest shard of the mirror. He looked at it breathing deeply, usually it did not take this much strength to do it, maybe because this time the intent was different. He held the glass to his wrist and he did what he knew in his heart he had to do, the last thing he heard was footsteps in the hall outside his room.

_-At the same time in Eliot’s room-_

Margo stormed into Eliot’s room where Eliot was motionless on the bed. “Eliot” she shouted. Eliot stirred but did not make any move to get up. Margo walked closer to the bed and shoved Eliot over.

“Bambi” Eliot greeted dazed, he was not quite awake enough to realize he hadn’t put a shirt back on.

“El, we gotta have a talk” she said sitting down on the edge of the bed smoothing out her skirt.

Eliot picked his head up off the pillow and looked to her. “Shit, he talked didn’t he” Eliot demanded.

“El, you need to listen carefully” Margo started “Q has way too much in his brain to also feel the weight of his impact on you to worry about” Margo explained. “This poor socially awkward child is hurting more because he can’t stand the thought of him hurting you” Margo clarified.

Eliot sighed, “He wasn’t even supposed to find out Bambi”.

“El sit up, this is important” Margo commanded.

“I can’t” he claimed slightly embarrassed.

“I swear Eliot if you didn’t want me to see it you shouldn’t have done it” Margo argued.

Eliot slowly rose but never looked up to meet Margo’s gaze.

“El, what did you do…” Margo placed a kiss on his shoulder as she felt her heart drop.

“Please don’t hate me, I need love” Eliot’s voice came somewhere between a cry and a whine.

The marks on Eliot’s shoulder were red and tender, and Margo wanted so much to hate him for this, but she cared far too much about this man, he was her best friend. No one else liked her enough to hang around her all the time. So, she had to figure out how to deal with his ups and downs and right now is very much a down.

“El, don’t hate on Quentin too much, he was just worried about you, and now I know why” She said as she brushed her finger over the newest of the marks.

Eliot recoiled, “Bambi, don’t be nice to me… I fucked up I know, and pity doesn’t make me less of a royal fuckup” came the response.

The room fell silent for a moment, and in that moment, there was a crash in a room down the hallway, neither of them thought anything of it.

Eliot started to think about it, “Bambi, where is Q?” there was something vaguely threatening about something he had said earlier in the day and he wasn’t exactly sure what it was.

Margo’s face changed as she was thinking, she remembered him saying something about not being around for El to be mad. Her expression dropped from deep in thought to fear. “He said something before in my room, something about not being around for you to be mad at.” Margo mentioned alarm showing in her eyes.

“Fuck, he wouldn’t” Eliot’s response came full of worry.

“Damn it” Margo shouted. With that, both of them were out the door on the way down the hall to Quentin’s room. Without knocking they threw the door open. He wasn’t there but the bathroom door was closed.

“El, let me okay” Margo offered leaving Eliot in the bedroom. She disappeared into the bathroom shutting the door behind her. “Quentin!” Margo shouted upon seeing him sitting on the floor with his back against the shower stall. His eyes were closed, and his body was limp and pale. She shoved him a little bit, and saw what was a poor attempt to open his eyes.

“Just leave me alone Margo” Quentin begged.

“Bambi, I’m coming in.” Eliot called from outside the bathroom.

“No” Margo and Quentin shouted in unison.

Margo looked down and saw the blood streaming from his arm, she grabbed the closest towel and held it to his arm, hoping that she would have the strength to keep both of these emotionally fucked up men in her life from drowning in self-hatred.

“El, we’re going to the infirmary, you can come but you are staying in the waiting room till he is patched up” Margo’s voice was somewhere between confident and terrified.

With that they whisked Quentin to the infirmary, where he would no doubt be put on a psychiatric hold.

Margo sat in the waiting room with Eliot. It was hard to tell who was in worse shape, the man who loved Q or the woman who might have missed the warning signs. Margo had her hand on Eliot’s knee and Eliot had not taken his eyes off of the floor.

“Maybe we should go for a walk, they said Q, wouldn’t be done for a while” Margo offered. Eliot just looked at her with a blank stare. Margo pulled out a pack of cigarettes and waved it in front of Eliot’s face.

Eliot’s eyes brightened slightly “Fine, but only for a minute” he gave in and walked outside.

Margo lit his cigarette for him and passed it to him, then lighting a second one for herself. Eliot’s lips wrapped around the cigarette and inhaled like his life depended on it. He could feel his body releasing some of the tension he was holding.

“I’m sorry Margo, I should have come to you when I was struggling, I just didn’t want you to pity me like you are right now.”

“Eliot, honey. I just want to help, and I can’t help if you don’t let me” Margo came back. The two of them finished their cigarettes and squished them with their shoes. They returned to the waiting area where there was now a medical student. They approached nervously.

“His wounds were severe, but we have done the best we can, he should be fine in a few hours.” Came the explanation from the young medical student.

“Thank you” the duo responded and followed the student to a white room that had a long stretcher in the middle of it. Quentin looked smaller than usual in this bed. 

“Oh Q” Eliot rushed to the side of the bed, he looked so small and fragile.

Quentin shifted in the bed and opened his eyes slightly. By the bright lights and the tension, he came to the conclusion that his attempt was unsuccessful. He wondered briefly which one of them had found him, and then decided it probably didn’t matter. They would probably both give him shit for months that or walk on eggshells around him.

He rose his head from the pillow and got a better look at his surroundings, the walls were glass and the bed was made from some bright white fabric. He brought his gaze to his arm which was attached to the bed with Velcro. There were at least a dozen little black stitches crawling up his arm, damn he did some damage. He thought about his previously unscathed arms and somewhere deep inside he felt regret, but mostly bitter that someone had stopped him.

Eliot held his hand as Quentin’s head made its way up to meet his eyes. Eliot looked like he had been crying, or smoking maybe both he couldn’t tell.

Margo sat in the corner of the room watching this moment transpire, she was filled with anger and guilt and decided it best to calm down before reacting. Quentin turned his head to the side and made eye contact with her, he was surprised she had been waiting, but it made sense Eliot needed someone to keep him sane while he waited.

He turned his head back to Eliot and opened his mouth “Why are you here, you should hate me.” Quentin said weakly, casting his eyes back down.

Eliot’s heart sank, all this time he was trying to pretend so hard that this wasn’t his fault. “I could never Q” Eliot comforted him

“He can throw a hell of a bitch fit though,” Margo commented reminding them of her presence.

Quentin smiled at that statement, she was right Eliot could be quite the drama queen. “ _Even if you don’t hate me, I still do”_ Quentin thought.

Eliot was still staring down at him making him feel as if he could never be left alone again. Which as far as Quentin knew right now was true. Quentin turned his gaze to Margo pleading her with his eyes to come over and take Eliot away, to keep him safe from the disaster zone that was his life.

Margo had a blank stare on her face she was clearly somewhere else thinking about something. Margo knew deep down if she had noticed some of the things Quentin had said, that she could have stopped this disaster. Her fists subconsciously clenched her nails leaving half crescent moon marks on her palms.

Eliot had looked up from Quentin briefly to notice Margo was clearly distraught. “Bambi?” Eliot called bringing her back from wherever her mind had wandered.

“Huh, what, yea” Margo responded.

Eliot patted Quentin’s hand and walked over to Margo. He held out a hand to her, which after raising an eyebrow she took. With that Margo was back on her feet and together they made their way back over to the bed in the middle of the room.

It was obvious to both of the men that Margo was having feelings they were just not sure what emotions Margo was feeling, she was terribly difficult to read. There was a long period of slightly uncomfortable silence that seemed to last days.

Quentin was the first to break the silence “I’m not sure what to say here” Quentin started “It crossed my mind to apologize, but I really did have the best intentions” he finished.

“How the fuck can you kill yourself with good intentions?” was Margo’s response.

Quentin looked down “I kept thinking about how I was only ever going to hurt Eliot, and I didn’t want to ever hurt him again” Quentin defended himself.

“And you didn’t think this was something that might hurt me” Eliot demanded his face beginning to turn red.

“I just thought I’d be gone before you stopped being pissed that I told Margo about your slip up” Quentin mumbled.

“I may be pissed, but I would never want you out of my life Q” Eliot reasoned. “I’m not saying I’m not pissed, cause by damn I am. But that we will deal with later” Eliot teased.

“I for one am pretty angry with both of you” Margo added. “Both of you need to start getting your shit together, because one day I’m going to be too emotionally drained to put you two back together.” Margo stated the exhaustion evident in her voice.

The men looked at her shocked, they weren’t expecting that one. “Margo, you don’t even like me” Quentin mentioned.

“We have been through a lot together recently Hun, I think we just have to accept that” Margo responded. Quentin couldn’t argue with that one.

The clack of shoes moving down the hallway startled them, and before they could identify where they were coming from a woman walked into the room.

Professor Lipson a tall woman with a short blond bob haircut waltzed in. “Mr. Coldwater” She called and Quentin turned his gaze toward her. “You gave your friends quite the scare” she noted with a hint of coldness in her voice.

Quentin dropped eye contact. He couldn’t imagine what was coming next from any of them.

“Would you mind giving us a minute” Professor Lipson asked Margo and Eliot.

“Not at all” Margo responded for both of them as she took Eliot’s hand and disappeared into the hall.

“So, Quentin can you tell me about why you tried to end your life” She asked bluntly.

_Really one of those questions, there are only a few good reasons to try and end your life and most of them involve wanting to cease to exist_ Quentin thought bitterly _._ Unsure of how to respond the best way for his future, so he just looked at her. “I… felt like I was making the world worse for being here” Quentin trailed off. “I should note that I have clinical depression” Quentin offered the information.

“Are you taking anything for it?” Lipson questioned.

“I was… I thought when I got here since I found someplace I belonged I wouldn’t need it, also it is hard to get prescription refills here” Quentin mentioned.

Professor Lipson sighed and shook her head. “Mental illness is not something to mess with Quentin” She scolded. Before his eyes a bottle of pills appeared, his name was scrawled across the front of the bottle. “Take them Quentin, you can’t expect a new set of circumstances to magically fix your problems.” “I’d also like to see you once a week, just to make sure that you are doing alright.” “If you agree I’ll let your friends take you home, I think you are in good hands with those ones” professor Lipson ended.

Quentin looked at the bottle and sighed, he knew that was coming. He picked up the bottle and turned it over in his hands before twisting the cap open and removing one pill. He put it in his mouth and swallowed it dry before replacing the cap. “Okay, thank you professor” Quentin agreed.

Professor Lipson nodded her head and disappeared out the door to locate his friends. 

What seemed like hours later Eliot and Margo popped back in. “Let’s go home idiot,” Eliot’s cheerful voice sounded forced.

“Someone wanna let me go then?” Quentin asked moving his arm to accentuate the Velcro straps.

Eliot chucked and waved one hand and the bindings were undone.

Quentin sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed, with Margo on one side and Eliot on the other he stood up.

“Let’s get you home” Margo said, then whispered in Quentin’s ear “don’t think we are done with this conversation” this sounded like a warning and Quentin felt anxiety grip his stomach.


	4. The Rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Margo has decided to help Quentin and Eliot deal with their problems. But will her method make their problems worse or better?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just as a warning, this chapter contains non-sexual consensual spanking. If that is something that makes your skin crawl kindly skip to the next chapter after the line.

* * *

 

 

* * *

 

Quentin had been released from the infirmary three days ago, and Eliot had hardly let him out of his sight. He made this stupid rule that he couldn’t close the bathroom door, which was unbelievably uncomfortable and slightly inconvenient. Quentin couldn’t help but remember Margo’s threat and wondered idly when she would expect to talk.

Quentin was laying in Eliot’s bed while Eliot practiced a spell he had been learning in class, he made it look so effortless, why couldn’t he do magic that easily.

“El?” Quentin asked hoping for a distraction from his thought.

Eliot stopped what he was doing and turned to look at Quentin, there was some tension that he couldn’t identify. Maybe he was still mad that he told Margo about the cutting.

“Q?” Eliot parroted.

“Can we talk?” Quentin asked.

“Famous last words” Eliot commented.

Quentin’s eyes pleaded with him, and Eliot gave in and walked over to the bed. He sat down on the edge and Quentin rested his head in his lap. “I’m sorry El.” He offered, “I didn’t mean to hurt you”.

Eliot put his hands in Quentin’s hair and pet it, and repeated “I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough” over and over again.

Quentin must have fallen asleep like that because the next thing he knew Margo was shaking him awake.

“Q, get up, it’s time we finished this conversation” she stated with no regard for the sleeping man’s feelings on the matter.

Quentin knew this was coming, he just wished it wasn’t right now. He sat up and noticed that Eliot had recoiled to the other side of the bed also looking slightly ashamed.

Margo sat down and began “You guys fucked up, you are aware of that right?” she paused for the boys to recognize her statement, both men were looking into their laps. “I was angry with both of you the other day, I don’t understand why you guys do what you do, but what I do understand is that you both have some bad feelings and have difficulty expressing them.”

Quentin and Eliot did not look up, not sure what to say.

“El, you have been my best friend for years and if I ever lost you I don’t know where I’d be. Q, you are with my best friend, and over the past few days we had a crash course in Quentin 101. That being said, y’all gotta get your shit together.” Margo commanded.

“I have a proposition that may help, some ground rules if you will” Margo offered.

Quentin looked at Eliot who was playing with a loose thread on his shirt. He didn’t seem too surprised by Margo’s proposition; his guess was that Margo approached him first.

“Well do you want to hear it or not?” Margo sounded agitated.

“Yea, I suppose” mumbled Quentin.

“Ok, so here’s what gonna happen. I am going to be the one holding you accountable” Margo started. “Rule 1: This only applies to you Q, ya gotta take your pills, every day, if you don’t there will be consequences. Rule 2: You are going to report to me once a day so I can clean any still healing wounds, I will also be checking to make sure there are no new ones, if there are there will be consequences. Rule 3: Ya gotta talk to me, or to each other if you are starting to feel like your gonna do something stupid. And Rule 4: If you do something stupid come talk to me, there will be consequences but this is to help you not hurt you.” Margo listed authoritatively.

Quentin wasn’t sure how to respond to this and he looked to Eliot who was still looking down not saying anything. The idea of Margo looking over the imperfections in his skin and touching them, made his skin crawl. He waited for what seemed like hours for Eliot to respond, because he wasn’t sure what was happening, or quite frankly if he trusted Margo.

“Okay, what are the consequences Margo” Eliot piped in now.

“So that is something we need to discuss, I was thinking something physical since that is something you are already involved with.” Margo offered. “A spanking, or something else deemed appropriate and agreed upon?” Margo added.

“Spanking? Interesting choice Margo” Eliot commended.

Quentin’s face turned red.

“Only problem is I think our dear Q is a masochist” Eliot teased. Which only made Quentin’s face brighter.

“Alright” Quentin agreed his head hanging in shame.

 

* * *

 

Margo motioned for Quentin to come closer “Okay boy, stand up.” She commanded.

Quentin stared down at his feet as he followed the order. Margo’s fingers made quick work of the button and fly on his jeans and they came down. “Step out” Margo directed and Quentin picked one foot up and then the other leaving the jeans and boxers discarded on the floor.

Margo guided him over her lap, it felt awkward his big lanky frame teetering on her small lap. She looked down admiring his pale white ass and rubbed in circles. Without warning the first stinging slap came down. Then another one she set to a rhythm. Alternating between stinging slaps and rubbing smooth circles. Quentin remained stoic, determined not to let Margo win.

The slaps echoed in the room and Eliot came to the grave realization that anyone walking past could hear what was happening. With a few quick hand movements, the room was rendered sound proof.

“Good thinking El” Margo commended him not stopping the continuous slaps. Quentin’s ass was taking on a pink hue.

“Up” Margo commanded and Quentin shuffled to his feet. Margo pointed him to a corner and disappeared out of the room.

“Is she serious” Quentin muttered from the corner.

“As shit” Eliot answered solemnly.

Margo appeared again smiling and shut the door. “Q, come here” She sat back on the bed. Quentin returned to her side and was pulled over her knee once again. She pulled out the hairbrush she had retrieved from her room. It was round and wooden. She placed it on his ass gently which triggered a response from Quentin. She brought the hairbrush down hard and Quentin hissed.

“Now we’re getting somewhere” Margo snapped.

The hairbrush came down again hard on the other side “Fuck” Quentin exclaimed.

“Q, I want you to count” She demanded. “I need a verbal answer Q” She added.

“O-okay” Quentin responded.

The next one was harder than any of the ones before “Ah fuck, one” rang Quentin’s voice.

Two more came down with equal force “two, three” Quentin’s voice was strained. Several more came down as Quentin cursed and counted. The last one came down and Quentin’s eyes started watering and his voice was hoarse “10”.

“Corner” Margo commanded. Quentin got up and shuffled to the corner, he supposed this time it was truly over. Margo turned to Q and admired his red ass.

“Okay Eliot, come here” Margo commanded.

Eliot did not move he just sat there motionless. Margo got up from the bed and stood in front of Eliot. “Sweetie, we need to do this, I need you here with me and I don’t know what else to do, but I need you to stop this” Margo offered.

“For Q, this is about pain, for me it was about control, I’m just worried if this doesn’t work for me that you’ll give up on me, and I can’t begin to fathom trying to do this without you” Eliot babbled.

“Oh, Hun, if this doesn’t work then we will find something else, but, let’s give this a try first. How does that sound?” Margo reassured him.

Eliot looked up at her his eyes already watering. “Sounds painful.” Eliot remarked.

“Don’t be a smartass” Margo countered. “Are you ready?” the question came and Eliot was only slightly convinced this would work.

Eliot nodded and sighed deeply. Margo led him by the hand to the side of the bed, she sat down and unbuttoned his pants. As she slid his pants and underwear down his legs Eliot took a sharp breath, Margo noticed the scars on his thigh that she did not remember being there. She made a mental note to discuss this with him later. He stepped out of his clothes and bent over her lap, he stretched his arms out onto the bed and buried his face in the comforter.

Margo placed her hand on his ass and took a deep breath, she never imagined having to be in this position. She raised her hand and brought it down on his right cheek and then again on the left. She heard Eliot whimper and she felt a twang of guilt. She continued in a pattern right left right left center, quickly turning his ass from white to pink. She listened to Eliot gasp with each stroke and shudder when she stopped to rub it. “El, I’m going to finish with the hairbrush, just 10. But I want you to count out loud like Quentin did.” Eliot whined and nodded his response. “El, verbal answer please” Margo demanded.

“Yes, Ma’am” Eliot responded and he took a sharp breath in when the first stroke came down.

“El, count” Margo reinstructed.

“One, Ma’am” Eliot obeyed. _Smack_ “Two, Ma’am” _Smack, thwack_ “Fucking shit, three four, Ma’am”

“Watch your mouth” Margo scolded landing another spank.

“F-five, Ma’am” _Smack_ “f-six, Ma’am” _Smack smack smack,_ three more echoed. “Gah- Seven, eight, nine, Ma’am” Now Eliot was sobbing, he was not taking it as well as Quentin did. The final smack landed on Eliot’s now blotchy red ass “Ten” Eliot cried out and began gasping for air.

Margo rested her hand on Eliot’s back and rubbed it slowly. “Eliot, I need you to go stand in the corner now okay” Margo pointed him at the corner opposite Quentin.

Margo admired her boys standing so obediently in their corners with their red asses on display. “I’ll be back in a few minutes, do not move.” Margo ordered as she disappeared out the door.

Margo had been gone for about ten minutes and both Eliot and Quentin were becoming antsy, when she reappeared. She came with a bottle of lotion.

“Q, come here” Margo said a lot softer. Quentin was hesitant but approached her. Margo wrapped her arms around Quentin and placed an innocent kiss on his cheek. She guided Quentin to the bed and had him lay down on his stomach. She pulled out the lotion and began rubbing it into Quentin’s red ass. Quentin sighed and relaxed, this was not what he expected but he was glad that Margo was being gentle. When she finished, she sat down on the bed and pulled Quentin onto her lap and cradled him. She stroked his hair and murmured something that sounded like praise. Quentin felt relaxed and emotionally exhausted, Margo extracted herself as Quentin drifted off to sleep.

“El, come” Margo called Eliot from his corner. She sat and motioned for Eliot to sit on her lap, which as Eliot was larger than her was awkward. He curled up into her and she rubbed his back. Whispering “Shhhh, shhhhh, It’s alright. You’re alright. We can have a fresh start now” Margo comforted him. “Now go lay down on your belly so I can rub some lotion into that cute red ass” She instructed.

Eliot obeyed and accepted the offering of the cool lotion into the hot red welts on his ass. Eliot could feel this whole experience being cathartic and before Margo was finished he was asleep next to Quentin. The two of them looked so peaceful and adorable she didn’t have the heart to wake them to begin the conversation that had to happen next. She made a decision to have this conversation over dinner. Perhaps she would order them Chinese food and they could have wine, this could be the perfect situation to discuss the next steps.


	5. Enter Mamma-Margo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Margo makes a potentially bad move in asking/demanding the boys to show her their scars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this chapter and re-reading it made my skin crawl. Knowing this is a difficult thing for someone who has self-inflicted scars to do, I know that this was handled poorly, but it was important in my vision of the story. 
> 
> As always be safe.

* * *

 

 

* * *

Margo decided that she would have dinner there for when she assumed they’d wake up. Figuring that if they were not up by 5:30 she’d wake them up, she arranged for the best food from Chinatown to be prepared for pick up in an hour, she’d take a trip get a nice bottle of wine or several, window shop and then pick up dinner before returning to Breakbills. She figured they would sit in the far corner of the garden and have a picnic. After setting aside the blankets and dishes for use she made her way to the door that led to Chinatown.

At exactly 5:30 Margo returned to Breakbills dinner in hand. She went upstairs to fetch Eliot and Quentin from where she left them. She knocked on the door, and when no-one answered she barged in. “Eliot, Q, it’s time to get up” she shook each of them awake.

“What is that divine smell” Eliot roused. “You went to Chinatown, without me?” Eliot pouted.

“Don’t pout” Margo ordered.

“It’s time for dinner, come with me” Margo told the boys as she led them down the stairs and then out the door to a secluded spot in the garden. “Sit, eat, we have much to discuss boys” She added.

Eliot and Quentin looked at each other confused, they thought the conversation was over.

Margo noticed this and added “No one’s in trouble, we just have to take care of some of the minor, or major details.”

They relaxed visibly and sat down. The food was delicious but it was gone far too soon. That’s when Margo brought out the wine, you had to know what kind of conversation they were going to have based on the need for booze.

Wine glasses were filled and passed to each man. Once they had them, Margo filled her own and began, “So, my boys”. “We need to have this conversation now to avoid problems later. Eliot, I noticed cuts on your thigh earlier that I have never seen before, my first question is did you ever stop hurting yourself, because based on the past few days I don’t know what to think anymore.” Margo questioned before taking a sip of her wine.

Both Quentin and Margo looked expectantly to Eliot, who was running his finger along the top of the wine glass. He opened his mouth and then closed it, lost in thought. “I did, well I tried, it’s just not that easy Bambi.” He said quietly. “I stopped for two weeks, something happened I fell back into it, and have struggled ever since. I have been able to make it a few days but I always return” Eliot explained.

Margo didn’t know what to say, so she took another sip of wine.

Quentin put a hand on Eliot’s shoulder and spoke gently “I understand, this isn’t so easily fixed as that.”

Margo’s eyes softened, she knew she was out of her depth, but having another person who understood them might be just what they need. Maybe with her help, these two could pull each other out of their holes. “Q, I’m sorry I have to ask but this might be important, how long has this been a problem, and have you ever tried to stop?” Margo asked softly.

“I ummm” Quentin started and then took a sip of wine. “I am not exactly sure, I can guess probably at least five years, that’s when I was diagnosed with depression. I have tried a few times to quit but it’s hard, it’s an addiction of sorts, I always slipped up, and when I did it was worse than before I tried to stop” Quentin tried to explain.

Margo tried to imagine a younger Quentin, she could see him struggling alone and this broke her heart. She looked to Eliot whose eyes glistened with tears. They both understood that if they couldn’t keep him from relapsing that there was a very good chance the next time he slipped up he would die.

“Q, I don’t know what to say, but we’re gonna get you through this” Margo offered.

Eliot squeezed Quentin’s hand reminding him that he was there. “This will be hell, but I know we can do this together” he encouraged.

“The next part of this would probably be best inside one of our rooms, so we’ll finish it after we are done here.” Margo stated sipping leisurely at her wine.

Based on the fact that they needed to be in a room told Eliot and Quentin both all they needed to know. Margo had mentioned that she was going to be cleaning cuts and checking them to make sure they weren’t hurting themselves and not telling anyone. This is a very hard thing for an individual who cuts or harms themselves in any way, it’s a very emotional and intimate experience, and causes intense anxiety.

Quentin’s breathing became shallow and more rapid, knowing what was coming. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on something else. He only opened his eyes when a warm hand was on his arm, “Q, deep breaths, in…… and out……” He breathed with him. “Focus on me, feel my hand on your arm, focus on the feeling of your body on the ground, and breathe” Eliot led Quentin bringing him out of the threat of a panic attack.

Once Quentin had his breath under control he swallowed the half a glass of wine he had left and looked at Margo begging for another glass. Seeing the pain in his expression she granted him this and filled his glass. Quentin took another big gulp and felt the tension creep away.

Soon all three had finished the wine they had left, and they retreated to Eliot’s room. On the way Margo obtained a bottle of liquor, which she had assumed would make the next step go smoother.

Once they were in Eliot’s room and the door was closed and locked Margo turned to them and handed the bottle to Quentin, who by the looks of it was in dire need of it. He took a swig and handed the bottle to Eliot.

“Okay let’s get this over with” Margo started pulling out the medical bag that Eliot had used to patch him up before. “Since Quentin started last time, I think it’s only fair that you start El,” Margo said looking to Eliot expectantly.

“So, what do you want me to do? Strip?” Eliot asked.

He seemed shocked when Margo answered “yes” softly.

Eliot gave her a look as he pulled off his jacket and shirt. Margo and Quentin watched as Eliot exposed himself. Eliot cast his gaze down embarrassed, and he did not look up as he slid his pants down to the floor. Before Margo could say it Eliot also dropped his underwear, and he stood there fully exposed and the room was silent.

Quentin opened his mouth “Well Eliot can I say that you are a beautiful man”. This broke the uncomfortable silence the room was in and Eliot and Margo broke into laughter. Eliot looked up at Quentin, then closed the distance between them and leaned in to kiss him.

After a brief moment Margo broke them up wanting to finish this unpleasant business as quickly as possible so she could kiss her boys’ goodnight, and leave them to what she imagined was going to be a hell of a night.

Margo scanned his body making mental notes of the imperfections. The scars on his thighs were erratically placed and she counted seven. Moving up she noticed three long thin lines across his abdomen. She moved to his arms, it was a hopeless thought to try and count how many there were, there were dozens of thin white lines littered whimsically across the inside of his forearms. She picked up his hand and turned it presenting the inside of his arm to her. Quentin shuddered at this act of emotional intimacy. Margo traced her finger along one of the lines, then moved up to what concerned her the most his shoulder. There were several angry red marks on his shoulder, she touched one and Eliot hissed.

“Sensitive?” Margo asked, not really needing an answer. “Q, can you hand me the antibiotic ointment and gauze from the bag.” Once these items were in her hand she got to work patching Eliot up. Once she was done, she had Eliot spin around to make sure she hadn’t missed anything and then turned to Quentin.

“Okay Q, your turn” Margo said with pain evident in her voice. Eliot handed him the bottle of liquor to ease his nerves.

Quentin took a deep breath. Even Eliot who had patched him up had not seen the extent of the damage he was capable of inflicting on himself. He moved slowly as he hiked up his shirt exposing scars crisscrossing his abdomen. A gasp escaped Eliot’s throat, which was slightly unnerving to Quentin.

“I am so sorry Q” Eliot apologized, but he was clearly still shocked.

Margo urged Quentin along, offering him more liquor.

Quentin shook his head and continued, his shirt came off entirely, and then he moved to his pants which he was hesitant to remove but he did so regardless.

Once down, he also removed his boxers which fell to the ground with his jeans. Margo and Eliot took Quentin’s body in. Quentin’s breath became shallow and ragged again, he looked at the ground and tried to feel his feet on the floor to slow down his breathing. It wasn’t working, this was truly a terrifying experience.

He felt Eliot’s hand in his hand, he made eye contact with Eliot and squeezed his hand. Eliot gave him a reassuring smile and Quentin could feel his pulse slowing. “Q, you can do this, we can get you through this, and then I’ll make you forget all about it” Eliot promised with a tease.

Margo knew that this must be torture for both of them, but this is the only way she knew how to help them. She just hoped that this rough bit wouldn’t last too long. She gave Quentin a once over, she started at the top and went down. The first mark on his body was the long angry red mark from his most recent suicide attempt. Upon turning over Quentin’s arm she noticed some faint white lines across his wrist. Margo tried not to react to his marred body, but there was pity and pain in her eyes as she moved down to his abdomen. Examining the marks scattered across his abdomen, and then moving to his thighs, which were unmarked aside from one still very dark pink scar stretching across the top of his thigh, this is by far the largest and deepest scar that she has seen on this poor boy’s body. The bulk of the scars as well as cuts that Quentin had were on the inside of his calves, there were far too many to count some faint and white and some still healing, some thick and short, and some long and thin.

“Q, can you sit for me” Margo asked him gently.

Quentin obeyed. He knew what was next but he wasn’t ready for someone other than Eliot to touch his still healing wounds. “Margo” Quentin squeaked “Today would it be okay if Eliot cleaned and rebandaged me? It’s hard enough having someone else see my damage but it is another to have them touch the damage.” Quentin pleaded.

Margo was ready to say no, that this was something she felt like she had to do, but she could see the fear in his eyes so she allowed it. “Just this once, Q, you are going to have to start trusting me at some point” Margo stated. She sat down in the corner and handed the bag off to Eliot.

Eliot knelt on the floor in front of Quentin, taking his leg and peeling off the medical tape. Quentin winced, his leg was slightly tender, Eliot apologized and then applied a generous amount of antibiotic ointment to the healing cuts. He then took some gauze and wrapped it around his leg several times and taped it together.

“Can I have your arm Q” Eliot asked softly.

Quentin nodded and lifted his arm slowly presenting it to Eliot. He felt deep shame as Eliot took his hand and turned it to get a better look at the inside of his forearm. The stitches still looked intact so he just applied some ointment and put a loose layer of gauze around his arm to keep it clean.

“Okay Q, all done” Eliot finished and pecked him on the cheek.

Quentin looked into Eliot’s eyes and whispered “Do I scare you?”

Eliot’s heart dropped “Oh Q, never, shocked me maybe, but you don’t scare me” Eliot comforted him.

Margo heard his whisper and she felt so guilty for making them do this.

“I’m sorry, I thought this would help, but I worry that all I did is give you both massive anxiety, and made you uncomfortable” Margo stated. “I felt guilty because I missed something Q said the other day hinting at trying to kill himself, and my brain decided this would be the best way to make it up to you both. I just want to help. Please tell me if I’m making it worse” Margo explained.

Quentin thought for a moment and then responded. “I may hate it now and maybe for a while, but this might be the best way to help us, and one day when we have recovered, we will be grateful, I think.”

“Well said Q” Eliot commended.

“Okay, I’m gonna have a momma-Margo moment, and kiss you boys goodnight, and leave you to talk things out or fuck, or something” Margo warned them.

“Momma-Margo?” Quentin questioned

“Kinda has a ring to it, don’t you think Q” Eliot added with a smile.

Margo embraced Eliot and kissed him on the forehead and then on the cheek, she then approached Quentin and wrapped her arms around him and planted a kiss on his forehead before whispering an apology in his ear. She was still concerned that what she had done was making their problem worse.

“Goodnight my boys” she called as she turned to walk out of the room.

“Goodnight Momma-Margo” they called back. They didn’t see it but they could tell Margo was smiling the whole way out.


	6. Eliot and Quentin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post dramatic exposing of themselves Eliot and Quentin engage in some stress relieving activities. While it can't change the situation that just unfolded, it could relieve a little bit of tension.

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* * *

Margo left the room, leaving Eliot and Quentin alone together. “Do you really think I am beautiful” Eliot asked.

“You are the most gorgeous man I know” Quentin clarified. There was a moment of silence before Quentin opened his mouth “Can I ask why you gasped when I started to take my shirt off before?” Quentin asked.

Eliot exhaled deeply. “I don’t know, I guess I was just shocked by how much pain you were in, and capable of causing yourself.” Eliot tried to explain. How do you tell someone that you are scared of the amount of pain they are in.

“Do you still want to be with me?” Quentin asked quietly.

“Of course, you idiot” Eliot reassured him, and then moved closer for a kiss. Eliot kissed Quentin deeply, his tongue pushing into Quentin’s mouth.

“I’m sorry, I’m so much of a screw up” Quentin offered pulling away briefly.

Eliot shook his head, “You’re not a fuckup Q”. Eliot fell into the bed and pulled Quentin down with him. He wrapped his arms around and pulling him closer. Eliot ran his hands down Quentin’s abdomen, feeling the raised scars that were meticulously carved there.

Quentin fought the urge to recoil away from the touch. Quentin reached up to Eliot’s arm covered in scars. He ran his hand over them tracing them mindlessly.

Eliot began to jerk his arm away, but relaxed it, letting the soft fingers trace along his exposed forearm. He exhaled a sharp breath, and nuzzled his head into the crook of Quentin’s neck. He smelled like mint and smoke, it was a comforting aroma.

Quentin rolled over and faced Eliot. Their bodies were tangled together, he leaned in slightly and kissed Eliot, gently biting on his lower lip.

Eliot moaned in reaction to this, clearly, he was into it. Eliot put his hands through Quentin’s hair pulling him closer, deeper into the kiss. Then he pulled away kissing down Quentin’s body eliciting a groan from Quentin.

“Do you want to…” Eliot asked gesturing to Quentin’s hard dick.

Quentin pulled Eliot back up to his face and kissed him long and hard in response.

“Bottom or top?” Eliot asked before kissing him again.

Quentin considered this for a moment, “Bottom” he said quietly as if embarrassed by the notion.

“Ahhh” Eliot smiled “That would explain a lot”

“I’m gonna ask you to explain that to me, but first, fuck me, please” Quentin begged.

“With pleasure” Eliot purred. “Up on your hands and knees” Eliot commanded as he whisked away to retrieve a bottle of lube and a condom. “You ready” He questioned.

Quentin nodded and took a deep breath in.

Eliot slicked his fingers with lube and circled his asshole before pushing in his finger slowly, Quentin whined at the intrusion. Eliot paused to let Quentin get used to the feeling, and then after a moment pushed further eliciting groan from Quentin. Eliot pulled out and pushed it back in slowly, as he got Quentin used to the feeling. After a moment he added another finger, stretching Quentin out, he curled his fingers. Quentin moaned in pleasure, and Eliot took that as a sign that Quentin was ready. With that he added one last finger for good measure, thrusting them in and out. Eliot withdrew his fingers and Quentin protested at the sudden emptiness.

Eliot slid on a condom and positioned himself at Quentin’s entrance. He hesitated there for a moment and asked again “Quentin are you sure this is what you want?”

Quentin responded by pushing himself onto Eliot, impaling himself with Eliot’s dick. Eliot shook his head in amusement. He put his hands on Quentin’s hips to still him, “my turn” Eliot demanded. He thrust into Quentin aggressively, and Quentin moaned in pleasure. Eliot took this as a sign and started to pound into him harder and faster.

Much to quickly Quentin built up “I’m gonna cum” he exclaimed.

“Come for me Q” Eliot commanded as he thrust harder. He moaned as he came and fell into Quentin, who had already collapsed in exhaustion. Eliot rolled off Quentin and ripped off the condom.

Quentin looked expectantly at Eliot, craving some physical contact. Eliot could see the need on Quentin’s face. He crawled into the bed and wrapped his arms around Quentin.

Together they fell asleep like that.

They awoke in the morning and Eliot had a panic stricken look on his face.

“What?” Quentin asked groggily pulling on a shirt and the jeans he wore yesterday.

“You never took your pills last night“ Eliot said clearly distraught.

Quentin’s first thought was _so what_ and then he remembered Momma-Margo’s rules, this was the first one. “Fuck” Quentin’s response came. He quickly ran through a list of possibilities, trying to remember if missing a dose required doubling it or just ignoring it. “Where are my pills anyway” Quentin asked.

“I think Margo has them” Eliot added remorsefully as he dressed.

“Will you come with me to find her?” Quentin begged.

“What is baby Q afraid of Momma-Margo?” Eliot teased.

Quentin nodded, and looked at his feet ashamed.

“Okay, hun I’ll come with you, and protect you from the big bad Margo” Eliot teased, and led him downstairs and down a hall to Margo’s room.

They stood outside the door for a few minutes before Quentin built up the courage to knock on the door.

Margo’s door opened and she was waiting inside tapping her foot. “In” she demanded of her boys and slammed the door closed with the flick of her wrist. “Speak” she commanded clearly agitated.

“I-I um” Quentin stuttered.

Margo’s eyes got softer realizing the angry mother routine was just going to scare him away. “What happened baby?” She tried again.

“Last night, I forgot my pills.” Quentin spilled “I uh, also don’t exactly know where they are” Quentin added.

Margo held out her hand where an orange pill bottle with Quentin’s name on it. Quentin wondered idly if this was designed for him to fail.

“Here’s what you’re gonna do Hun,” Margo began “Today you’re gonna double up the dose, and from now on you will come to me every night and retrieve your medication” Margo ordered. This was vaguely reminiscent of the way pills were dispensed in the psych ward, which caused a shudder to run through him.

“What about the consequences for not taking them” Quentin asked not sure if he should even mention it.

“Oh baby, this one is my bad, I didn’t tell you and therefore I can’t hold you responsible for knowing to come to me” Margo comforted him, putting down the pill bottle and pulling the boy closer to her and stroking his hair.

Eliot felt strange encroaching on this weirdly intimate moment between his boyfriend and his best friend. Eliot dipped out of the room, allowing Margo to comfort Quentin.   

Quentin leaned into her chest and breathed in deeply, he didn’t think Margo really liked him but in this moment, he really needed this. They stayed like this for what seemed like hours.

“I’m sorry I didn’t pick up on your threats the other day, that I didn’t realize in time to prevent this from happening” Margo murmured.

Quentin picked up his head to look at her, not realizing fully that she was actually feeling guilty about it. “Don’t beat yourself up, even if you had stopped me I probably would have found another way, I was in a dark place. Sometimes you have to hit the bottom before you can swim back to the top” Quentin tried to make her feel better.

“You sound like a fucking fortune cookie” Margo noted smiling weakly at Quentin. “I’m also sorry if I was being a bit overbearing yesterday, I really just wanted to help, but I don’t want to make it worse by accident” Margo apologized.

“It’s actually kind of sweet, to know someone cares enough to go even to those uncomfortable lengths to keep me safe” Quentin continued. “That and El and I got a kick out of Momma-Margo” Quentin laughed.

Margo blushed “Even before this I felt like I was taking care of El, this just made it clearer, also it was kind of nice having someone to baby a little bit” she stated, still stroking Quentin’s hair.

“I don’t mind” Quentin said quietly, looking up at Margo.

Margo placed a soft kiss on his cheek. “Would you want to let go for a bit? Me and El, we could keep you safe.” Margo whispered into his ear.

This thought peaked Quentin’s interest, his depression had taken most of his carefree years from him. The idea of becoming what he once was, even if only for a while, appealed to him. He nodded his head, and had a shy smile on his face. “I have class though, can we do it later?”

“Of course, my sweet boy. Let’s go find Eliot and talk this out okay.” Margo said.

Quentin nodded again, of course they had to ask Eliot if this would be okay, she did rope him into what could be a night filled with a needy child and possible tantrums. 

Eliot was in the kitchen making coffee, when they approached he placed two cups on the counter for them. Margo and Quentin acknowledged the coffee with a smile.

“Did you guys have a good talk?” Eliot seemed on edge.

Quentin wondered idly if Eliot was worried something had happened between him and Margo, after he had left the room.

“We actually wanted to discuss something with you, Hun” Margo interjected.

Eliot’s eyes widened with worry. Quentin noticed this and grasped his hand rubbing his thumb over the top of his hand. Their eyes met and this was enough to put Eliot at ease. With that they disappeared down the hall back to Margo’s room.

When the door was shut, Eliot opened his mouth. “I’m not jealous, but when did you guys get so close without me”.

“El, we aren’t doing anything without you, that’s why we came to get you.” Margo tried to calm Eliot. “Q, was upset and I just felt a motherly instinct to comfort him.” Margo explained.

Eliot’s face softened, “Maybe I needed comfort too.” Came Eliot’s voice softly.

“Sweetheart, come here” Margo offered opening her arms to him. Eliot curled into her chest and a feeling of safety washed over him. “Ya know, I was going to do this thing for Q, and I was going to ask you to help me, but I think that maybe this would be good for you too” Margo offered to him.

“I’m listening” Eliot responded.

“Well, I was talking to Q before about taking care of him, so that for a little while he can just let go of whatever is going on up there” She pointed to Quentin’s head. “If you want, I can take care of both of you, and you guys can just be free, for a few hours. To clear your heads, to relax, to come back and feel ready to deal with your shit” Margo said softly.

Eliot looked at Margo quizzically, and then back to Quentin who shrugged. “I’m willing to give it a shot if you are” Eliot commented.

Margo smiled at her boys. “Okay off to class with you Q, Eliot and I have some work to do before you return” Margo said her voice brimming with excitement.


	7. The Experiment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Margo takes care of Eliot and Quentin while they let go of responsibilities for the night and give into their inner children.

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* * *

Class passed uneventfully, and Quentin scurried off back to the Cottage as quickly as his feet could carry him. He was so excited to get back to his room and collapse, this was the first day back in class since he tried to kill himself, and it was emotionally exhausting. He hadn’t talked to any of the people in his class about it, he wasn’t really that close to any of them anyway. Alice and Penny who were in his study group were the closest thing he had to friends in his class and his social awkwardness made forming a friendship with these people difficult. He had just been lucky enough that Eliot adopted him into their friend group in his first week.

The door of the cottage slammed shut as Quentin entered and hurried up the stairs. Once he got to his room, he shut the door behind him and collapsed into his bed face first. He stayed there for a while, not having enough energy to move from the position. He hadn’t even noticed the knock at the door, until Margo was at the side of his bed with her hand on his shoulder. The warmth of her hand grounded him, bringing him back from wherever his energy had disappeared to.

“Q” Margo’s voice pulled him out of the fog. Yet he still did not have the energy to move.

“mmmmmmrrgh” Quentin’s voice was muffled by the bed.

Margo waited patiently as Quentin continued to lay motionless. After a fair amount of time Eliot entered the room and closed the door.

“Q, it’s time to get up” Eliot’s voice rang. When Quentin did not sit up, he moved to the side of the bed and pushed up on Quentin’s shoulder turning him over, and then pulled him up by the arm.

“What’s wrong with you Q” Margo asked sympathetically.

“Today… was rough” Quentin muttered.

“Well, then it is a perfect time to unwind” Margo mentioned. “Drop all the grown-up garbage, and relax with Eliot and me.” Margo continued.

“How does one go about that?” Quentin questioned, not exactly sure how to do this.

“We’ll figure that out, while you were out I set up some stuff in El’s room to help you guys transition, and drop all the stress” Margo answered. With that she led both of her boys down the hall to Eliot’s room.

Eliot’s room was stocked with everything a little boy could want. The bed had two blue stuffed bunnies on it, there were Legos in the corner, crayons and markers with coloring books on the desk, among other things that could entertain them.

“The only rules in this space are that there is no work to be done, you have time tomorrow to finish school work, and you have to listen to what I say which isn’t technically new but it’s important that you do. Q, tonight I will remind you to take your pills, you are not responsible for that because you will not be paying attention to any responsibilities. I’m going to let you guys get adjusted to this, I’ll be back in about half an hour to check on you” Margo said, and with that she was out the door. The boys heard the door lock from the outside.

“I suppose we aren’t supposed to leave here” Eliot mumbled.

Quentin gazed around the room, “This is a lot weirder than I thought it would be” he commented.

Eliot opened his mouth “I concur, but we should make the best of this” he stated.

“How?” Quentin asked.

“Well, if you could have had any toy you wanted as a kid what would it be?” Eliot questioned back.

“Hmmm…” Quentin had to think for a moment. “Probably the Fillory Lego set, my friend Julia had it, and I was always jealous of her.” Quentin offered.

“That can be arranged” Eliot stated. He pulled from behind the boxes of Legos the set Quentin had mentioned.

“Am I that predictable?” Quentin asked.

“Yes, especially when it comes to Fillory. I can pretty much assume anything of that nature you’d like. We also got Fillory and Further coloring books in case you felt more artistic than constructive.” Eliot laughed.

Quentin had the biggest smile on his face, this could work. He sat down on the wooden floor with the box in his lap his fingers clumsily pulling at the edges of the box to release its contents. Eliot took the box from his hands and opened it skillfully before handing it back to him. Then Eliot sat on the floor next to him, waiting for Quentin to dump the pieces on the floor.

Once the pieces were on the floor, Eliot decided that he would build the castle, while Quentin started on a white unicorn. The boys were working quietly on their respective creations when Margo opened the door and peeked her head in.

“Oh, would ya look at that, my boys are quite talented.” Margo mused coming in and shutting the door behind her.

“We did a good job picking this one out” Eliot gestured to the Lego set.

“I figured.” Margo smiled, she was so happy that her boys had embraced this and were letting go.

Quentin beamed up at her his smile was bright enough to light up the whole room. Margo realized in this moment that this was one of the first times she had seen Quentin genuinely smile. He held up his unicorn to Margo to show off his accomplishment.

“That’s beautiful sweetie” Margo praised Quentin.

Quentin smiled at her and turned back to his Legos. He realized however that there were no Legos left. He knew that logically he could just open one of the other boxes but something in him broke when he noticed the lack of Legos and he pouted, tears began welling in his eyes.

Eliot noticed the change in Quentin, and looked over toward where Margo was sitting. “Margo, I think Q is broke” Eliot said softly.

Margo got to her feet and sat down next to her boys. “Baby, what’s wrong?” Margo asked softly.

“No more Legos” Quentin whined.

“Q, baby, there are more in the boxes right here” Margo offered and pulled a box closer to him. She opened it and poured its contents onto the floor in front of them. “See, all better” Margo offered.

Quentin’s pout subsided, and he went back to his Legos.

“Crisis averted” Margo muttered. “El, you gonna be alright to keep an eye on Q for a little bit, I’m gonna go find us something to eat.” Margo asked Eliot, who despite being a younger version of himself had not been able to let go quite as much as Quentin who seemed to have let his inner toddler out to play.

Eliot nodded and turned back to Quentin. Margo disappeared from the room and downstairs.

Eliot was growing tired of the Legos and got to his feet. He rummaged through the different coloring books not finding what he was looking for. He sighed and opened some drawers in search of something fun. He slammed them shut not finding anything he wanted. He crawled onto the bed and picked up one of the blue bunnies. He had one similar to it when he was little, he sat with his legs crossed and put the toy in his lap. From there he watched Quentin play with Legos and stroked the bunny. He could feel himself let go a little bit, but he knew he needed to hold onto enough of himself to watch over Quentin.

“Q, do you wanna play a board game? I got Candyland” Eliot offered from the bed.

Quentin looked up at Eliot and nodded leaving the Legos abandoned on the floor. He climbed into the bed where Eliot was already setting up the board. “I be blue?” Quentin asked.

“Kay, I’ll be red” Eliot offered and they began their game.

Eliot quickly learned that Quentin did not take to losing well, and made up rules along the way in order to ensure he won.

Eliot accepted this because he did not want to see Quentin cry, and he was pretty sure Margo would reappear with dinner before the game ended.

“El, you can’t catch me, I’m too good” Quentin boasted giggling.

Eliot feeling slightly brotherly toward him accepted this, because Quentin’s laugh was one of best things he heard all night. Eliot couldn’t help but laugh with Quentin, even though he was losing this made up version of the game.

Margo was out in the hall balancing three plates of food, but she paused right outside the door not wanting to interrupt her boys as they were having a giggling fit. After a moment of listening to their laughter she entered the room. “Sounds like you boys are having fun” Margo mused.

The boys nodded, looking to Margo smelling the food she brought to them.

“If you boys want to eat you’re going to have to put the game away” Margo commented. “Can you do that while I go get some drinks?” She asked. They nodded again as they started to put the board game pieces away.

When Margo reappeared, she had a bottle of apple juice and a bottle of wine. She passed out plates containing fries and a slice of pizza, the dinner of champions and elementary schoolers. The boys inhaled their food and the apple juice, while Margo sipped on wine.

“So, did you boys have fun tonight?” Margo asked.

Quentin nodded and Eliot smiled.

“If you go put away the Legos we can play a board game before I put you two to bed.” Margo offered.

They smiled and rushed off to put away the stray Lego pieces, leaving the unicorn and castle built. “Can we play Candyland?” Quentin asked.

“Can you follow the real rules?” Eliot remarked.

Quentin gasped at him “I was following the rules” Quentin grouched.

Margo smiled at them they were turning into real boys. “Candyland, it is” she mused.

They set up the game together, and Margo stopped him whenever Quentin started to change the rules so he would win.

When Eliot won the game, Quentin pouted and threw the board off the bed, scattering the cards and pieces around the room.

“Quentin Coldwater, what are you doing?” Margo shouted.

Quentin’s body stilled, and he looked up at Margo alarmed.

“Just because you lose doesn’t mean you can act out” Margo scolded. “Now pick up the pieces and then you are gonna have a time out.” Margo demanded.

“But but but… Momma I don’t wanna” Quentin whined. Quentin broke the final wall down, Margo turned away and smiled when momma left Quentin’s mouth, she could feel him letting her in now.

“Q, now” Margo demanded regaining her composure.

He could feel the threat in her tone, and scurried around the room collecting the pieces. When he was finished Margo pointed him to the corner of the room and had him wait there while she tucked Eliot into bed. She kissed him gently on the forehead and whispered goodnight.

Then she approached Quentin and told him to go to his room and wait for her there. Quentin scurried away.

He hurried to his room feeling Margo’s stare on the back of his neck. Once he got to his room he closed the door behind him and huffed. He knew that momma-Margo could burst into the room at any moment despite the lock on the door, and he knew that she was mad at him. He was ashamed that he felt like he was going to cry. He sat on the edge of his bed with tears in his eyes waiting for momma-Margo to follow him. He wondered briefly what was taking her so long, maybe she loved Eliot more than him. This thought made him even more upset, he didn’t mean to do any of those things, he just let go of too much of his control and little Quentin was a rotten brat.

Footsteps approached the door, and there was a brief moment of silence before momma-Margo slid quietly into his room. Quentin was expecting more anger as she entered but her demeanor showed calmness. She walked over to the bed and sat down next to him on the edge.

“Q, baby, come sit on Momma’s lap” Margo patted her lap and Quentin crawled into her lap and rested his head on her chest.

“What happened baby?” Margo whispered in his ear.

“I don’t know, I think I let too much go” Quentin offered he had tears in his eyes.

“Shhh, shhh, it’s okay, baby Q” Margo cooed. “I expected a meltdown of sorts, if it worked right. You did exactly what you were supposed to do, you let go and everything melted off, sometimes that causes a loss of inhibition and a loss of control of emotions.” Margo said.

“I was so scared” Quentin whispered. He couldn’t explain why he just had so much fear of everything.

“Why, baby, Momma-Margo said she was going to take care of you, and keep you safe” Margo comforted him.

He shook his head, not sure why he was feeling the things he was. “You was so mad, I didn’t mean to make you mad” Quentin babbled.

“Oh, baby, I’m not mad, I was just worried, you could have hurt yourself, or Eliot” Margo said softly.

“I’m sorry momma” Quentin offered.

“Oh, I know baby, but momma still has to punish you, so you can be a good boy from now on” Margo stated.

“Noooooo, momma I’ll be good, no need punish” Quentin had adopted a childish tone.

“Be a good boy for momma, she is only trying to keep her boys safe, and sometimes that means sending her boys to bed with a sore bottom. Now stand up.” Margo commanded.

Once Quentin was on his feet, Margo pulled his pants down just low enough to expose his bottom, and then pulled him over her knee. “Baby, I know you need this to help you be a good boy and remember not to throw fits that might endanger you or El” Margo lectured as she began smacking his bottom.

_Smack, whap, smack._ Margo’s hand came down on Quentin’s bottom, and it began to take on a pinkish hue. He started to cry almost as quickly as the spanking began. This broke Margo’s heart but she needed to keep true to her word and not let him off too easy. However, since this was his first time regressing to little Q she needed to give him some leeway. Margo smacked him a few more times on each cheek, before she pulled out a wooden spoon she had retrieved from the kitchen. _Crack, Thwack, smack._ Margo planted a few spanks to the crease just below Quentin’s butt cheeks and then it was over.

Margo pulled Quentin up until he was curled up into her chest and cooed into his ear “It’s over, you’re forgiven, momma loves you” over and over. After what seemed like forever Margo shifted her boy to the bed and disappeared downstairs to retrieve his pills a bottle of water and then retrieved the second blue bunny from Eliot’s room. She returned and Quentin was snoring softly.

“Come on Q, you need to get up to take your pills” Margo nudged Quentin.

Quentin groaned and sat up, he took the pills from Margo and the water, swallowing the pills. He noticed that when Margo returned she had that oh so familiar black medical bag. His heart jumped a little bit, and he cast his gaze to the floor.

“Do we have to do this?” Quentin pleaded.

Margo stared at him hard, and then her eyes softened when she realized that Quentin was still feeling little. “We have to make sure you stay healthy baby” Margo offered, “So I’m gonna do this okay?” She asked.

Quentin nodded solemnly ashamed. “Okay, I’m gonna need you to sit up and scoot over here” she stated as she knelt beside the bed. Quentin slid over to where Margo was slowly, and dropped his legs in front of Margo. She pulled up Quentin’s pant leg, and held her breath trying not to react, she had such difficulty believing Quentin could do this to himself. The gauze was plastered to his skin with a reddish orange crust, “This might hurt a bit Q,” she warned.

Quentin took a deep breath, “It’s okay,” Quentin responded, “I put myself into this position” he added.

Margo nodded sympathetically, and then began to untape the gauze on Quentin’s leg. She could hear Quentin’s breath hitch as she started to tug the gauze free from Quentin’s wounds. They were angry and red, probably in the beginnings of infection. Margo pulled out a bottle of rubbing alcohol and raised it to show Quentin the bottle, he looked down seeing the state of his leg and nodded slowly. Margo poured some on a fresh piece of gauze and looked to Quentin “Are you ready?” she asked. He nodded, and she began. As soon as she got close enough to touch his leg Quentin jerked away, clearly not ready. Margo sighed. “Are you okay baby?” Margo asked.

 Quentin hugged his knees to his chest and glanced down at her. “It’s hard.” Quentin mumbled clearly scared. There were tears in Quentin’s eyes. Margo’s heart fell, she stood up and then sat down next to Quentin. She went to put her arm around Quentin, and he recoiled further this time and the tears started to fall. “Oh, Q” Margo sighed. Margo slipped out of the room without the sobbing boy noticing.

She returned to Eliot’s room and slipped in, “El, wake up” she prodded Eliot, hoping the Eliot that awoke was adult Eliot. Eliot stirred and looked up at Margo.

“What time is it” Eliot questioned groggily.

Margo’s eyes pleaded with Eliot “It’s Q, he needs you, I’m sorry I didn’t know what else to do” Margo babbled.

That was all it took, Eliot shot to his feet and in moments was in Quentin’s room. “Q” Eliot called tentatively. He could see the slumped over and shaking form on the bed, crying silently. “Q” Eliot said again softer and more sympathetic, closing the distance between them. He sat on the edge of the bed and slowly crept closer to him. When Quentin didn’t move away Eliot took it as a sign that it was okay for him to touch him.

Eliot pulled Quentin closer to him until he was practically in his lap with his arms wrapped around him. Eliot rocked with Quentin repeating “shhh, shhh, shhh, I’m here, I got you” into his ear. Quentin’s crying subsided and now he was just whimpering in Eliot’s lap. Eliot put one hand on Quentin’s exposed ear and whispered to Margo “What happened?”

“I was just going to clean his leg, they look a little infected, I didn’t even touch him and he freaked out and then wouldn’t let me touch him to try and comfort him” Margo explained.

Eliot nodded, cradling his poor broken boy.

“I thought he was starting to trust me,” Margo said sadly.

“It’s not your fault Margo, this is hard, it’s foreign to let someone into our broken little worlds” Eliot offered. “Letting someone else, especially someone who doesn’t have a history, touch even the scars, evokes a lot of anxiety and fear. So, getting close enough to touch the open wounds is enough to send even a really strong person into a panic attack.” Eliot explained running his hands through Quentin’s hair.

“I just wanted to protect him” Margo commented. “I made it worse, I knew I was making it worse” She blamed herself.

“Bambi, we both recognized you were trying to help us. But you do have to bear with us while we adjust to this.” Eliot added.

Quentin’s whimpers stopped and a faint snoring was audible. “You can probably do it now, I’ve got him” Eliot commented.

Margo nodded and picked up the alcohol and the gauze, when the alcohol met his cuts Quentin groaned and tried to move away. Eliot held his leg still so that Margo could work. Now that the hard part was done, Margo made quick work of bandaging him up. There was one more thing to be taken care of, his arm, which might prove to be a bigger challenge. Margo motioned to Quentin’s arm, and Eliot sighed nodding. He shifted Quentin around freeing his left arm. Margo removed the gauze quickly and just gazed at it for a moment before cleaning it up and rebandaging it. Quentin curled back into Eliot’s chest hiding his shame.

“El, you wanna stay here with Q tonight, I think he needs company” Margo questioned.

Eliot nodded, pulling the exhausted and more or less limp form to the end of the bed and laid him down, before getting in bed right next to him.

Margo made her way over to Quentin and placed a kiss on his forehead. “Goodnight baby, I’m sorry” Margo spoke softly.

“Goodnight Momma” came Quentin’s quiet and exhausted response.

Margo leaned over to reach Eliot and kissed him on the cheek and whispered “thank you” into his ear. Then Margo turned out the light and disappeared out the door, closing it behind her.

Eliot pulled Quentin closer to him and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead and held him until he fell asleep.


	8. Lipson was the Good Part of his Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quentin had a rough day, he tried to talk about it to Eliot and Margo but they were in class. Quentin messes up, Eliot can't blame him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains some potentially triggering description of self-harm.  
> As always be safe.

Quentin awoke to a warm hand gently prodding him. “Q, you gotta get up” Eliot urgently whispered. Quentin lifted his head an inch and looked at Eliot with a confused look.

“Why” he whined when he noticed that the clock read 6:30.

“You have a busy day ahead of you” Eliot answered.

Quentin cocked his head trying to gather his scrambled thoughts. _Class… What day is it even… professor Lipson is on… what day was it?_ Quentin spent too long trying to reorganize the jumble of thoughts in his head.

Eliot saw the look of confusion on his face, this is why he woke Quentin up an hour earlier than he needed to be up. Eliot sat up and pulled Quentin into a sitting position. “Are you alright Q, you had a rough night” Eliot asked putting a hand on Quentin’s knee.

Quentin shook his head in an attempt to make his thoughts rearrange themselves in a more constructive order. “My head is in a fog, what did I drink last night” Quentin mumbled putting his head into his hands.

“Oh hun, you didn’t drink anything.” Eliot responded with what sounded like pity in his voice. “You had a bit of a meltdown last night right before bed, hence waking up to my fabulous face” Eliot added.

Quentin closed his eyes and tried to remember the details of last night, but the only things coming to him were Margo’s touch and then Eliot. “It’s a little fuzzy.” Quentin mumbled and then hesitated for a moment. “Can you remind me why today is a busy day?” Quentin inquired still unsure what day it was.

Eliot wrapped an arm around Quentin and pulled him in closer, with a sadness in his eyes. “Where is your pretty little mind Q” he asked sadly before listing off the answers to the questions that Quentin had not yet asked. “Quentin, it is Thursday you have class and study group, and then your meeting with Lipson.”

Quentin lifted his head, _class… what time is class… then I have to face Alice and Penny damn… I really need to learn those wards to keep Penny out of my head…_ “Can I just play hooky and sleep all day” Quentin asked half seriously.

“Baby, you need to go to class. These next few weeks are going to be important if you want to stay here.” Eliot warned, wondering if that counted as talking about the trials, but in the end deciding that it was just obscure enough that Quentin would probably not put it together. “And as far as Lipson goes, this was the condition keeping you out of the psych ward, so make sure you get there, it’s at 2:30” Eliot reminded him gently, figuring Quentin probably needed clarification.

Quentin pouted slightly at the reminder. “Can you help me with something then El?” Quentin asked.

Eliot looked up at Quentin and said, “What can I do for you?”

“Well Penny is in my study group for class, and I was just hoping that maybe you could help me put up wards. So that he can’t take a trip in the horror land that is my mind.” Quentin squeaked looking hopeful.

“Of course, darling, but let’s get some breakfast in you first, spell work is much easier on a full stomach” Eliot sang.

Quentin nodded and got to his feet following Eliot down the stairs. He sat down at the island in the kitchen and watched as Eliot busied himself making something, Quentin wasn’t paying much attention he was too worried about the rest of the day. This meeting with Lipson was giving him so much anxiety he had trouble focusing on anything else. The world came back into focus when Eliot slammed a plate of pancakes in front of him. “I’m sorry, did I miss something?” Quentin asked confused.

Eliot shook his head, “What bothering you Hun?” Eliot’s voice was filled with concern. Before Quentin could open his mouth to respond Margo waltzed into the room.

“Pancakes?” Margo questioned, usually Eliot wasn’t out of bed let alone cooking pancakes at this hour.

“Of course, today is a busy day” Eliot chirped giving Margo a look that said _we’ll talk about it later_.

Margo nodded and looked to Quentin. She plopped into the seat next to him and put her hand on his shoulder. Quentin felt a shiver run through his body but he fought the innate urge to pull away. “How are you this morning, Q” Margo’s voice was soft and kinder than usual.

Quentin didn’t make eye contact with Margo, instead staring into his partially eaten pancakes. “Alright” he mumbled.

Margo looked up to Eliot who shook his head, _Well that answers that question_ Margo thought.

Eliot put down cups of coffee in front of them feeling a little bit like a waitress at a diner, and watched Quentin move half a pancake around on his plate disinterested. “Quentin, stop playing with your food” Eliot commanded.

Quentin looked up at Eliot startled, “’m sorry Eliot” he mumbled quickly in a panicked voice, and then shoved the half a pancake in his mouth without hesitation. He swallowed it without really chewing causing a lump in his throat. He took a grateful sip of the coffee and stared at his empty plate, afraid to look up.

Eliot saw what he did to Quentin and immediately felt guilty, he didn’t realize how fragile he was this morning. “Q, why don’t we go upstairs? I’ll help you with those spells, maybe Margo can come and help us?” Eliot offered guiltily.

Quentin nodded silently, and followed the pair up to his room. After they closed the door behind them Eliot pulled Quentin close and whispered “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” into his ear, before releasing him. Quentin nodded silently, indicating that it was okay.

Margo’s voice interrupted the strange silence “So what spell are we teaching Q?”

“Well Bambi, our dear little Q needs wards to protect his messed up little mind from the big bad psychic in his study group.” Eliot teased, and Quentin blushed.

Margo nodded sitting down at the desk, “Well that is simple enough.” She scrawled the words to the spell in a pretty cursive on a free piece of paper before handing it to Quentin. “Now, you have half an hour before you need to leave for class. Can you tell me about why you lied to me downstairs?” Margo’s voice adopted her more motherly tone.

Quentin avoided eye contact with Margo, not exactly expecting this.

“I’m waiting” Margo started to sound impatient.

Quentin felt the grip of anxiety deep in his stomach. “I’m sorry, was in a funk, used to just brushing people off” Quentin offered not completing any thoughts entirely. He took a deep breath in, feeling Margo’s look of disapproval. He started again “I woke up and I couldn’t straighten out my thoughts, it felt like I was hungover, but El said I didn’t drink last night.”

Eliot nodded when Margo glanced at him, “Baby, I’m sorry, that must have been scary” she sympathized standing and closing the distance between her and Quentin. Margo wrapped her arms around Quentin, wishing she could make everything better. After a moment they broke, and Margo looked at the clock, “Q, you best be off to class, and remember the spell needs to be spoken clearly, a couple of times for good measure.” Margo instructed before leaving the boys in his room to get ready to leave.

“Are you sure I have to go?” Quentin begged Eliot who nodded solemnly before going to Quentin’s dresser and throwing clean clothes at him. Quentin sighed as he changed quickly into the clean clothes and shoved his feet in the nearest pair of shoes. “I guess I should go then” Quentin mumbled disappointed. Before he left the room, he walked over to where Eliot was still hovering over his dresser and kissed him gently on the cheek “I’ll see you later” and then disappeared out the door. Eliot shook his head as Quentin left the room, laughing to himself about Quentin’s shoe choice.

Quentin scurried to the main hall where his class was being held, slightly worried that if he was late everyone would turn around and stare at him. The thought made his skin crawl. He checked his watch, he still had about 5 minutes as he approached the stairway leading up to the building. He shuffled into his classroom and slipped into a seat, without being noticed. He took a moment to remove the slip of paper Margo gave him and silently read the spell, he knew he had to say it out loud but he didn’t have time. _I’ll have to settle for between class and study group_ Quentin thought hoping his self-deprecating thoughts wouldn’t provoke Penny during class.  

Class passed more or less without incident, and it was just about time to gather with Penny and Alice for their study group. Quentin excused himself for a moment to use the bathroom, and during that time he took the opportunity to try the ward spell that Margo gave him to protect his mind. _Here goes nothing_ Quentin thought before repeating the spell three times for good measure.

Back in the study group Alice was practicing one of the most recently taught spell, her fingers moving with delicate precision. “Nice of you to join us Coldwater” Penny’s voice snapped. “We’re working on the Sumerian Shield Charm, get to it” Penny indicated gruffly.

Quentin nodded and pulled his sleeves down until they all but covered his hands. He swallowed hard before he stretched his hands out in front of him, starting to move his fingers mimicking Alice’s movements. He sighed deeply when nothing happened.

This got Alice’s attention, she looked over to him and saw him sulking. “Q, let’s try it again, I’ll go slower” Alice offered. Which elicited a chuckle from Penny, Alice glared at him which shut him up. She started moving in slow punctuated movements, pausing after each move, watching Quentin repeat them. Then gradually they began to put the moves together faster, finally they had the entire spell put together and the slightly transparent shield appeared in front of him.

“Thanks Alice” Quentin smiled when he finally accomplished this seemingly simple spell. Then he realized the simplicity of the spell he had accomplished and the complexity of the spells he still had to learn and his smile faded. He sat down at the desk glancing at his books, which detailed the next several spells, which needed to be learned. Taking a deep breath, he made an attempt to silently learn the next one on the page. When nothing happened, he shut his eyes and shook his hands out. He looked up at Alice and Penny who were clearly doing something far more advanced.

“Alice please help this sad puppy learn the spell before his misery makes me jump out the window” Penny growled.

Quentin blushed, clearly his wards did not work. _Damn can’t even do that right_ Quentin thought.

“Not even close” Penny answered.

Quentin tried to focus on the spells at hand to keep Penny out of the rest of his mind, he didn’t need that right now.

Alice walked over to the desk and read the next spell Quentin was learning over his shoulder. She nodded and said “Okay, so watch closely Q” Alice said gently. She was the total opposite of Penny, but still somehow made him feel like an idiot. They went through the same process as they did for the first spell for the rest of the list. There were five in total. Once they finished Alice gave him a look and said “Now show me, start from the top”. She watched closely as Quentin moved his fingers in smooth calculated movements, he performed each one only hesitating slightly before moving to the next. Alice nodded in approval, “Keep practicing” she offered. “You’re getting it Q” she commended.

Penny glared at Quentin “Don’t feel too good about yourself, those were just the beginner spells” he said.

Quentin looked down at his shoes, to cover up his miserable thoughts he started singing Taylor Swift songs in his head. He laughed to himself slightly seeing the pained look on Penny’s face. Quentin looked at his watch briefly taking note that is was almost 2:00 meaning he had to find a way to excuse himself soon or he’d be late for Lipson.

It was almost as if Alice could read his mind as she said “Q, run it through one more time and then we’re done, we’ll come back tomorrow refreshed and ready to move on.” However, Quentin was pretty sure she was not capable of that being a Phosphoromancer and not a psychic.

Quentin performed the spells again with a slight improvement in timing, earning a nod of approval from Alice, and a disappointed glare from Penny. Quentin was not in a place to fight with Penny as he was already running late. He took another look at his watch it read 2:15. “I’ve gotta go” he announced. “Alice thanks for your help, Penny good luck getting Taylor Swift out of your head” he commented and grabbed his bookbag and walked briskly out of the room.

Quentin headed out of the building straight for his meeting with Lipson, he realized on his way that he actually wasn’t quite sure where he was supposed to meet her. He was in a fog when he agreed to meet with her and he could not remember if she gave him a location, and if she did where. He decided that her office was probably somewhere near Dean Fogg’s office and headed off that way. On his way to the Dean’s office he ran across Professor Lipson.

“Quentin Coldwater, I do believe we have a meeting, right about now” Professor Lipson said with a glance at her watch.

“I know… I uh… I couldn’t remember where we were supposed to meet” Quentin stuttered.

“It’s fine, follow me” Professor Lipson said as she lead the way down the hall, down a staircase and to the left. Once they were inside the room, with a flick of her wrist the door closed and locked. “Have a seat Mr. Coldwater” she commanded in an authoritative tone.

This sent a shiver down Quentin’s spine, this was all too familiar. He could almost see the therapist at the last psychiatric hospital he was at. He slowly moved towards the chair, and plopped into it. He sat with his body as close to the edge of the chair as possible. “Let’s get this over with” Quentin muttered, feeling his anxiety levels rise.

Professor Lipson sat behind her desk in silence. Quentin wondered idly if she was trying to make him more anxious. After what seems like hours Professor Lipson speaks “So Quentin, how has the past week been?” she started.

Quentin held back a chuckle, they always start the same _how are you feeling today/last week. Just ask me what you want to know_ he screamed in his head _._ “Just dandy” Quentin reported bitterly.

“Quentin if you aren’t going to take this seriously, I may have to reconsider committing you” Professor Lipson threatened.

Quentin stared at the ground. “This week has been fine, Eliot has barely let me out of his sight which is uncomfortable, and Margo and Eliot are walking on eggshells around me” Quentin offered.

“How was your return to classes?” She questioned.

Quentin looked at her “Exhausting” he responded truthfully.

“Have you talked to any of your classmates about what happened?” She asked.

“None that didn’t already know, it’s not really any of their business” He retorted, and smiled thinking about how he sang Taylor Swift songs to keep Penny off his trail.

“It might help” Professor Lipson offered with a small smile.

Quentin pulled his sleeves around his fists, nervously, not making eye contact. “I don’t really know them well enough to share this with them” he mumbled.

“Oh, don’t worry you will…” Professor Lipson trailed off before resuming her interrogation. “So other than walking on eggshells around you, how have Eliot and Margo been?” She asked.

Quentin paused carefully formulating a response that didn’t involve confessing to a professor that Margo pretty much became his mother, or pushing Eliot under the bus. “They are fine, way too over protective, it feels like its smothering, but I suppose that comes with the territory of not being trusted” Quentin muttered, sliding back in his chair.

“So, I suppose it’s time to get into the hard stuff.” Professor Lipson followed. “I need you to tell me about what happened the night you tried to kill yourself”

Quentin’s eyes widened, he knew this question was coming but he did not feel prepared to answer it. “I was in a bad place” Quentin brushed it off, his eyes pleading her not to push.

“Have you ever attempted suicide before?” She questioned asked recognizing the pain in his eyes.

Quentin nodded slowly, but did not elaborate. He closed his eyes and could see himself two summers ago standing on the edge of an apartment building across town from his own, and then he was sitting alone in his room with a bottle of pills, vodka, and a razor blade. He shook his head in attempt to clear the feelings associated with the memories of his past.

“You don’t have to tell me now, I hope that one day you will open up enough to talk about it.” She commented gently. “I’m sorry I do have to ask some more questions, they might get personal, but I need some answers to determine your current state of mind and whether you are still likely to try and hurt yourself.” She explained with sorrow in her eyes. “Other than the suicide attempts have you ever engaged in self destructive behaviors?” she asked.

Quentin took a sharp breath in and cringed. He wanted to say no, so badly, but he could tell by the expression on Lipson's face that she could tell based on his reflexive reactions. He was prepared for a lot but he was not prepared for that question. “So, would it mean anything if I said no” he asked dryly.

“Quentin” her voice dropped, he could tell there was a hint of pity. “How long?” she countered.

Quentin shrugged, “maybe 5 years?” he offered rounding down to make it seem better. Not that it could appear better.

“I take it you haven’t stopped.” She stated matter-of-factly.

Quentin nodded, not saying anything. He just wanted this to be over, how would she like it if he overanalyzed her poor life decisions.

“Over the past week have you thought about hurting yourself?” She continued.

Quentin looked at her, as if wondering if she was seriously asking him that question. Of course, he had, thinking about it doesn’t just go away.

“Okay bad question, let’s move on.” She offered. “Have you in the past week acted on the thoughts?”

“When would I have been able to, they won’t leave me alone?” Quentin’s response was snarky.

“Do you have someone you feel comfortable talking to if and when you feel like hurting yourself?” She ignored his sarcasm.

Quentin looked up from his lap, made eye contact briefly with professor Liposn, and then looked back down. He nodded slowly, hoping that she wouldn’t ask who. He wanted to believe it was Eliot, but he couldn’t risk sending him down his own hole.

Professor Lipson could tell she was not getting any further with Quentin. “I’m sorry if I pushed you too far out of your comfort zone” she apologized. “I would like to see you again next week, and talk more about what makes you do these things. I’d like you to really consider this week, what situations occur that make you feel even remotely like hurting yourself. I would also like you to try to talk to someone if you are feeling like you might.” Professor Lipson instructed.

Quentin nodded pulling his hands further up into his sleeves and gripping the extra material in his fists. He stood up slowly and started to make his way to the door.

“One last thing Quentin, I believe it’s probably time the stitches come out, so head to the infirmary before you go back to the cottage and have them removed” She mentioned.

“Sure” Quentin responded as he shuffled quickly out of the room. _Who needs the infirmary, I can take the stitches out myself_ he thought bitterly as he approached the infirmary. He didn’t need Lipson finding out and giving him shit for it next week.

The infirmary was empty when he arrived, a healing student approaching quickly. “What can I do for you today?” she chirped in an unnaturally happy voice.

Quentin looked at her for a moment before stuttering “I-I uh, need t-to get my s-stitches out”. The healing student nodded and led Quentin over to a room with glass walls. He didn’t understand how this was better than not having walls because it gave no illusion of privacy. The student mumbled something Quentin didn’t catch, but based on the scissors she was holding he assumed the student wanted to see the stiches.

Quentin took a deep breath to try and combat the panic that was rising in his chest. He looked to the student who looked impatient. Feeling embarrassed for wasting the students time he started to pull up his sleeve, slowly revealing the stitched up scabbed over cut that went up his arm.

“Sit” the healing student insisted gesturing to the table. Once Quentin had made his way onto the table, the healing student rolled up her stool, and held her free hand out. Quentin hesitated, thinking about the look of pity and judgement that would soon appear on the student’s face. _Come on the faster you do this, the faster you can leave_ Quentin told himself. Slowly he reached his arm out toward the healing student before him.

The healing student turned over his arm and examined the meticulous stitches, Quentin was impressed at the student’s lack of reaction to the clearly self-inflicted wound. The student released Quentin’s hand and said, “I’ll be right back, I just need to get something”. She disappeared out the door and down a hallway.

Quentin pulled his arm back to his body feeling vulnerable and alone. _I should have gone back and asked El, or Margo to come with me_ he thought. A few moments later the student returned with an older magician presumably a healer. _Of course, she brought backup, worried that there is some protocol she was unaware of regarding student suicide attempts._

“So, what do we have here” the magician croaked still outside the door, “Wrist slasher?” he said quietly to the healing student making some pretty obscene motions imitating cutting. Quentin knew he wasn’t supposed to have heard or see that, but now he couldn’t unsee it.

The older magician came in skipping introductions, he pulled Quentin’s arm free from his side and examined it.

This left Quentin taking deep breaths trying not to recoil or cry, determined to not let this crude man win.

“I see you have failed” the older man made conversation, in probably the most inappropriate way.

“I’m seeing professor Lipson about it, can you please just remove my stitches” Quentin reacted as calmly as possible, despite his heart beating in his throat.

The older magician shook his head in disapproval before making quick work of cutting the stitches. Quentin winced as one stitch pulled at his raw skin a little too hard, and the healer retorted “calm down, ya brought this on yourself.”

Quentin closed his eyes and counted to ten breathing, not wanting to say anything before regaining his calmness. He opened his eyes looked at the older magician gave him a curt nod and pulled his sleeve down before hopping off the bed leaving the infirmary.

Quentin was seething, he thought his meeting with Lipson was bad, he didn’t expect that to be the easy part of his day. He did not look up from the path once on his way back to the cottage. He threw the door open and slammed it behind him before stomping up the stairs and slipping into his room. He threw himself onto his bed and screamed into his pillow not even caring that whoever was in the house could probably hear him. As he waited for the anger to pass he wondered where Margo and Eliot were, he assumed that based on them not having knocked his door down yet that they weren’t home.

He laid there for a while hoping the anger would boil off, when it didn’t he felt like he had to do something. His immediate thought was to seek relief from the blade, but instead decided to walk down the hall and see if Eliot was around. He found Eliot’s room empty, and sighed. Figuring Eliot wouldn’t care if he slept in his bed, he crept into the room, and climbed into his bed. The blankets smelled of him, which soothed him slightly as he curled up hoping to forget the smug face of the healer who told him he deserved the pain.

Eliot came back from class to find the curled up form of Quentin asleep in his bed, taking up practically the whole bed as he fell asleep in the dead middle of the bed. He smiled taking in the adorable sight of his boyfriend sleeping peacefully. Without making much of a sound he turned on his heels and tiptoed downstairs. “Bambi, you’ll never guess what I just found in my room” Eliot sang.

“Your sanity?” Margo joked.

“Close?” Eliot responded after considering it for a moment, leading Margo up to his room. He opened the door slowly making as little noise as possible, revealing Quentin sleeping curled up in the middle of his bed.

“Awww, my baby” she whispered fighting the urge to hug him in the fear that she would wake him up.

“Bambi, wanna lay down with him?” Eliot inquired.

“Just for a little while, we do have that unfortunate astronomy class tonight, something about conditions” She whispered gently sitting down on the bed and crawling in curling up next to Quentin.

Eliot nodded thinking about the stupid class and considering skipping it before crawling into the bed on the opposite side of Quentin.

Quentin did not even stir as he was joined by his boyfriend and his momma, but subconsciously he relaxed knowing that they were there. What seemed like much too quickly Quentin awoke as Eliot and Margo gingerly extracted themselves from the bed. “Where you going?” Quentin asked as he watched Eliot and Margo silently try and leave.

“We have class tonight Q” Eliot said his voice full of sorrow.

“Oh, why didn’t you wake me up when you got home?” he asked.

“You looked so peaceful, we didn’t want to wake you” Margo offered.

“Oh… okay, I guess we’ll talk when you get back. But El, can I stay here?” Quentin asked his eyes sparkling with sadness.

“Of course, you can honey” Eliot responded, “We’ll be back in a few hours” he added.

Quentin smiled weakly and nodded, wishing that they didn’t have to leave, he still felt angry and worthless. He knew even if he didn’t tell them how he felt, being near them would help to change how he felt. After the two left, Quentin tried to distract himself from the thoughts eating at him. He tried messing with the Legos still in the corner from yesterday, feeling like yesterday was last year. He gave up still feeling anxious and angry, he didn’t even bother with the crayons afraid he would snap them in half in his frustration. He wanted to punch something, rip it apart, scream at the top of his lungs. None of the things in this room were conducive to that. He wondered what Eliot had done with the boxcutter he lifted from his nightstand drawer, he shook his head violently trying to remove the thought, to prevent him from going on a wild goose chase looking for something that might not even be in his room.

He sat down on the bed with a huff, trying to ignore the urge to find something anything to release some of his boiling blood. He sat wringing his hands, cracking his knuckles, anything he could try to keep his hands from searching for something sharp. He looked at the clock hoping it had been a few hours but noticed that only 45 minutes had passed. It was at this point that his judgement lapsed, he shuffled into the bathroom and flung all the drawers and cabinets open looking for something he could use. _Damn_ he thought not finding anything worthwhile. He went back into the bedroom and opened a few drawers, finding drugs, and ashtrays, but nothing sharp. _If I were Eliot and I wanted to hide my boyfriend’s boxcutter, where would I put it?_ He thought, and then his eyes lit up when he decided on the underwear drawer. He opened the top drawer and rifled through it for a moment before his hand fell on a hard-plastic handle. _Got it_ he thought as he pulled out the boxcutter and a sick smile grew on his face. He slid it into his pants pocket and walked down the hall to his own room, using one of the new spells Alice helped him learn to lock the door behind him. He scurried into the bathroom and locked that door as well, before pulling down his pants deciding on a place that was inconspicuous. This place being his hips, the bones on his hips protruded from his skin, which would make this a hard task, but it had to be done. Or so he thought. He slid the blade out and poured rubbing alcohol on it before swiping it back and forth on his hip bone waiting for the release. The blood trickled out, which did not satisfy him. He moved up slightly to his lower abdomen and pressed the blade down just under one of the scars that crisscrossed his abs. He slid the blade across his skin which might have cut deeper than he intended, but the blood flowing steadily out of his skin allowed for a distinct relief, he felt like he could breathe again.

Quentin quickly cleaned off the blade and then pressed some gauze into the cut and taping it in place, hoping it wouldn’t seep out while he waited for Eliot and Margo. He fixed his pants and slid the boxcutter back into his pocket, before slipping out of the room and sneaking back into Eliot’s room. He returned the boxcutter to its place in Eliot’s underwear drawer, and fell back into the bed breathing in Eliot’s scent.  

Quentin awoke when Eliot waltzed back into the room followed by Margo. Quentin smiled when he saw that they had returned. “You’re back” Quentin groaned annoyed at the time but not able to really say anything since he spent the better part of the afternoon/evening sleeping.

“And you were sleeping” Eliot pointed out, as Quentin sat up stretching his back. “Did you even leave my bed?” he asked.

“Yes, I had to go to the bathroom” Quentin laughed.

“How was your day, darling” Margo interrupted her boys’ banter.

“It feels like this morning was last week” Quentin complained.

“Long day huh” Eliot sympathized.

Quentin nodded.

“How was your meeting with Lipson?” Margo asked.

Quentin shrugged taking a deep breath.

“With your words Q” Margo adopted a more authoritative tone.

Quentin pouted before answering “It was fine, she asked me some questions, I told her most of the answers and she let me go.”

“Only most of her questions?” Margo’s response was curt.

“She asked me about something that brought back some bad memories and she backed off, she really didn’t want to hear about them anyway” Quentin defended himself. “She said I did good and that she wants to see me next week” he finished. “Oh, and she sent me to the infirmary to get my stitches out…” Quentin trailed off and his expression changed as he thought of the less than personable healer.

“Oh, Q. I’m sorry, I should have been there for you” Eliot whispered sitting down next to Quentin and hugging him tight.

“You should have come home to find us first” Margo added taking up the space on the other side of Quentin. “Were you okay?” she asked more urgently.

Quentin considered not telling them about the mean healer, but he remembered how desperately he wanted to tell them about him when he initially got home. “A-At first it was okay, then the student got I guess her supervisor, he was not okay” Quentin said before recounting a majority of the events that transpired at the infirmary.

Eliot’s jaw dropped, and Margo seemed to have fury in her eyes. Quentin recoiled a little bit afraid of the anger he could see in her.

“Oh, honey, I’m not mad at you” she said softly, wrapping one arm around Quentin. Eliot pulled both Quentin and Margo into his arms and holding them close.

Quentin’s eyes burned as he tried to hold in his tears. “Baby, whats wrong” Margo whispered.

“You weren’t home, and I…” Quentin trailed off full on crying now.

“Q, what is it?” Margo insisted.

“I… I needed you” he cried.

Margo pulled Quentin into her and Quentin curled up into her chest. “I’m sorry baby, momma’s here” she whispered her lips on the top of his head.

“Momma?” Quentin whimpered. “I’m sorry momma” he whispered.

“Why baby?” Margo asked pulling him tighter.

Quentin removed his hand from his stomach, he had started bleeding through his shirt and onto his hand. He held it up to Margo ashamed.

Margo’s face fell, “Oh baby” she whispered distraught looking up from Quentin to Eliot.  

Eliot didn’t even need to ask why, if he had been Quentin, the same aftermath would have occurred. He would try to explain that to Margo after Quentin was asleep in his own bed.

“Can momma see?” Margo asked softly.

Quentin looked down and blushed, he wanted to say no but he didn’t want to put Eliot through fixing him again, he could see in Eliot’s eyes how much it hurt him.

“I take care of it” Quentin offered, not wanting to let Margo touch him.

“Q, momma needs to do it. You need to understand that people want to help you. You need to let them, let us” Margo responded.

Quentin shook his head, “No wanna” he resisted.

Eliot stepped in at this moment feeling like he was on both sides. He understood why Quentin didn’t want Margo to touch him especially given his reaction last time, but he also knew especially in his current state he was unable to take care of it himself. Eliot wondered if Quentin had not regressed post self-harm episode would he have mentioned it or tried to hide it. “What if I hold you Q, while momma fixes you up?” Eliot offered smiling softly.

Quentin considered this for a moment before crawling into Eliot’s lap with no regard for the blood he was smearing on Eliot’s black pants. “Okay” Eliot whispered before stroking Quentin’s hair and placing his lips on Quentin’s temple.

Margo looked to Quentin expectantly waiting for him to move his hand and raise his shirt slightly. Quentin hesitated for a moment before moving his arms away from his stomach slowly. Margo reached out and gently lifted Quentin’s shirt to reveal a blood-soaked strip of gauze. Pulling the edges she revealed a gaping wound just below the white scars crisscrossing his abdomen. She tried not to react too much as she tried to decide how to handle this, if he had been in the infirmary he would have needed stitches, but Margo was not going to subject her poor child to that again. “Q, baby, I’m going to touch it now, okay? Patch it up” Margo warned him to prevent a possible meltdown.

Margo tried to work quickly slathering antibiotic ointment over the wound and pulling out a roll of medical tape. Quentin jerked slightly away when Margo put the first piece of tape on, tears collected in his eyes and with the second piece of tape he was crying. Eliot tightened his grip on Quentin and kissed him gently on the forehead trying silently to calm him down. Quentin relaxed slightly, and Margo finished with two more strips pulling his skin back together. Before she lowered his shirt, she put a layer of clean gauze and taped it down too.

“All finished baby” Margo commented sitting back down on the bed right next to Eliot and wrapped her arms around Eliot, sandwiched Quentin between them.

“Momma, I’m sorry” Quentin offered again feeling guilty about what he had done.

Margo knew they would have to have a conversation about this, but it could wait till later. Her poor little Q had a rough enough day.


	9. Eliot's Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eliot tries to let Margo have some kind of insight into his and Quentin's lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes references to past self harm. 
> 
> Be safe.

There was a gentle snoring filling the room, her small and broken child had fallen asleep in Eliot’s arms. She looked to Eliot making direct eye contact before looking at the door. Eliot understood this non-verbal command to mean she wanted him to go outside with her. Eliot moved slowly and carefully making sure not to wake up Quentin, as he shifted him into the middle of the bed and covered him with a blanket. Placing a gentle kiss on his forehead before quietly making his way out of the room to where Margo waited for him in the hall.

Eliot closed the door and quickly walked down the stairs waiting for Margo to follow if they were going to have this conversation, he didn’t want Quentin to wake up and hear them. Eliot took it upon himself to walk into Margo’s room, it was best to keep this kind of conversation as private as possible. Margo followed him complacently and once in the room cast a simple spell to lock the door and prevent eavesdroppers.

“El” Margo said after a few moments of tense silence.

Eliot gazed at her noticing her eyes glistening with tears. Eliot wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. “Bambi, what’s wrong?” He whispered before planting a kiss on her forehead. Eliot could feel Margo shudder, trying to stifle back tears. “Bambi” Eliot repeated his voice dropping.

“I… I just… why can’t… Why poor baby Q?” Margo stumbled through her thoughts, before putting her head on Eliot’s chest.

“Bambi, maybe you should sit down, we’ll have a chat, maybe clear a few things up?” Eliot suggested, gesturing for her to sit down on the bed.

Margo wiped a tear and went to sit on the bed, she perched in the middle of the bed crossing her legs together. Eliot paced nervously for a moment before sitting down beside her. “So, I want to explain the answer to your question, but first I need to invite you on a trip, into this fucked up little world Quentin and I live in.” Eliot explained his voice hesitant.

“El, you don’t have to…” Margo offered worried that in this process of explaining his life he would fall down the hole.

Eliot shook his head “no, I think we need to do this… it might help you, to help Q… A little discomfort never hurt me.” Eliot decided. He stopped for a moment, not really sure where to begin. “Did I ever tell you about the first time I hurt myself?” Eliot asked vaguely remembering a half-truth he had told her about it. 

Margo felt her stomach drop, this might be a rough conversation. Thinking briefly about it she nodded “yeah, you told me it was in high school” Margo offered not knowing many details because when Eliot told her she was so overwhelmed with everything that some details got lost.

“Okay, well buckle up because, it’s about to get rough” Eliot forced a laugh, before proceeding in a serious tone. “I was a sophomore in high school, I wanted to be more me, and less who my parents wanted me to be. My parents had some thoughts about that. I couldn’t escape at home, I couldn’t escape at school, I felt so desperate.” Eliot hesitated before continuing wringing his hands. “There was a thumbtack on the desk, and I kept eyeing it. For days in my anger I would stare at it, one day I was boiling over something that had happened. I’m not exactly sure what, I’d consider it the straw that broke the camel’s back. I took the tack and without thinking I jammed it into my palm. The release and the control I had were so addicting, from that point it only escalated.” Eliot’s voice lowered to just above a whisper.

Margo couldn’t tell if this was because he was ashamed or because he still felt like it was a secret. “Eliot…” Margo said pulling him into a hug. “You don’t have to El, I hate to see you like this.” She whispered.

“No, I’m not done… But maybe some wine wouldn’t hurt.” He said sheepishly.

Margo nodded, she leaned over the bed to where she kept her stash of wine. She grabbed a bottle and two glasses from the shelf in her bedside table. She opened it graciously and then poured out a large glass and handed it to Eliot, before pouring one for herself.

Eliot took a big sip before continuing. “So now that we have cleared that up, we can discuss. But first I have a question for you… Why do you think we do it?” He said softly.

Margo looked at Eliot briefly then sighed. “I think, that maybe it is because… you wanted to control the hurting?” Margo was unsure.

Eliot nodded slightly. “Sort of, you see in the beginning it starts for any number of reasons. Some people feel so numb that they go to extremes to feel something. Others need the pain to make sense of their emotional pain, they feel like it’s not real if it is not physical. Then there are people like me who have lost control of everything else in their life and are so angry that they resort to controlling the things they can. There are others, but these are the ones I am familiar with.” Eliot explained slowly.

“Where does Q fall into this?” Margo asked.

“Quentin is complicated, his depression causes the numbness that he wants to eliminate, but he also is trying to control his feelings which since he can’t due to the depression he controls what he can.” Eliot explained, “But even with my experience I can’t tell you exactly what Quentin is feeling every time he does it, it’s a much more personal experience.” Eliot warned.

Margo sat silently sipping her wine, trying not to interrupt Eliot. She had so many things to say that she was feeling, but she needed to listen.

“When the first person found out what I had been doing, it broke me. I was cornered into promising that I would never do it again. Which as a person who has all sorts of addictions I couldn’t do because I felt like I needed it. Which led to me feeing worse that I did it, starting a vicious cycle.” Eliot continued. “But anywho, let’s get back to present day.” He stated abruptly feeling himself fall into a familiar place. He downed the wine in his glass and continued. “So, I’m going to tell you why you need to give Quentin a break about today, and hopefully you will see why.” He took a deep breath “Let’s start at the beginning of today, Q was a little bit out of it, he woke up and he was struggling. He really didn’t want to go to class or see Lipson. I have a feeling he was feeling a bit down. Fast forward to the appointment he had with Lipson where she basically interrogated him on his psyche.” He started.

“But Q never told us what she asked him” Margo interrupted.

“Please Bambi, have you never seen a movie set in a mental health hospital? All intakes are conducted in the same way. They ask you questions like why did you attempt suicide, have you ever tried before, are you engaging in self-destructive behaviors. I know based on the scars on his wrists he has at least attempted once before, learned from it too considering he changed the direction of the cut from horizontal to vertical. Any of these questions even if Lipson didn't push could have put Q in a place where he was unable to stop thinking about it.” He stopped to take a deep breath, he thought he was talking way too fast and he had so many words to say and not enough breath to say it. “Then skipping to the situation he explained to us. I really hope I don’t have to explain why that one set him over the edge. If I’m being honest if I was in Quentin’s situation I would have slipped up too. Even if I had been in that room with Q and the healer’s words were not directed at me, I couldn’t guarantee that I wouldn’t have torn myself apart.” Eliot revealed casting his face down.

Margo reached out and touched his cheek, “El” she said softly.

Eliot shook his head not letting his head settle into the fog. “Bambi, please. Please don’t be mad at Q. He is so fragile, and I can’ help but think if you are too hard on him for this, you’ll push him away. I can’t bear the thought of losing him Bambi” Eliot begged.

“He fell into little Q, after he did it, do you have any idea why that would have happened?” Margo asked.

“I think his guilt may have just caused something to click, he knew you’d be upset, and he was afraid. But Bambi, he did what you told him to. He came, tried to find me. I just wasn’t there…” Eliot spoke his voice heavy with guilt. “This is all my fault… I promised to be there for him and I wasn’t twice. Mistakes like these can cost a lot. He wanted to talk, I knew when he asked why we didn’t wake him up… I should never have left him. I should have protected him…” Eliot babbled distraught.

“El, El” Margo commanded. “This is absolutely not your fault El… I think we have to admit we can’t do this alone, we can’t always be here… do you think he’d open up to someone in his class? At least then he would have someone if he needed to talk around if we are in class…” Margo wondered.

“I don’t know Bambi, it was hard enough with the two of us, I don’t know if I can put him through that again…” Eliot said looking down at his lap.

“Maybe if we talk to him about it tomorrow, it could also make it easier when he goes to Breakbills south in a few weeks.” She pointed out, they knew they couldn’t be there for him during the aftermath of the trials, they just couldn’t tell him.


	10. Eliot's Poor Idea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Margo and Eliot wake up to find Quentin was little Q. Margo encourages Eliot to join Q, but backfires when Eliot lies about being little to get her to leave him alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter has probably the most graphic depiction of the act of self-harm out of those I have written. If you are not in a good place please do not read this chapter. 
> 
> As always be safe.

* * *

 

 

* * *

 

“I still don’t think this is a good idea” Eliot’s voice came in a hushed tone. They had awoken after their discussion still in Margo’s room, Eliot in a panic because he knew he shouldn’t have left Quentin alone all night. Especially after having left him alone all day, resulting in him not having someone to talk to and the anger turning into a gaping slash across his abdomen.

“I know El, but this gives him his best shot at getting through the trials” Margo whispered “We can’t protect him there” She explained.

“But he’s so broken, this might cause him to crumble, do you want to be responsible for that?” Eliot countered massaging his temples.

“But right now, we can be there for him, hold him together” Margo offered putting a hand on Eliot’s shoulder. “Come now, we should get up there before he wakes up upset and alone”

Margo and Eliot rushed up the stairs and arrived outside of Eliot’s room where they left Quentin sleeping the night before. From the hallway outside the room they could hear movement, then a surprising sound escaped the room. They were expecting to hear sobs, but what they heard was laughter. Quiet giggles that could only come from little Quentin.

Out of fear of scaring him they knocked on the door before slipping inside. In the room they saw Quentin laying in the middle of Eliot’s bed smiling holding a bright blue crayon, scribbling on construction paper balanced on a coloring book.

Quentin looked up when the door closed and smiled brightly at Eliot and Margo. “Hi El, hi momma” he greeted and went back to his picture.

“What are you drawing over there Q?” Eliot asked walking towards the bed and peering over Quentin’s shoulder.

Quentin threw his hands over his paper and looked up at Eliot. “No look, not yours” he demanded.

Eliot threw his hands up in surrender and backed away, a little saddened by Quentin’s reaction to him. Eliot sank into a chair and stared at Quentin distraught. He had been expecting a lot to go down this morning, but little Quentin simple words cutting into him, when he had been trying to protect him for weeks, just hurt. He pulled his knees into his chest and the world got a little fuzzy.

The next thing Eliot knew there was a warm hand touching his shoulder, and a soft voice telling him to “Let it go”, like the song from that movie. Eliot looked up toward the voice knowing it was Margo but wanting to check, that she was really there.

Margo could see the tears in his eyes, she couldn’t quite understand why what Quentin said set him off, but she could link it together with the rough night that he had. It took a lot out of him to delve that far into his emotional crap. She lifted a finger to his cheek to wipe away a tear and he flinched away which was slightly alarming.

Eliot wiped his face with his palm, and looked down at the floor sinking further into his chair.

“El, baby. Look at me.” Margo commanded.

Eliot shook his head, tears still silently falling. He wished he could melt into the floor and disappear. “He doesn’t like me anymore” Eliot whispered.

Margo knelt down in front of Eliot. “El, honey…” she placed a hand on his knee. “This isn’t him, don’t take it to heart” she offered. Knowing it was unlikely that Quentin the man who had feelings for Eliot knew what he was doing when he wasn’t controlling himself. She stood up and grabbed a hold of Eliot’s hand and pulled him up to his feet so she could pull him into a hug.

Eliot could feel the emotions boiling inside of him, threatening to escape. In that moment he knew there were two things he could do. The first was to find a way to lose Margo and carve into his skin, remembering the razor blade hidden in the back of his underwear drawer. The other option which is the one he was pretty sure Margo was pushing for was to let go of the emotions and join Quentin. He weighed his options silently trying to decide between the risk of Margo being really pissed with him or the possibility that little Eliot would be resilient and not go away when he wanted it to. _It’s Friday… I don’t have to do anything until Monday… that’s plenty of time to banish little El to the corner so I can be me again… but on the other hand I don’t have to stop being me… I can just stay here sneak off once Margo goes to make lunch, the blade is so close…_

“I know what you are thinking” Margo’s voice broke his thoughts.

Eliot’s eyes widened in fear momentarily, “I somehow doubt that” he countered.

“You’re worried that if you let go, that you might not be able to get you back” Margo said as if reading his mind. “You know I would never let that happen, I know how to get my best friend back, and a meltdown from Q wouldn’t hurt, and is pretty inevitable since at some point I’m going to have to change his bandages.” She offered, knowing if Q needed him Eliot would snap back like a rubber band. She had however not been able to figure out how to snap Q back, that would be the next project. “Did I miss something?” Margo asked.

Eliot shook his head not wanting to confess the urge to cut he was battling. He knew he should it was one of the rules, and he was a little worried that little Eliot might say something about it, or have a tantrum. Without a filter he didn’t want to offer up the information to Margo. He briefly considered lying and telling Margo he would and then pretending for a bit and sneaking off when Margo left them to their own devices like she did last time. It sounded like a good plan, he was impressed by his ability to still be as devious as he was when he was in high school sneaking around and hiding it from his parents on the farm.

“Okay” Eliot said quietly gazing at his bed where Q was coloring violently. _How to convince Margo that I have let go…_ He tried to consciously remember what his voice sounded like when he was little. He looked to her and said, “I trust you”.

“Okay El, why don’t you play for a bit with Quentin, and in a little while I’ll go find us some lunch.” Margo offered letting Eliot go. She sat down on the recently vacated chair and settled in to watch her boys.

Eliot could sense the possibility that Margo was watching them because she wasn’t sure that he wasn’t playing her. He wondered idly what he would do if he had let go of his emotions and worries. He never did like to draw so he silently vetoed that option and settled for the Legos that had been in the corner for a few days. He sank to the floor and dumped out one of the boxes. He considered the blocks before him not really all that interested in it. He began to sort through the blocks making neat stacks of each color. Feeling Margo’s stare burning holes in the back of his neck he turned around and glanced at her. “I’m trying okay” Eliot defended himself.

Margo nodded “I know baby, just relax it’ll come to you” she offered. “Do you want to play a board game instead?” Margo asked remembering the joy in their eyes when they played Candyland.

Eliot nodded figured he would give it a shot. “Q, wanna play Candyland?” Eliot asked.

Quentin looked up and smiled. He picked up his drawing and slid it into the coloring book before getting off the bed to join Eliot on the floor.

The two boys set up the board game and then Margo joined them on the floor. “Can I be red this time?” Eliot asked in a squeaky voice.

Quentin considered this for a moment before nodding his head slightly, he was okay with being blue this time. “But I get to go first” Quentin compromised.

Eliot agreed to this with a nod. They began the game and within the first three turns Quentin managed to get stuck on a licorice spot causing him to lose a turn, which resulted in him pouting for the next two turns. Quentin would probably never be a graceful loser even as an adult. Eliot found himself giggling at Quentin’s inability to handle losing the silly game. As the game progressed Margo ended up pulling ahead and winning by way of taking the rainbow bridge. Quentin pouted some more about it but controlled himself enough not to throw the board across the room like the last time they played.

Margo smiled at Quentin silently praising him for not overreacting again. She accepted that Eliot was probably safe to leave alone with Quentin at this point. “I’m going to find us lunch, Mac and Cheese or Pizza?” She asked her boys.

After it was established that neither of her boys could agree on what to eat she settled on both and disappeared out of the room.

Eliot listened as Margo made her way downstairs. He turned to Quentin and asked “What do ya wanna do?”

Quentin shrugged and crawled over to the Legos that Eliot had sorted into piles on the floor and started to build a castle.

Eliot opened his mouth and announced that he had to go potty. His mouth cringed over the words but he couldn’t let Quentin know he was himself and not little. He heard a muffled sound from Quentin who was absorbed in the Legos. Eliot satisfied that Quentin was not paying him any attention slid the dresser drawer open and reached around, ignoring Quentin’s boxcutter and feeling for the razor blade with its little pink plastic handle. He snatched it and slid it into the pocket of his pants and closed the drawer before sneaking into the bathroom.

Eliot closed the door and locked it with a spell so Quentin couldn’t get in. He took off his vest, and then unbuttoned his shirt. He laid his shirt and vest neatly on the counter next to the sink, but far enough away that when he cleaned himself up his clothes would stay dry. Then sat down on the closed lid of the toilet seat and sighed deeply. He thought about the way Quentin made him feel when he did it, and then thought about Margo’s vague threats at punishment. She couldn’t carry out the consequences if she didn’t know. He wondered if she would make them strip to check for new cuts anytime soon. The last time she checked was like a few days ago, he guessed that it would probably be at least a few more before she checked again. Figuring it to be like once a week or even better every other week, unless she really expected them to be honest to her about it. Which is unlikely, not very many people are proud of what they do, they just know they need to do it.

Eliot shook the thoughts from his head, he didn’t have too much time as he knows mac and cheese only takes like 10 minutes. He pulled the razor blade out of his pocket and meticulously placed the razor to his skin just above one of the scabbed over cuts. Using just the corner of the blade he pushed it down and scraped across his skin, several times get deeper and deeper with each stroke. He began to feel some relief seeing the blood pool, but it didn’t feel like enough. He moved to a different place and sliced again, and watched mesmerized as the blood seeped out.

After a moment he grabbed a piece of toilet paper and cleaned off the blade before sticking it back in his pocket. Then grabbing another piece to mop up the blood before moving over to the sink to grab strips of medical tape out of the medicine cabinet. He made hasty work of patching himself up and quickly redressed, knowing that Margo would soon be back, and Quentin might say something about how long he was in the bathroom. He flushed the toilet and washed his hands to keep up appearances, and walked out of the bathroom.

When the bathroom door closed Quentin looked up. He seemed like he was going to say something, but then stopped and returned to his Legos. Eliot sat beside him and absentmindedly started messing around with the blocks. Before he had any semblance of a structure made Margo came back balancing their food with the grace of a skilled waitress.

Eliot stood up and took two plates from her and placed them on the bed. Margo placed her plate on the desk and ran out of the room to retrieve drinks. She came back to find Eliot and Quentin sitting more or less patiently waiting for her to return to start eating. The three sat down on the bed cross-legged and ate, in a tense silence. Eliot was worried Quentin suspected him, and wasn’t sure if he was going to say something or just leave it.

Eliot watched Quentin silently, begging and pleading that if his Quentin the one who loved him was in there to keep his thoughts to himself. When they finished eating Margo took the plates downstairs. As soon as Quentin was sure that Margo was out of earshot he opened his mouth. “So, do you want to talk about it?” Quentin asked.

Eliot stared at Quentin’s face “Q, is that you? Are you back?” Eliot asked his voice filled with hope.

“Who else would I be?” Quentin asked confused. “Oh, yea somewhere right about when you walked out of the bathroom, I realized what happened, but it was too late to do anything about it” Quentin continued “I’m so sorry” he offered scooting closer to Eliot so he could hug him close. “I was right here, if I had only been here, I could have helped” Quentin blamed himself.

“Q, it’s not your fault you were dealing with your own shit, I can’t blame you for not being able to stop me, you probably couldn’t have anyway” Eliot explained. “I would have found a way” he followed looking down at his lap slightly embarrassed.

Quentin’s heart fell, “Was it because of me?” He asked his face twisted into a frown and his eyes glistening with tears. “Did I do it again?” his voice was sad, remembering the pained look on Eliot’s face when he revealed his scars to him. His mistake had caused him enough pain that he did it that time too.

“It was my own weakness Q,” Eliot explained. “I tried to explain to Margo last night why we do what we do… I think I might have gotten into my own head a little bit” Eliot offered not looking up from his lap.

“Why?” Quentin looked shocked.

“I was trying to protect you from the wrath that you would have undoubtedly faced from Margo. I had to explain why you needed a pass for yesterday. How I knew it was a rough day and people a lot stronger would have ended up in the same place.” Eliot explained looking up to Quentin.

“El, you didn’t have to do that, especially at the cost of your own wellbeing. I can handle Margo’s wrath” Quentin responded, kissing him gently on the cheek.

“You tried, you were trying to talk to someone, you were in my bed waiting, for gods’ sake” Eliot spoke clearly.

“But I did it knowingly, and now I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I screwed up, I feel guilty that you and Margo had to take care of me, and I feel guilty that I caused you to hurt so much that you sliced yourself open” Quentin said softly. “So, I guess the bigger question is are you going to say anything to Margo about it?”

Eliot cast his gaze down, and stared hard at the floor. “I don’t want to… She’ll be so disappointed… I can’t bear to hurt her anymore.”

The two were so deep in their conversation that they missed Margo’s footsteps coming up the stairs. She stood outside the door, listening to their conversation from the hallway. When she heard this she decided it was time to make her presence known and walk in the room.

“You don’t wanna tell Margo what?” Margo demanded closing the door.

“Margo” Eliot’s voice sounded forced. His face became red with embarrassment, as he tried to figure out just how much she heard. He guessed that she would assume he was hiding something from her if he asked how long she was listening. He assumed he had to prepare for the worst.

“So, are you gonna tell me something?” Margo snapped angrily still next to the door.

Based on her anger Eliot could just about figure how much she had heard, enough to know he was in deep shit with her. Eliot’s voice was small “I uhhh… kinda maybe sorta messed up.” He stuttered nervously.

Margo closed the distance between her and him, sitting on the edge of the bed closest to Eliot. The nervousness in his voice caused her to drop the angry mom routine. “What happened baby?” Margo asked.

Eliot brushed off the use baby and looked down, examining the bedding under him. He shook his head, not wanting to talk about it, especially not in front of Q, who already was blaming himself and Eliot didn’t want him to hear those words coming out of his mouth. It would break him.

“Does this have anything to do with what we talked about last night?” Margo asked sensing Eliot’s hesitation

Eliot nodded slowly, ashamed. He couldn’t look up at Quentin or Margo, he just fidgeted with the bottom of his shirt.

“El if you’re not going to talk to me, you’re going to have to let me see it” Margo threatened.

“You were going to want to see it anyway” Eliot commented bitterly.

“Yeah, probably” Margo responded tilting her head slightly.

“So why talk” Eliot asked dismally.

“Okay, shirt off then” Margo instructed.

Eliot took a sharp breath in hesitating. He had never let Margo see them before they had a chance to heal a little bit. He didn’t want her to know how deep they went, or how bad it could be. They always looked less terrible a few days later.

“Come on El” Margo demanded.

Quentin reached and grabbed Eliot’s hand trying to give him some amount of courage. Eliot looked up at him, with tears in his eyes and gave him a weak smile.

Eliot slowly removed his vest and his fingers fumbled with the buttons on his shirt. He was not sure what kind of reaction Margo would have. He hesitated before he slipped his arms out of his shirt.

Margo’s eyes fell on the gauze covering his shoulder, it was mostly red at this point. “El, I’m gonna take the gauze off okay?” she warned him before reaching up to his shoulder. He flinched when her fingers grazed his shoulder. “I’m sorry” she offered sympathetically.

Quentin grabbed Eliot’s hand again, trying to be supportive, but when Margo glanced at him she could see in his eyes that he felt guilty. Like he was responsible for this.

Eliot shook his head and tried to remain still. Once the gauze was removed Margo’s eyes widened, she didn’t know what she expected but she didn’t expect it to be this bad. She had seen bad with Quentin, but she had never seen this bad with Eliot, and it hurt her. It hurt that he was in so much pain after trying to defend Quentin that he felt the need to do this.

“El, I’m gonna leave the tape on and just change the gauze, tonight we’re going to have a conversation, all three of us, and I’ll clean both of you up then.” She stated. While she promised not to be too hard on Quentin because he tried to find someone to talk to, she had an idea on how to help him feel less guilty about all of this.


	11. The Inevitable Conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Margo has to deal with Quentin and Eliot, who have gotten themselves into hot water.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter involves consensual spanking. If this is not your cup of tea kindly skip this chapter. 
> 
> This chapter also involves some more graphic depictions of self harm cuts, so as always be safe.

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The rest of the day had passed uneventfully, but somewhat slowly as Quentin and Eliot knew what was coming. They had spent the majority of their day holed up in Eliot’s room, Eliot insisting on tutoring Quentin, so that he would be able to perform the spells he did know with greater accuracy. Whenever Quentin messed up he would look at Eliot apologetically and then drop onto the bed in his frustration, and Eliot would have to drag him back to the task. He had become really good at bribing Quentin to do things with kisses. Eliot was not exactly the most patient person, but he was patient with Quentin. Probably due to the idea that any wrong move could send him spiraling.

Eventually Margo reappeared, the boys had no idea where she had been off to but neither of them really wanted to question her as they were both in a bit of hot water with her. “You boys working hard?” Margo asked tilting her head slightly, recognizing the look of frustration on Quentin’s face.

“El, thinks it is very important to make sure I got all last week’s spells and this week’s spells down…” Quentin complained clearly exhausted from the mental effort.

“Awww Q, he’s just trying to help” Margo offered, knowing why Eliot was so insistent on it, but also recognizing that they just weren’t able to tell Quentin about it yet. There was no harm though in trying to be over prepared, making sure he knew how to cast the spells he should have mastered at this point. “So anyway, if you boys are at a good stopping point, we have some stuff to talk about before dinner, and then we have a lot more to discuss after dinner” she offered with a vague threat.

Eliot and Quentin looked at each other nervously. Margo noticed this and commented “Don’t get your panties in a bunch, we’ll deal with that tonight, and you can sleep on your bellies when you go to bed.” Why did everything that came out of Margo’s mouth seem like a threat.

“So, uh, what are we talking about?” Quentin asked nervously.

Eliot’s eyes widened when he realized what Margo meant by this talk. “No Margo, please.” Eliot’s voice was weak.

“El, I thought we already discussed this, and decided that it would be the best, for both of you” Margo explained.

Eliot was already in enough trouble so he bit his tongue instead of arguing with her. He just sighed and grabbed a hold of Quentin’s hand, squeezing it tight.

Quentin was confused “Will someone tell me what’s going on?” he asked.

“Q, honey, we wanted to talk to you about yesterday” Margo started and then looked at Quentin’s face for some clue as to whether or not he was panicking. Quentin’s face fell slightly, but there were no tears, and his breathing was still Quentin normal. “I recognize that you tried to come and talk to us yesterday when you were feeling desperate and we weren’t there for you. But honey, we can’t always be available since we have different class schedules.” Margo continued.

“No matter how much we want to be” Eliot added squeezing Quentin’s hand which had gone limp.

Quentin’s head was down, he was staring at the floor, counting the wooden boards _two, four, six, eight_ he got to ten before his attention was drawn back to the conversation. He reached up to wipe the tears that were gathering in the corners of his eyes with his sleeves, but did not look up at either Eliot or Margo.

“We think that you should consider opening up to another first year, specifically one that lives in this house, so that you have someone to go to if you’re in a bad place in the event that we aren’t around to help you through it” Margo suggested.

Quentin immediately shook his head, he didn’t even have to give it a thought. There was no way he was going to tell another person about this. The thought of another person knowing made his skin crawl, having Margo know was still hard for him to wrap his head around, while having Eliot know while at first it hurt, it now was so comfortable.  

“I told you that he wouldn’t be okay with this” Eliot commented. “I wouldn’t be okay with it” he added as a side note.

“Come on Q, it’ll bring you closer to a member of your class, it could help you.” Margo tried to reason.

“No” came Quentin’s answer simply. He was very sure that he did not want to let anyone in his class know what his weaknesses were. He didn’t want people to look at him with the same pity in their eyes that Margo looked at him with. That might have been the worst part of having them know, the look of pity, like he was broken and deserved better. He didn’t believe he did.

“I understand where you’re coming from Margo, but making him talk to someone new about this, especially so soon, after realizing that it is causing him pain, you can’t justify making him” Eliot defended Quentin. “But sweetheart, you really do need to make friends in your class, you’ll need them one day” Eliot mentioned with a hint of something Quentin couldn’t recognize in his voice.

“Then if this is going to work we need a better way of managing your need to self-destruct. Dealing with that will help to prevent both of you from doing anything stupid.” Margo responded.

“How do you plan on doing that?” Quentin asked still flustered.

“I don’t know… but I know where we can start. Where are they?” Margo demanded.

Quentin cast his eyes down, this situation was familiar and anxiety provoking. Eliot put a hand on his knee lingering for only a moment before getting up. Eliot had been here before too, unfortunately with Margo about a year ago maybe more, but he remembered it like it was yesterday. Not wanting to piss Margo off any more than she already was, he pointed to the top drawer of his dresser, not looking up. He was ashamed that he was in this position again. Eliot’s eyes glistened with the threat of tears as she watched Margo riffle through the top drawer of his dresser.

Margo’s stomach dropped as her hands came into contact with the plastic handle of Quentin’s boxcutter, she frowned at it and then looked up at Eliot. Eliot threw his hands in the air and offered “not mine”. Margo understood this and placed it on top of the dresser, and went back to the drawer.

Quentin drew a sharp breath in when he looked up and saw that Margo had taken possession of his boxcutter. Knowing if he was desperate he could always go and obtain something new to use, which caused his inner demons to cackle.

Margo withdrew her hand again from the drawer this time pulling out Eliot’s razor with its little pink plastic handle. She looked down pained, as she had accidentally bumped into the razor before finding the handle. A little spot of blood was flowing from her finger. “I don’t know why you guys like this so much?” Margo pouted, as if this little cut was the most pain she had ever been in.

Both Eliot and Quentin avoided eye contact with her, studying the floor, assuming she did not expect a response to that question.

“Do you have any more hiding about?” Margo questioned, hesitating for a moment before calling “Eliot… Q…”

The boys both shook their heads violently, and Margo accepted this, later she would check their rooms to make sure, but she could tell both her boys were extremely uncomfortable.

“Okay boys, I’m gonna go put these away, and then we can have dinner” Margo stated before disappearing down the stairs.

When she came back up, she offered a hand to both of her boys and led them downstairs to the kitchen. They made simple sandwiches for dinner, because as Margo had said before they had much more to discuss. They ate their sandwiches in tense silence and dinner was gone far too quickly for Quentin or Eliot’s liking.

They knew what the further discussion was going to entail. The thought of the impending punishment threatened by Margo had both boys squirming in their seats.

Margo rose from her seat and silently looked at both of her boys, she opened her mouth and quietly issued a one-word command “Go.”

Eliot looked at Quentin nodding as they both accepted their fate, and hurried up the stairs back to Eliot’s room. Once there they sat on the bed together, the closeness of their bodies providing a slight sense of comfort.

Margo returned to Eliot’s room a few moments later holding her hands behind her back. Eliot was the first to look up, and he raised an eyebrow curious what she was holding behind her. Quentin kept his gaze down still racked with guilt about what happened earlier, and anxious worrying that the idea of bringing another person into his world would come up again.

“Alright boy’s let’s take care of this unpleasant business and you both will sleep in this room tonight” Margo announced making a few swift hand movements sound proofing the room so passerbys couldn’t hear what was happening. “Eliot explain to me what happened today” she commanded.

“I was feeling guilty and awful, and instead of talking to you I cut myself” Eliot said after a moment of hesitation, not looking up from the floor.

Quentin’s heart dropped suddenly, not that he wasn’t aware that what happened had something to do with him, but because the words being spoken out loud by someone else made his heart hurt.

“Anything else?” Margo asked impatiently.

Eliot thought for a while and tilted his head, then realized, Margo could tell based the expression in his eyes. “I lied to you about little Eliot coming out” Eliot added hastily.

“Good. Eliot what are the consequences for cutting and lying to me?” Margo asked crossing her arms.

Eliot’s voice became small, as if he was really far away. “Bad boys get spanked for cuttin and lyin” Eliot’s whispered.  

“Very good El, can you strip and come over to me?” Margo asked even though it wasn’t really a question, sitting gracefully on the chair beside the desk. She recognized that based on his response there was a very real possibility she was dealing with little Eliot, but knew that she still couldn’t let him get away with what he did.

Eliot nodded hesitantly and then rose to his feet. He exhaled deeply and began to unbutton his shirt removing it slowly, and then slid his pants and underwear down his pale hips. His feet made small movements as he made his way slowly towards Margo.   

Quentin looked up briefly to see Eliot, who hung his head in shame. He wanted to tell her not to do it, that it was his fault, but he knew that it wouldn’t do any good. There were rules, and they were there for a reason he supposed. To keep them safe, because they were shockingly bad at keeping themselves safe.

While Quentin was lost in his thoughts gazing at Eliot, Eliot had finally made his way over to Margo.

“Ready?” Margo asked in a slightly sympathetic voice.

Eliot shook his head his eyes sparkling with tears that threatened to fall. Not that he was scared, but he was ashamed. Resigned to his fate, he draped himself over Margo’s lap, putting his hands on the floor to balance as Margo’s much smaller frame could not support him entirely.

Margo placed her hand on his lower back gently, feeling for him. Without warning she abruptly began, smacking him first on his left cheek and then on his right, continuing this pattern for what seemed to Eliot like hours, when in reality it was only about five minutes.

Eliot let out a whine beginning to feel the sting building up.

Margo paused acknowledging Eliot’s response before continuing. “El, I’m gonna ask you some questions and I want you to respond okay” she instructed before delivering a sharp smack across both cheeks, waiting for a response.

Eliot kicked his legs slightly before opening his mouth to respond. “Kay” he whimpered.

Margo resumed spanking him slightly harder now. “Why are you here over my knee like a naughty little boy?” she asked, despite having already asked him. She felt that reiterating why they were there while being punished was more effective than just asking before the punishment began. _Crack_ a particularly hard smack landed across his already pink ass prompting him to respond.

“Cause, I lied and hurt myself” Eliot cried.

 “What” _smack_ “are you” _thwack_ “supposed to” _crack_ “do when” _smack_ “you want to” _SMACK_ “Hurt yourself” _SMACK SMACK THWACK,_ Margo ended her question with a series of spanks to the curve under his butt cheeks.        

Eliot was now crying from a mixture of pain and shame and embarrassment. Another sharp spank elicited a response to the question from Eliot. “s ’posed to talk to s’mone” he whimpered.

“Next” _SMACK_ “Time” _SMACK SMACK_ “You” _SMACK_ “Want” _SMACK_ “To” _SMACK_ “Hurt” _SMACK_ “Yourself” _SMACK SMACK SMACK_ “You” _SMACK_ “WILL” _SMACK_ “Talk” _SMACK_ “To” _SMACK_ “Me” _SMACK_ _SMACK_ “Or” _SMACK_ “Quentin” _SMACK_. Margo lectured interjecting spanks throughout it. She then gazed down at Eliot’s bottom that had become red and looked both painful and cute. She rubbed his red butt slightly before delivering five sharp spanks to the place where his ass met his thighs.

Eliot drew a sharp breath and hissed at this, because he thought it was over. “’m sorry Momma” he whined.

Margo’s voice came clear, she wasn’t ready to forgive and forget yet “Corner, Now.” She commanded.

Eliot got up quickly and shuffled to an empty corner sniffling, trying to stop the tears.

Margo took a deep breath and turned her attention over to Quentin who was already crying silently, his face wet with tears. She got up from her seat at the desk and made her way over to the bed where Quentin sat cross legged. When she sat down next to him Quentin made a move to begin removing his shirt. She put a hand on his arm to stop him, “Quentin, we need to talk” she stated.

_Oh, here it goes, blah blah blah tell a first-year, blah blah blah can’t always be here_ Quentin thought dismally. He took a breath in and looked up at Margo.

“Q, honey. I know you feel guilty about what happened to Eliot, and just like your cutting was your mistake, El’s actions were just that his own.” Margo began rubbing Quentin’s arm.

Quentin took a breath, “But if I hadn’t done it, then none of this would have happened.” He reasoned. “I’m so bad for him, he’d be better off without me” he whispered.

“Don’t you ever think that” Margo said sternly knowing that if he had spoken loud enough for Eliot to hear he would have said something similar. “You are both working through a lot of shit, and it will take a while, but in the end, having each other will make you both stronger” she murmured leaning into Quentin and placing a gentle kiss on his temple. “Q, baby, we do have to talk about this though, I can’t have you feeling guilty for this, cause the guilt will just make you do things you will regret.”

Quentin nodded solemnly before responding “I can’t just stop feeling guilty, Eliot is hurting because of me.”

Margo looked at Quentin for just a moment before tentatively opening her mouth. Not sure if he would go for it but wanted to offer it as an option. “I have a proposition for you” she said simply. “Eliot made me promise not to spank you for cutting yesterday, because it was clear you made an attempt to come talk to someone, and based on that and what happened at the infirmary, we both agreed it wouldn’t be fair to you. That’s why we wanted you to open up to someone in your class so that if we ever aren’t around again you’d be safe.” Margo explained and paused before continuing. “However, based on the amount of guilt you are feeling I’m going to offer you a non-punishment spanking, it wouldn’t be because of anything you did, but it might make you feel better, and less guilty. You don’t have to do it, I want you to understand that. But, I think it might make you feel better” Margo offered.

Quentin could feel his stomach drop, he never thought he would be in the position to ask to be spanked. However, based on how guilty he felt that first Eliot hurt himself because of something he did, and then subsequently got punished for doing it, and Eliot wouldn’t have done it if he hadn’t first, he knew what he had to do. “Margo, if I do this, can it be the same as what you gave El? It’s my fault he hurt himself it makes sense that the punishment is the same.” Quentin reasoned with Margo.

“Q, you need to get it through your thick skull that this isn’t your fault, but if it makes you feel better I will give you the same as El, but only for the cutting, not for the lying which we have yet to take care of.” Margo explained.

Quentin nodded slowly accepting this compromise, and was slightly worried about poor Eliot who’s ass was already pretty red and he was apparently not done.

“Okay, so when you’re ready I want you to strip, and lay over my lap” Margo instructed.

Quentin nodded, and then rose from his seat on the bed. He removed his pants first and then moved to his shirt removing it and folding them neatly, placing them on the dresser. Then he made his way over to the bed where Margo awaited him gesturing to her lap. He took a deep breath and then lowered himself onto her lap and propped himself on his elbows on the bed to the side of her.

Margo looked down at Quentin’s creamy white bottom, and rubbed her hand over it gently. She gently tapped him warning him that she was going to begin. _Smack_ came the first spank, and Quentin let out a sigh, and Margo could almost feel the tension beginning to melt away. She set into a rhythm spanking first his right cheek then the left, then across both at the same time. She continued spanking him until there was a reddish hue coloring his bottom. Then she took a deep breath and asked him “Are you gonna be a good boy and answer some questions for me baby?”

“Yes” Quentin responded in a voice that almost sounded like a moan.

“Why are you here baby?” Margo asked her tone much different than when she was lecturing Eliot earlier, and then punctuated her question with three sharp smacks to the curve where his butt met his thighs.

“I needed to be spanked… ta feel less guilty” Quentin whispered.

Margo nodded even though she knew Quentin couldn’t see her. _Smack Crack Smack_ she kept delivering spanks in the rhythm she had set out before. After a few moments she continued to speak. “Other” _Smack_ “People’s” _Crack Thwack_ “Mistakes” _Smack_ “Are” _Smack Smack_ “NOT” _Smack Smack Crack_ “Your” _Smack_ “Fault” _SMACK SMACK SMACK_. Margo lectured her misguided child.

Quentin remained more or less stoic, although his eyes were still red from crying before.

“You” _Smack_ “Should Never” _Smack Thwack_ “Believe” _Smack_ “That Anyone” _Smack Smack Smack_ “Is better” _Thwack_ “Off Without you” _Smack Smack Smack._ Margo continued her lecture before finishing with several hard spanks peppering his bottom, eliciting a moan from Quentin. Margo stopped and brushed her hand across Quentin’s bottom before gently tapping him letting him know that it was okay to get up. “Momma’s gonna have you stand in the corner while I finish with El okay?” Margo said.

Quentin nodded silently and scurried off to a different unoccupied corner.

“Eliot” Margo’s voice rang beckoning him from his corner.

Eliot turned around and approached Margo slowly. He knew this wasn’t over, but he was hoping it had been.

“We have taken care of your cutting, but we have not dealt with your lying to me” Margo explained. “I’m going to have you bend over the bed” She stated and pulled out the belt that she had been hiding behind her back when she walked in.

When Eliot saw it his eyes widened and he started to cry a little bit. “’m sorry momma, I won’t do it again” he begged.

“El, we have to do this, but it’s only going to be five times, and then it will be over, and I’ll give you so much love” Margo promised.

Eliot sniffled and nodded slowly before he leaned over the bed. In his head he could see a flashback to his childhood home, and his dad coming after him with a belt. He shuddered determined to make it through this, to the love Margo promised him on the other side.

Margo placed a hand on the small of his back. “Try to stay still El” Margo instructed as she doubled the belt. “Count for me okay” She commanded.

“Y-Yes momma” Eliot responded softly.

Margo raised the belt and brought it down across Eliot’s bottom _CRACK_ “One” Eliot howled. _CRACK_ “T-two” Eliot cried. _CRACK_ “THREE” Eliot’s voice was strained, and tears ran down his face. Margo paused giving him a moment to breathe before bringing down the last two across the sensitive skin under the curve of his bottom _CRACK CRACK_ “ Four, five” Eliot cried before he collapsed onto the floor whimpering.

Margo knelt down next to Eliot and pulled him into her arms. “Shhh Shhhh Shhhh, Momma’s got you, it’s all over” Margo whispered repeatedly pressing her lips into his temple, staying like this until Eliot's cries had subsided. “Let’s get you up to the bed okay baby” Margo suggested pulling him to his feet, still holding him close. She guided him to the bed and had him lay on his side, giving her access to the cuts on his shoulder she still needed to patch up.

Margo placed a gentle hand on his arm and after a moment went to fetch Quentin from his corner. She placed a hand on Quentin’s shoulder and turned him around pulling him into a hug. “Q baby, we’re done, I hope this helped you” Margo whispered to him before leading him to the bed. “I need you to help me with El, I need to clean up his cuts and I’m pretty sure he will fight me” she continued.

Quentin nodded and climbed into the bed and laid on his side close to Eliot. Careful to avoid touching his angry red ass, Quentin wrapped his arms around Eliot’s waist. Eliot let out a slight groan, but relaxed a little bit.

Margo returned to the side of the bed the Eliot was facing with the familiar black medical bag. “El, I’m gonna take the gauze off your shoulder now” she warned him, bringing a gentle hand up to the corner of the gauze.

Eliot flinched away from the touch, bringing him closer to Quentin. Who tightened his hold around Eliot in response, and leaned into him touching Eliot’s neck with his lips. The closeness comforted Eliot and he nodded at Margo, giving her the go ahead to do it.

Margo gently pulled the gauze free from Eliot’s shoulder, the dried blood making the process more difficult. She looked down at the two sets of medical tape closing up the cuts “El, this might hurt but we have to take off the tape” Margo warned Eliot.

Quentin knowing this would be harder moved his arm wrapping it around Eliot’s arm, which would help to steady him. Margo nodded as Quentin moved, and then her fingers went to the first piece of tape.

Now that his skin was exposed Margo was touching Eliot’s bare skin which elicited a whimper. He shook his head violently not wanting this to happen. “No, no, no” he cried.

Margo stopped, she knew this had to be done but she couldn’t put Eliot through this much. She remembered what happened the first time she had to clean Quentin’s cuts, and what was sort of still happening. But Quentin also had not had to do this for Eliot, so Eliot would likely be uncomfortable with either of them doing it. Margo thought briefly about letting Eliot take them off himself, but that would not help him realize that people cared about him and wanted to take care of him. After a few moment’s to let Eliot relax Margo tried again careful not to touch his skin more than she had to.

Eliot shuddered when he felt the tape pull at his skin, but Quentin behind him had wrapped himself around him tighter, calming him slightly. So, he braved through letting Margo remove the last of the strips. This however wasn’t the hard part, Margo had never seen how bad his cuts could get he was always careful, and she never saw them until they were almost healed. Eliot closed his eyes tightly not wanting to see the reaction from Margo when she scanned them and decided how to proceed.

Margo’s eyes examined the cuts, and stifled a gasp when she saw the little yellow bubbles of fat. It looked far too similar to what Quentin’s arm looked like when he tried to kill himself. _El, what did you do?_ Margo thought sadly reaching for the antibiotic ointment, this was going to be rough. Without touching him directly she dabbed the ointment on his shoulder before ripping off strips of medical tape to patch him back up. She could see with every movement she made Eliot winced, screwing his eyes shut as tight as possible. She covered his shoulder with gauze and attached it with some more tape, before kissing him gently on the forehead. “All done” she whispered noticing Eliot's body visibly relax. before walking back to Quentin’s side of the bed.

Margo placed a hand on his shoulder, prompting him to turn towards her. “Q honey, is this gonna be alright, El is not in a place to help you.” Margo asked concerned since Quentin had not been able to make it through a bandage change without El yet. He always broke down and needed to be held by Eliot to continue.

Quentin hesitated, he knew he should say it was fine, Eliot needed him to do this by himself. He wanted to try to be brave, but wasn’t sure if he could be brave enough. “I think so, but can we do it away from El?” Quentin asked softly, taking note that he was snoring softly. “If I have a bad reaction, I don’t want to pull him back, he needs little El right now” Quentin reasoned.

Margo’s eyes softened and she nodded, “Are you sure, I don’t want to throw you over the edge” Margo asked.

Quentin nodded, feigning self-confidence, he didn’t want to tax Eliot again today. He quickly and gently got out of the bed careful not to disturb Eliot and slipped on his shirt and pants.

Margo took his hand and led him to his room. Once the door was closed behind her she looked to Quentin “You’re absolutely sure?” she asked.

Quentin nodded nervously.

“Okay, take your shirt off and sit on the bed” Margo instructed pointing to the bed before opening the black first aid kit and taking out what she believed she would need.

Quentin stood in the middle of the room frozen, it had never been just the two of them, except when he attempted suicide. He could feel his heart beat increasing as he watched Margo unpack the different medical supplies that she needed.

Margo could sense his hesitation, and turned around to face him. “We don’t have to do this, I can go wake up El, and he can hold you” Margo said sympathetically.

Quentin shook his head he needed to do this. Eliot helped him so much at the cost of himself, Quentin couldn’t do it again for his own comfort. He shuddered as he slowly pulled up his shirt and removed it, looking down he could see specks of dried blood staining the gauze. He had really done a number on himself last night. He took a seat on the bed, and his body tensed up as he unconsciously covered his lower abdomen with his arm.

Margo could tell he was uncomfortable so she accepted that this could take a while, and cause a lot of tears. Margo took it slowly, sitting on the bed next to him she wrapped her arm around him. Pulling him into her she placed a gentle kiss on his cheek and murmured “we can take this as slow as you need to.”

Quentin nodded slowly his breath heavy but as controlled as he could get it. Reluctantly he pulled his arm away from his stomach, and closed his eyes. Despite Margo having seen the cut across his stomach already, it was still too nerve wracking to watch the sad look in her eyes. He took a deep breath and nodded indicating that Margo could begin.

Margo placed a hand on his shoulder so he could try and focus on that while she used her other hand to pull the gauze free from his stomach. From this position she could feel the involuntary shudder run through his body. She paused for a moment giving him a moment to recover before she continued. The next part would be harder because pulling the tape off would bring more awareness to her fingers against his skin.

“Are you ready for me to keep going?” Margo asked after a few moments.

Quentin nodded slowly with his eyes fixed on the floor.

Margo pulled at the first strip of tape accidentally grazing an exposed part of his cut.

The sensation and the feeling of her fingers so close to his open cut caused him to pull away. His eyes were starting to water, and he shook his head violently. He tried to focus his attention on anything else, but there was no pain greater than the shame that he felt when someone else was examining him as if under a microscope. He couldn’t focus on anything else, all he could focus on was the shame, his arm flew to his stomach as tears started flowing down his face.

“Baby, baby, shhh… We’ll stop, it’ll be okay, relax” Margo comforted him, pulling him into a tight hug. She rocked back and forth with him in her arms until his breathing evened. “Are you sure you don’t want me to get El?” Margo asked again, almost begging him to let her get Eliot to make this less painful for him, knowing Eliot would want to be there for him.

“No, let him sleep it’ll be okay, you can keep going” Quentin said softly.

Margo could almost tell that this would break him from his voice. “Okay so no Eliot, but can I get you something else?” Margo asked with one thing in particular in mind.

“Like what?” Quentin asked curiously.

Margo held up one finger and disappeared for a moment, she returned holding her hands behind her back.

Quentin shivered, last time she walked into the room holding her hands behind her back she was hiding a belt.

Margo sensing something was amiss stated “You’ll like this surprise Q.” She pulled the blue stuffed bunny from behind her back and held it out to Quentin.

Quentin smiled weakly and took the offering gratefully hugging it to his body.

Margo taking advantage of his slight distraction went back to pulling the tape free from his lower abdomen.

Quentin winced squeezing his eyes shut and hugging the rabbit tighter, as Margo pulled the last piece of tape off. He let out the breath he was holding, breathing heavily.

Margo let Quentin relax for a moment, standing up and placing a kiss on his forehead. “Baby, you alright?” Margo asked 80 percent sure that at some point Quentin had let go of his control, letting little Q deal with this. Not that when it came to this Quentin had a whole lot of emotional control typically.

“Yes… ‘m okay” Quentin’s voice was small.

“You okay for me to finish?” Margo asked gently.

Quentin nodded squeezing his eyes shut tight, not wanting to see what would happen.

Margo got up and knelt on the floor in front of Quentin. She as quickly as possible applied the antibiotic ointment and tape. Trying to ignore the audible gasps and flinching, she would have stopped if he started crying but he was trying so hard to get through, not wanting to bother Eliot. Once she was finished she stood up and helped Quentin to his feet. She hugged him tight for a few moments whispering into his ear “it’s all over, you did so good for momma”.

“Momma, can I ask you something” Quentin asked softly.

Margo nodded “Of course baby, what is it?” she responded.

“Why do you always look at me so sad, do I make you sad momma?” he asked almost ashamed.

“Oh baby, it’s not that, you don’t make me sad, I just love you, and seeing you hurt is hard for momma” Margo responded carefully, kissing him on the forehead. “What do you say we go wake El up? Momma can lay down and snuggle with her boys.” Margo asked.

Quentin nodded with a small smile on his face.

“Okay baby, why don’t you go to El’s room, and I’ll meet you there soon, I’m just gonna go get your pills” Margo said before disappearing down the stairs.

Quentin pulled his shirt back on and shuffled down the hall toward Eliot’s room. Once he was there he crawled into bed with Eliot who was still snoring softly.

Margo appeared just after Quentin’s eyes had closed, she felt bad waking him up.

Quentin reluctantly sat up to swallow his pill and then scooted over to let Margo lay between him and Eliot in bed.

Margo settled between them and wrapped an arm around each of her boys. This elicited a whine from Eliot as he moved around Margo’s arm to a more comfortable position.

Eliot curled up into Margo’s body and then opened his eyes, he looked at her and then to Quentin. “Momma, ‘m sorry” he said before closing his eyes again and cuddling into her.

“Shhh, it’s all forgotten, baby… Are you alright though?” Margo asked rubbing her hand in small circles on his back. 

Eliot nodded, not lifting his head from her chest.

Margo turned to Quentin who was resting his head on her chest but still clutching the blue stuffed rabbit to his own chest. “Are you alright Q?” she asked softly.

Quentin’s eyes fluttered open before he nodded and curled into her further.

Margo waited until both her boys were gently snoring before flicking her wrists a few times turning the lights off and closed her own eyes.


	12. The Unknown Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eliot feels guilty that he knows Quentin will be away for a semester at Breakbills south and Quentin doesn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it's been so long since the last chapter. I've been dealing with some stuff and I lost the motivation to do anything.

The next two or so weeks passed suspiciously easily. Quentin and Eliot had fallen into a groove where they would practice casting whenever they had free time together. This was helping to push Quentin ahead in his classes so he wasn’t falling behind anymore. What Quentin couldn’t figure out was why Eliot was helping him so much when there were far better things to do together than casting.

Only tonight was different, Quentin could tell based on how Eliot was acting around him today. Clinging to him as if he hadn’t seen him in months. This made Quentin smile as he and Eliot hadn’t spent a lot of time together that didn’t involve physical magic rather than the magic that could be felt between them.

“What is going on with you today?” Quentin questioned in between the seemingly ravenous pecks from Eliot.

“Does something have to be wrong Quentin?” Eliot responded to his question with another, raising an eyebrow.

“No, I missed this. We just haven’t connected like this in a long time” Quentin recounted the previous two weeks, before pulling Eliot into a deeper kiss.

“I know, I’m sorry about that, I just wanted you to be prepared that’s all” Eliot’s voice dropped off at the end. He tried to hide the sadness in his voice with a smile which proved to be quite difficult. He knew it would be hard to be apart for the time that Quentin would spend in Breakbills south, for both of them. It hurt him deeply that he couldn’t even properly say goodbye as Quentin was not even supposed to be knowing he was going away. This was Eliot’s way of saying goodbye and leaving a lasting memory with Quentin in case he became desperate and stir crazy at Breakbills south.

“Prepared for what?” Quentin asked the older boy noticing a touch of sadness in his voice, and the smile that almost took on an air of melancholy.

“Just for anything this crazy school decides to throw at you darling” Eliot’s response was quick and sounded rehearsed before he pulled Quentin down into the bed lying next to each other with only their hands touching.

Quentin rolled onto his side facing Eliot, feeling the brief flutter of butterflies in his stomach, before he began kissing down Eliot’s jaw. The gentle kisses lingered only for a moment before moving further down his neck.

 Eliot pushed Quentin away before rolling Quentin back onto his back pinning him down. His body was heavy against his as he returned the gentle kisses to Quentin before long the kisses lost their gentleness and became more aggressive, hungry. Eliot’s gaze met Quentin’s and they held each other’s gazes for a moment in silent recognition of what was going to happen next. Eliot kissed down Quentin’s neck before fumbling with the buttons on Quentin’s shirt.

Quentin’s first instinct told him to pull away from Eliot’s touch, but he fought it, knowing somewhere deep down that Eliot was not looking at his body judging him.

Eliot felt Quentin shudder under him, and his eyes adopted a concerned expression. “I can stop” Eliot whispered, “We don’t need to do this”.

Quentin shook his head and then leaned forward and pulled Eliot into a kiss. “Don’t stop” Quentin commanded. Reaching up to undo his own buttons his breath only hitching slightly when he got to the buttons just over his newly healed scar.

Eliot noticed his hesitation as he removed his shirt, his eyes resting on the dark purple scar causing a ripple in the skin on his abdomen. He gently traced a finger along the ridge of the scar before taking his own shirt off. This gave the two of them an even playing field. Nobody had to be self-conscious about the constellations of scars scattered on their bodies when both bodies were equally marred. They both still had some reservations as it was natural, they couldn’t shake the feeling the innate self-preservation of hiding away behind anything.

Now with the absence of shirts, there was a warmth present as their bodies pressed up against each other, and they got lost in the kiss.

Eliot’s hands glided down Quentin’s body causing a shiver to ripple through his pale slender form. When his hands reached the waistband of Quentin’s pants Eliot paused and looked into Quentin’s eyes taking in his expression. Quentin moaned softly and whispered, “Eliot, fuck me”. 

A small smile crept across Eliot’s face as the two lost the last of their clothing. Eliot couldn’t take his eyes Quentin as he committed every detail of Quentin’s body to memory. Knowing that come morning Quentin would begin his trials and if he was successful would be whisked away to Breakbills South for the rest of the semester.

As their bodies came together for what Eliot knew would be the last time for months, he felt a twinge of guilt. Knowing what he knew and not telling Quentin overwhelmed him with guilt. Eliot fell back to the bed with tears gathering in his eyes. He turned into the pillow trying to hide his face from Quentin, mostly because he didn’t know how to tell him what was wrong without revealing too much. He wished that he could just tell Quentin. But rules are rules and he didn’t want to think about what Fogg would do if he found out that he told Quentin.

Quentin lay still on his back listening to Eliot’s deep ragged breaths, totally unaware of what was going through his mind. His hand found his way into Eliot’s and he laid there in a state of relative contentment. He was glad the funk that had taken over the last few weeks with Eliot was over. He felt excitement knowing that they were getting back into the physical part of their relationship.

Eliot tried his best to control his breathing, trying not to think about what was to come next. The thoughts about him going through the trials and leaving for the whole semester plagued him. He also couldn’t help but worry that Quentin would struggle to make it through the third and final challenge. Margo and he had spent so much time trying to convince him to open up to another student specifically to make this easier for him. Their advice seemed to fall on deaf ears though, as Quentin was adamant about not sharing his life struggles with anyone else. He knew like it or not, ready or not the trials were starting tonight and even after they began he would not be able to reveal to Quentin what was happening.

Eliot checked his watch they were edging on the time that the trials would begin. A knot began to form in his stomach. He wished he could go and be with him through this, or that he didn’t know what was going to happen so he wouldn’t feel as bad about not telling Quentin.


	13. The First Trial

Chapter 13

Quentin had just dozed off when he was abruptly awoken and swept off his feet in a whirlwind of voices and excitement. He barely had enough time to put a shirt on let alone put shoes on his feet. So, there he was standing outside in the relative cold of the September air barefooted in sleep pants and an all too thin long sleeve shirt.

Someone got up on the stage and bellowed about the trials and something about thinning of the herd, he was so groggy from being woken from sleep that he couldn’t tell if Eliot and Margo were the ones on stage or if he was just imagining it. The first of the three trials was to begin immediately and all the first years were shepherded into the main hall where they were assigned to teams. When Quentin got to his table his jaw dropped. Of all the people he could be randomly assigned to work with it had to be Penny.

Penny glared at him as he approached, and Quentin tried to remember the spell Margo had taught him to strengthen his wards. Fumbling with his fingers for a moment he cast the spell and hoped to gods it would work, and keep Penny out of his brain. He pulled out a chair and collapsed into it too tired to really care that Penny was still glaring at him. Just in case Penny was in his head he pulled out his favorite new Taylor Swift song and let it play in his mind over and over.

Eventually, the tall slinky figure that Quentin officially identified as in fact Eliot appeared at the front of the room. His voice was clear as he explained the first trial was to work out the spell in front of them by the time the timer ran out in the morning. After clearly stating more than once the spell was next to impossible he left the groups to their own devices.

Time passed slowly and seemingly every other group had made some serious progress in their spells and Quentin and Penny had not gotten far. The other person in their group didn’t say much and was probably hoping that he could skate by with them. Eventually, they came up with a plan to use Penny’s powers to cheat and make it through to the next round, which they did but not without being discovered by Eliot, who didn’t seem to care all that much.

After the first trial all those who passed reconvened in the cottage, where they celebrated their first small victory. Eliot who had seemed cold during the trial clung to Quentin’s side all night, sneaking in loving pecks every once in a while. He did, however, add in some snarky remarks about him cheating every chance he got.

Eventually, the two of them snuck away to Eliot’s room and fell onto the bed together as if they had been awake for three days. Quentin curled into Eliot and opened his mouth to say something and then stopped. Eliot looked at him smiling encouraging him to speak.

“You knew about this, that’s why you were working me so hard, didn’t you?” Quentin accused.

Eliot didn’t say anything, which served as an answer to Quentin’s question. “I couldn’t Q” he admitted defeated.

“I get it, some kind of secret hazing ritual that the second years impose on us first years, just like I’m sure they did to you” Quentin stated so confidently it almost seemed factual.

“Now can you stop worrying, there are two more trials ahead of you and I just want to spend time cuddling my boyfriend until Margo inevitably comes and imposes herself on us” Eliot joked pulling Quentin closer to him. Nuzzling close to his neck and giving soft yet somehow aggressive kisses.

The two laid silently like that for what seemed like hours before the door creaked open and Margo slipped into bed with them and pulled them close to her. Both of her boys gazed at her in silent acknowledgment before curling into her and falling asleep listening to her heartbeat.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there are three trials but I think I'm gonna skip trial 2 and jump to trial 3 because that one is going to be most relevant to the story line.


	14. The Hardest Thing He's Done Gets Harder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quentin has to bare himself and his past to Alice, the only thing getting him through it is the thought of being comforted by Mamma Margo and Eliot when it's over. Who wants to break it to him that this may take longer than he thinks.

Chapter 14

* * *

 

The second trial passed relatively smoothly once the group of them realized they needed each other in order to get the tasks completed. Quentin wondered if these trials were meant to teach them that everyone has their strengths and they need to be able to rely on each other. It was, however, the third trial that solidified that the dean really just wanted to fuck with them, but also maybe wanted them to build trust with one another. Maybe it was to build strong foundations of a relationship but who really knows what Dean Fogg was really thinking.

“Bare yourselves… utmost truth…” Quentin heard Eliot speaking, explaining the task included in the third trial. He couldn’t exactly focus, the idea of baring any part of himself made his skin crawl. Quentin’s mind was racing, and his stomach was in knots. There was not a single person in his class that he felt he could reveal any part of himself to. There are two reasons a person like Quentin would not feel safe opening up to another, the first was the shame he felt, and the second was the inevitable look of pity on the other persons face.

Quentin’s head had been floating for what felt like the longest time before he felt a hand on his shoulder pulling him back to his body. He opened his eyes and looked up through his eyelashes to the body attached to the hand. It was Eliot, and if he didn’t know any better there was an unmistakable look of pity on his face. That look broke Quentin, he knew this was real and no joke, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to stay at Breakbills if it required him to be that open with yet another person. He found it hard enough that Margo and Eliot knew. Then his mind immediately shifted to the worst-case scenario, what if he lost control and little Quentin couldn’t be shoved back down long enough to get through this.

Quentin took a deep breath, he only needed to make it until tonight and Momma and El would make it better. He opened his eyes slowly and noticed Alice staring at him as if she had said something before and he hadn’t been paying attention.

Alice gaped at him as if offended that he hadn’t been paying attention. “Quentin, are you listening to me? I asked if you wanted to be partners for the trial” She repeated herself, there was a hint of annoyance in her voice.

Quentin didn’t know how to respond, he felt like he was the first kid picked for a kickball team he never asked to join. He simply nodded, still trying to process the fact that he was required to bare himself for this task and Alice’s success on the trial depended heavily on his ability to stomach the required task.

Without warning, Alice grasped his hand and began to move towards the exit hurriedly. Quentin looked at Eliot one last time, his eyes pleading for help, he couldn’t help how scared he felt. Of all the people who he could have had to do this with, Alice was probably one of the better ones. Based on the permanent scowl on her face he assumed that she had her own demons she has battled with.

After pouring over the books for an hour they worked out the specifics of the spell and that it had to be done after dusk. So, Quentin had a few more hours to worry about Alice’s reaction to him. He was plagued with the memories of Margo’s face the first time she had seen his scars, and the time she walked in on his suicide attempt.

Too quickly for comfort, the day turned to night. As the last of the radiant orange sun set over the horizon, it signified that they were to begin. Alice had decided upon a location outside which was apparently in the conditions of the spell, but Quentin did not understand why any spell would require him to stand outside naked. So, there they were standing awkwardly outside beside a stone wall trying to build up the courage to do what needed doing.

Alice went into her bag and pulled out a bottle of vodka and took a swig before handing it over to Quentin. “I figured we might need a little bit of liquid courage” Alice offered with a soft smile.

The paste was made, and the ropes were laying in an enchanted pile on the stone wall, and they looked at each other both aware that at some point the clothing would have to be lost. They had just about drunk through the whole bottle of vodka before Alice opened her mouth “Look this is weird and awkward I get it, but we’re going to have to face it unless we want to be kicked out of Breakbills”

Quentin nodded curtly before adding “more than you know” under his breath.

Alice was the first to make a move to start removing clothing, first pulling her boxy sweater over her head. She looked back to Quentin, noticing he hadn’t moved yet “What’s wrong, you sad sack” she questioned him.

Quentin hesitated, not wanting to answer. He guessed removing his sweatshirt would answer a lot of questions. But he was not naïve he knew it would raise several in its place. However, much he wanted to stall he was acutely aware of how late it was getting, and they needed to finish the spell by midnight. So reluctantly he began.

He started in on his shoes thinking that would be the easiest mountain for him to conquer. Which since his shoes didn’t hide anything was, in fact, an easy feat. The question was does he start with his pants or his shirt. Both parts of his body that would be exposed were equally marred by scars. He had a fleeting hope that it was dark enough to not be asked questions, but he knew that was not even a remote possibility.

He decided to begin with his pants so he could avoid Alice’s eyes for as long as possible by casting his gaze downward. So slowly he unbuttoned his pants and shimmied out of them. At this point Alice was standing in her bra and panties waiting, not wanting to wait for him to undress in the total nude as it seemed to be taking an extended amount of time.

Once Quentin’s jeans were on the ground he could feel Alice’s eyes on him, not just him though. But he was right not having to see her face did make the task a lot easier. Quentin drew a breath in as he heard a surprised breathy sound come from Alice. He could almost hear the pity in her breathing.

He picked up one foot before the other, stepping out of the jeans. He picked them up and folded them neatly trying to stall for as long as possible. He wished he had El or Margo with him here, this was one of the hardest things he had ever had to do, and he wasn’t done, he still needed to take off his shirt which covered the freshest of his mistakes. Quentin wanted to curl up in a ball and cry, and never see Alice or anyone ever again.

Quentin could feel the tension in the air as he held the hem of his sweatshirt, he could tell Alice was staring at him and clearly, she didn’t know what to say, or perhaps what not to say at this moment. If they finished this successfully and ended up staying at Breakbills they would inevitably have a conversation about this at some other time. The thought of which made Quentin’s skin crawl.

He drew in a deep breath and pulled up his sweatshirt revealing his abdomen which bore his most recent acquisition. He hastily pulled it the rest of the way off and dropped it to the ground in a heap, so he could rest his arms over his healing wound.

It was at this point that Alice made a concerted effort to pull her eyes from Quentin’s ravaged body and focused on removing the last articles of clothing while Quentin kicked his boxers off to the side where his discarded sweatshirt lay.

After doing so Quentin shrunk into the stone wall beside him, knowing that their task was not complete. He felt like this should be considered his innermost truth but he doubted the spell could work without verbalizing something. He must have been lost in his own head for a moment because he felt a hand on his shoulder and he looked up to see a look on her face that he could not describe, it wasn’t quite pity but he knew there probably was some pity thrown in there for good measure.

“Are you ready?” Alice’s voice was soft and almost soothing, very different than her usual clipped tone that she adopted with him.

Here we go, Quentin thought, they always change when they find out. He shook his head quickly to scatter the thoughts and his lips parted and an airy weak “okay” came out. It almost sounded like it should have come out of a scared child. This alarmed Quentin because he did not need this to happen right now. All he had to do is make it through the rest of this trial and he would be free to snuggle up between Mamma and Eliot and feel safe.

Alice reached out a hand to pull Quentin to his feet, which he accepted. Alice’s eyes were trained on his face trying hard not to look at his scars. It was almost like a train wreck, you don’t want to look but for some reason, you can’t take your eyes away.

For the spell, the hands of both parties had to be bound together and the ropes were supposed to fall off when the innermost truth was revealed. First thing is first they smeared the paste onto their faces, then came tying the ropes around their wrists which was done with the help of the partner.

Quentin shivered involuntarily as Alice came toward him with the ropes, his scar on his wrist from his suicide attempt was still an angry pink and would be pretty noticeable when Alice grabbed his hands to tie his wrists together. He took a deep breath and offered his hands to her his eyes cast down, so he didn’t have to see her reaction.

Alice controlled her breathing as she got up close and personal with the results of Quentin’s past, not wanting to freak him out more. Mostly because they had to confide in each other to stay at Breakbills and partially because she felt some kind of sympathy for him.

After she was done she placed the rope in Quentin’s free hands and moved her wrists close to his hands so that with his limited mobility he would be able to tie hers. Once done the spell was said and they looked at each other, each one willing the other to reveal their truths first.

Alice can see the terror in Quentin’s eyes and offers the first of what turns out to be many small truths that lead to the one that allows the ropes to fall away. She tells tales of her family and why she ran from them to Breakbills and tells him about Charlie and the lies that came with having an older brother you never felt like you can live up to. She sighed heavily when nothing she said seemed to be working, then she offered her final idea which she was hesitant to share. “I don’t feel like I can grow here into the magician I am meant to be, I feel like I am holding myself back so that I am not more unliked than I already am.” Her voice grew quieter with each passing word with the last being just more than a whisper. She shrunk into herself feeling smaller having admitted that she wanted to fit in more than she wanted to learn.

Quentin looked into Alice’s eyes as she found herself more self-conscious than she ever wanted to be about everything including being accepted. “I guess that makes it my turn” Quentin stalled, as he watched the ropes slide off of Alice’s wrists.

He hesitated because, despite the fact that his secret was written all over himself, which Alice had a front row ticket to see, it was still increasingly difficult to talk about.

Alice could see his discomfort, and she offered “Quentin, I know we don’t really know each other, but I want you to know that I won’t talk about this to anyone. This secret isn’t worth being kicked out of school for, cause who is going to protect you out there?”  

Quentin nodded rigidly and exhaled deeply, he chose a spot on the floor to stare at and began. “Well, I know you have eyes, even though I wished hard that it would be dark enough for this conversation not to be happening. There is evidence all over me of how much I deal with. I have always been a runner, all through my life I have run from things that scare me or are hard.” He stopped for a moment his eyes never leaving that spot, like his life depended on him keeping track of that spot. “For a long time, I didn’t run away, instead I ran to this. Instead of dealing with what I was feeling, this is how what I did” he never said what _this_ was and he knew that the verbalization of it would end this but also might push him over the edge.

Alice moved closer to him and placed her warm hand on his shoulder, something about her presence had changed, he could feel more caring and less impatience and frustration. “Quentin, I know this is hard for you, but I think that the spell needs you to say it in plain words.”

“How could you possibly know how hard this is? Have you ever had all of your mistakes and failures compiled together and shown to someone that you don’t know enough to trust or anyone for that matter?” his response was harsher than he intended it to be, but he felt like every one of his nerves was exposed and being attacked.

“I’m sorry” came Alice’s response “I didn’t want to hurt you, I just wanted to help, so talk to me. After this, you never have to speak to me again if you don’t want to.” She added feeling hurt.

Quentin looked up briefly at Alice and then spoke. “look, this is hard for me, the only other time I have done this it was probably three times as hard and that was with someone I love and I probably cried for hours after, so I am touchy when it comes to people saying they know its hard.” He stated with very little emotion. “For the sake of getting through this I will tell you, but please try not to gasp or feel too hard, I’m trying to be better and this trials business isn’t totally helping me.” He said matter of factly. He took another deep breath and began to speak “I hate myself, I hate who I’ve been and who I’ve become, but I am trying to get along with who I hope to be. I have had clinical depression for as long as I can remember, and sometimes my brain just doesn’t remember how to function like a person. When I was young to run away from dealing with my problems I started to harm myself. I have been able to stop only for brief time frames since then. My most recent suicide attempt was a few months ago, and my boyfriends best friend walked in on it. Since then they have been walking on eggshells around me. I have been trying to get better for them, but the truth is I’m not 100% sure that I want to get better” Quentin recounted his past for Alice who’s mouth formed an involuntary O shape, Quentin looked down and his ropes had already been on the ground he must have been so distracted by his concentrated effort of not breaking down that he didn’t notice them fall off.

At the same instant he realized they were off he felt this sharp pain in his spine and he noticed Alice also convulsing on the ground he briefly wondered if they had done something wrong in the spell. Before he could formulate another thought he was transformed into a majestic Canadian goose. These goose instincts took control immediately and Quentin gazed up to see a pattern of his fellow geese flying in formation and he stretched his wings to join them high in the sky with Alice just behind him.     

 


	15. Penny does in fact care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Upon finding out that the third trial is not exactly one and done as Quentin thought, he is faced with inner demons.

* * *

 

It felt like forever that they were in the sky, they didn’t stop until they got to their destination. Quentin wasn’t sure how they knew it was time to stop, but everyone in the flock began to stop as they neared a snowy landscape that contained a large brick building. The flock began landing in pairs of two until everyone was on the ground and that’s when they began to convulse once again regaining their true forms.

Quentin gasped realizing that as he transformed back in the cold snow that he was still exposed to the world, and he wasn’t ready for a dozen more people to find out his secrets. He paused and looked around for anywhere to hide, deciding on a patch of evergreen trees that were a few hundred yards from the building where the majority of his class had begun to gather. He didn’t have a plan of action to prevent the hypothermia that would ensue if he continued to stay in the snow naked, but right now it was fight or flight and he chose flight. He watched from the distance as his class filed into the building and wondered what was next.

Alice now fully transformed back and wearing a long sleeve shirt and a pair of pants made from white thermal material glanced around the large hall and could not find Quentin. She started to worry that she hadn’t seen him, she knew he was in the flock with her she could smell him. She turned to the brunette girl who was one of the only two other people in the room and asked if she knew where they had everyone else.

Kady narrowed her eyes at Alice and thought for a moment “I think they rounded them up and they are in the dining hall.” She offered.

Alice nodded and thanked Kady for the information before she stalked off to see if she could find Quentin. She needed to make sure he was inside, after what happened during the last trial she was worried he would rather freeze to death than let a bunch of strangers see him bared in that state.

Once she arrived in the dining hall she gazed around the room expectantly at each face of the new arrivals and was disappointed but not surprised that she did not see his face. She looked around the hall and her eyes fell on a stack of white blankets, she looked around noticing that no one was paying her the slightest bit of attention she grabbed one of the blankets and headed towards the door.

Once she was outside she surveyed the area her brain calculating the different places that he could hide, there were not many as the land was mostly flat covered with snow. She could see the tree line in the distance and after checking behind the building with no luck she headed for the trees calling out to Quentin as she scurried. The closest patch of trees was nearing and she saw movement. Alice smiled at this knowing she had found what she set out for. “Quentin, it's okay, it's just me” Alice called to him, holding up the blanket as an offering.

Quentin peeked around the tree he was sheltering behind, and the smallest of smiles grew on his face. He slowly closed the distance between him and Alice and gratefully accepted the plush blanket that was being wrapped around him. The blanket was large enough that it covered a majority of the scars and made him a lot more comfortable walking back toward the large building with Alice.

They arrived just in time to meet Professor Mayakovsky who was just calling out to find out why they were short one student. “where ‘ave you been?” the man demanded with a scowl as they entered the building.

Alice stepped in “I was looking for Quentin when we go into the building and when I couldn’t find him I had a feeling he had either landed in a different place than we did or just got turned around when he transformed, and I went to go outside to make sure he was okay. “Apparently he landed in the woods and got a little lost” Alice spoke as if she really believed the lies she was spouting.

“Very well, Coldwater grab your clothes and get dressed, I was just about to begin” Mayakovsky ordered.

Quentin ducked his head and scurried to a table holding stacks of clothes. He swiped a stack of clothes which contained a long sleeve shirt and a pair of long pants, all white, and using the cover of the blanket slid into his new uniform. After dressing he placed the blanket on a table and joined the rest of his class. When he arrived, they were all seated at the long tables and Mayakovsky was standing before them seemingly impatiently. There were pages in front of every seat at the table, Quentin looked down at them quickly working out what the words said as they were in another language.

“Welcome to Breakbills South, I am Professor Mayakovsky. Here you will be mastering your casting techniques, you will be able to do them without thinking. Who can tell me what the spell is in front of them?”

Alice was quick to raise her hand, “It’s a spell used to drive nails into a board perfectly straight” she said smiling.

“And do we know how to perform the spell?” He countered.

Several of the students began to recite the chant. In response to this Mayakovsky shifted his hands in a few different patterns and it stopped. The students opened their mouths to speak again and nothing came out.

“When you have mastered magic, one no longer has to rely on their voice to get what they want to happen.” Professor Mayakovsky continued.

Frustrated the group of students glared down at the spell in front of them unable to fathom performing the spells sans voice.

“Students gather your spells, I will be showing you to your quarters.”

They were each shown to a room that was not much larger than a walk-in closet, everything in it was white including the desk that contained a shelf with books on magic theory and spellcasting. On the desk was a pad of paper and a cup of pens and pencils. Tucked into a corner was a little orange bottle with a white cap, underneath it was a note scrawled in loopy cursive that was unmistakably Margo’s. The note read _Q, I spoke with Fogg and Lipson they agreed to send you a supply of pills for until you come home, all you have to do is ask Mayakovsky for the refills he has more than enough to last you until you come home to us. We’re sorry we couldn’t tell you about Breakbills South, we hope you will forgive us. Can’t wait until you come home. Be safe and don’t do anything stupid Love you, M and E._

Quentin’s heart dropped, it sounded like they would be here a while and he was not entirely sure he was emotionally prepared for this degree of separation from Eliot and Margo. It started to make sense the way El and Margo kept pushing him to bond with someone from his class, and that it was important for the future, and why the last night he spent with Eliot felt like a farewell.

He slumped into his bed ignoring for a moment the work he was assigned, he needed a moment to feel. Feel sad that he was here, and they weren’t, feel sad that he was alone at a place with his classmates only one of whom he actually trusted. Quentin stared at the white wall feeling sorry for himself and feeling that familiar numbing of depression begin to cloak him. His mind immediately wandered to whether there was anything in this place that has or could be modified into a pointed or sharp edge. Worse comes to worst he can see about pocketing a knife during dinner, they were in graduate school, not a mental asylum no one is counting the knives.

He shook the awful thoughts from his head and wondered how much time had passed since he was at Breakbills. Assuming it had been more than a day Quentin sat up and grabbed the orange pill bottle re-reading Margo and Eliot’s note as he drew one pill out. Knowing that this wouldn’t silence the thoughts, it made him feel like he was doing something, preventing something, even if it was just a placebo.

He sat down at the desk facing the hallway, the doors on all the rooms were propped open and he didn’t realize but he could see into Alice’s room, which also meant she could see into his and might have noticed that he had his first of many silent breakdowns.

Quentin trained his eyes on the page on his desk containing the words to the spell they were supposed to be learning.  He felt like this was hopeless, he had never tried magic without speaking unless it was just casting. But this spell had words to chant, he supposed he could chant them in his head but he struggled with understanding how this could possibly work. He looked across the hall at Alice, who was successfully driving a nail into the board. Feeling like a failure already he focused on the chant and added in the casting where he thought was appropriate. The nail wiggled a little bit, however, it did not move from its position. Quentin exhaled deeply, but due to the silencing spell, it was not audible.

_Why even bother, I’m not good enough for this, I should have just given up before when I had the chance._

Penny walked down the hallway just then and glared into Quentin’s open door, and Quentin could imagine the words coming out of his mouth. _I can’t hear myself think over the level of your self-deprecating thoughts._

Quentin tried to reach into the recesses of his mind to remember the spell Margo wrote down to ward his mind, so Penny would stop hearing him. He gave it a shot not that it worked the last time he tried it. Quentin looked back at the paper and tried again and again, failing time after time, he kicked the leg of the table he was at, curious if that would make a noise. He was surprised to find out it did make a noise, and he looked up to notice Alice looking at him. She held up one finger before grabbing a pen and quickly scrawling a few words, when she was finished she held the pad of paper up. It read _Try focusing on what you want it to do more than the words of the spell_.

Quentin nodded and gave a weak smile, it was worth a shot, he wasn’t really getting anywhere anyway. So, he took a deep breath and focused on the nail picturing in his mind it, embedding itself into the wood in front of him, seeing this he tried to keep it in his mind as he recited the chant and moved his hands. He had a little trouble containing his excitement as he saw the nail hovering, it wasn’t straight, but he felt the progress and that felt like an achievement. Or at least it did until he looked over and saw Alice’s progress and felt like the dumbest person in the room or the school. _Maybe I just don’t belong here, just because this is the only thing I ever thought was truly good in my life, maybe I’m not good enough for this to be mine._ Quentin’s mind raced, and his heart sped up and he found himself gasping silently for air.

He started to feel a little bit dizzy, he knew he needed to focus, but he couldn’t make his brain stop circling around the failure that he was sure that he would be. He leaned back into his chair sliding down to the point where he was almost parallel with the floor. After a moment he slid further until he was sitting on the floor with his back against the chair legs. He somehow felt more comfortable on the floor, as if this was a safe place where his failure couldn’t hurt him because he was already as low as he could get.

Quentin turned his head slightly to the wall on the side of the room, there was a little door that led to a bathroom. He did not stand up yet but slowly half dragged/ half crawled over to the bathroom. Once inside he pulled his body as close to the inside wall as he could and closed the door. He glared at the lock for about 30 seconds and his concentration must have been enough because the lock on the door shifted. Now at least he could feel, process the last few days and the coming ones. Tears began to collect in his eyes and then started to roll off his eyelashes and down his cheeks. _Momma, I need you right now, more than I ever thought I would._ He was surprised that upon being alone with his thoughts and out of the public eye his first instinct was to need Margo. Then he thought about Eliot his sweet, sweet Eliot, _I hope he is staying safe at home_ , he wasn’t doing so hot in the weeks leading up to his departure. _El be good, when I’m home I’ll kick your ass if you did anything stupid because I left… you knew I was leaving you had time to process this, I didn’t…_

Quentin leaned against the tile walls of the bathroom feeling himself physically sink into the floor. Unaware of how much time was passing, Quentin remained on the bathroom floor feeling the coolness of the tiles beneath him. He thought about how hypocritical it was for him to expect Eliot to remain strong when his own strength was diminishing by the second being away from them. That thought was quickly silenced by the instinctual revelation that he could easily pass off driving the nail through his own flesh as an accident while practicing this complex spell.

This new idea brought a sly grin to his face, all he had to do was figure out how to get the nail to do what he wanted it to do. Quentin took one more deep breath in and pushed himself off the floor, he flushed the toilet and washed his hands just in case anyone was paying him any attention.

Since Penny was not standing in his doorway when he emerged from the bathroom, it either meant that either his poor excuse for a mind warding spell worked or Penny just didn’t care. _Maybe he is thinking if this fool dies then at least I won’t have to listen to him screaming in his head about how pathetic he is_ Quentin thought morbidly _._

He sat back down at his desk, shifting his chair as far to the side of the door as he could get. This way Alice wouldn’t necessarily see what he was doing until it was too late. His mind was racing a mile a minute and kept going back to the nail. It was as if every time he blinked he could see its point so perfect and willing to stab its way through his skin. He took a deep breath his eyes scrunched closed trying to slow down his thoughts. When he opened his eyes, he wasn’t sure if he was hallucinating or what, as he stared into the eyes of the part of himself that he always pictured as depression when he was a kid and diagnosed with depression. It was him only younger with darker features, eyes sunken in with years of insomnia. This was the voice in the back of his head that always told him how much better the world would be without him, the part that once upon a time encouraged him to hurt himself that first time.

Quentin was terrified by this outward personification of his innermost demons and was only certain of one way to make him go away. Quentin focused on the nail closing his eyes seeing the nail driving through the thin webbing of skin between his thumb and index finger, without a single chant or even hand movement the nail flew through the air and into his hand. Quentin was only alarmed at how easily he was able to make it happen, possibly due to the intense emotions or because he was going about the task all wrong, to begin with. He quickly pulled his hand away from the board the nail leaving a small indent in the wood but never fully embedding itself. He slipped into the bathroom and locked the door before scanning the cabinet for any kind of first aid supplies. There was a box of bandages and a little tube of antibiotic cream and nothing else. _This will have to do_ Quentin thought as he wrapped his fingers around the nail and drew a sharp inhale as he pulled the nail quickly from his skin. Quentin brought his hand closer to his face and examined the hole left feeling a touch of relief and noting for the first time that his “friend” was gone, despite the certainty that he would be returning in time. He turned on the water turning it to the hottest setting and doused his hands in a generous layer of soap. Knowing that his friends were not here to clean up his mess, but would raise him from the dead and kill him again if he let an infection set in. He paid special attention to the gap in his skin before rinsing the soap away and bandaging himself up.

When he re-emerged he was startled to see Penny, not in the hallway but sitting on his bed. His arms crossed and a scowl on his face.


	16. Breaking Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penny is onto something, and Eliot falls deeper than ever.

Quentin examined his face trying to get a feel for what Penny was thinking. _Probably something along the lines of what kind of pathetic loser are you_ Quentin thought, only half aware that Penny knew everything he was thinking. Too bad he couldn’t tell what Penny was thinking, it would make this whole no voice thing a lot easier than this one-sided intrusive conversation.

Penny looked up at Quentin, his eyes still narrowed and held up a notepad and gestured for Quentin to sit down on the bed.

Quentin reluctantly sat down on the bed sitting as far from Penny as he could get. _What are you doing here?_ Quentin spat in his mind.

Penny shook his head before swirling his hands slamming the door locking it for the time being. Penny took a deep breath and gripping a pen in sloppy cursive handwriting he spelled out “What is wrong with you?”

Quentin read the message and shook his head looking at his lap. _I supposed my wards were pretty dreadful_ Quentin thought.

 Penny shook his head before scribbling “weak… but stronger than they have been. But seriously if I have to stay down the hall from you, you need to stop screaming up there” gesturing to Quentin’s head.

Quentin’s eyes scanned the page _I’ll try to keep it down,_ Quentin thought but his body language said _I’m tired and I’m giving it all I’ve got._

Penny being a psychic but also having eyes could sense the energy changing. He didn’t yet have enough information to work with, and despite how annoyed he portrayed himself, he didn’t want the wards to strengthen right yet because he knew he could observe from afar and intervene if he heard anything. Penny dropped a piece of paper folded up by the little orange pill bottle when Quentin was focused on staring straight down and then disappeared out the door which was left propped open as it had been before Penny came in.

It seemed off to Quentin that Penny had just appeared in his room angrily and left without insulting him or telling him off really. But Penny knew what he was doing, he needed to remind Quentin that there were people around that were watching him and could see or in Penny’s case hear his pain. 

Quentin thought about his wards and how Penny said they had been stronger, but clearly not strong enough to keep him out. He wondered idly what he had heard clearly and what bits he may have missed or were so fuzzy that they were unidentifiable. He felt a shiver up his spine and tried to shake it, he pressed the puncture wound between his thumb and index finger taking an edge off the anxiety he was feeling. After a moment he shook his head clear and sat down at the desk to resume practicing the spell.

 

_Meanwhile back at Breakbills_

Eliot sat with his legs crossed on the edge of his bed, Margo perched on the other side her back propped against the pillows. They had taken to spending their free time sitting in one of their beds staring at each other, both worried about Quentin and how he was dealing with life at Breakbills South. They knew he wouldn’t be back until the end of the semester and that felt like worlds away.

“Do you think he hates us?” Eliot’s voice broke the tense silence that they had been sitting in.

Margo patted her lap beckoning Eliot to move closer, once he did she pulled him into a tight hug. She put one of her hands into his hair and began to stroke his head. “El hun, why would you ever think he would hate us?” Margo whispered soothingly.

“We left him all alone and didn’t tell him what we knew would break him. Even if I knew it was something that was not allowed to be shared I would be pretty angry if I could have had a heads up. Especially after all he has been through these past couple weeks.” Eliot reasoned.

“I am sure he will understand, and if he doesn’t we will sit him down and explain it slowly, and we will continue to explain it until he forgives us,” Margo assured Eliot.

“What if it’s too much, what if this broke him, sends him over the edge.” Eliot worries.

“Well, you see my dear that is where my devious and overprotective momma planning comes in. Remember that ward I taught him to keep Penny out of his head?” Margo paused and waited for confirmation from Eliot who nodded his head. “Well knowing our sweet boy was about to be going away without us, with a psychic that only sometimes hates him in a broody loner kind of way. I only gave him a spell strong enough to shield the mundane low emotion thoughts from Penny but anything charged with emotion still gets through. So, Penny who we know enough about to know that he wouldn’t leave him dying will know if Q gets all dark and twisty, and if nothing else report it to either Alice or Mayakovsky.” Margo explained.

“So, you lied to Q?” Eliot stated.

“It was only a lie by omission, and it was to protect him” Margo defended herself.

“Do you really think Penny will care enough to protect him, and tell someone if something is up?” Eliot asked still concerned.

“I think Penny will care enough about his own sanity, that he will try to make Quentin’s mind as gentle as possible to avoid his own headache.” Margo reasoned eliciting a giggle from Eliot.

“You’re probably right” Eliot admitted leaning into Margo’s chest. “But what if he does something stupid, what if the silence drives him crazy?” Eliot questioned his mind starting to run wild, remembering his own time at Breakbills South. The silence allowing the demons in his head to sneak out of their place in the back of his mind and run rampant.

Margo looked down at the top of his head and exhaled deeply. “We just have to hope that he is strong enough to overcome this or that Alice watches him and keeps him safe for us.” Margo offered, remembering the worry in Quentin’s face when he learned about the third trial and grateful that Alice had chosen him. Of all the first years she knew if anyone was going to keep her baby safe it would be Alice.

“Alice doesn’t know anything about helping Q, just because she knows about his problems does not mean she is equipped to deal with them, hell for a while we weren’t sure you were equipped to deal with them either,” Eliot mumbled.

Margo pushed Eliot from her chest, so she could look at his face. “I’m gonna go ahead and pretend you didn’t say that because your sad and worried,” Margo said trying to keep the hurt out of her voice.

Eliot pouted and looked down, “You know I didn’t mean it like that, it's just a sensitive topic that has a bit of a learning curve” he was playing with the hem on the bottom of his shirt. He couldn’t help but picture Alice trying to get him to show her his scars or take care of him when typically, it required two people. “He’s all alone over there Bambi, and I can’t lose him” his voice was small and far away.

Margo despite her totally rationalized anger pulled Eliot back into her arms and kissed the top of his head. “I know, baby, I know” she whispered feeling a tug of guilt. She had promised to take care of her boy and when he was there, she couldn’t protect him from himself. When she closed her eyes, she couldn’t shake the image of him bleeding on the bathroom floor, or the terror in his eyes the first time she had to change his bandages alone. She had a feeling she wouldn’t stop worrying until he was back home in her arms. She wondered idly if she could have Dean Fogg send Quentin a message for her, knowing his history they might make it happen. She was so busy lost in her own thoughts that she didn’t even notice that Eliot started to fidget with his hands and pull the strings at the bottom of his shirt which were signs that he was struggling with his own thoughts.

Eliot took a deep breath and mumbled something about dinner into Margo’s chest.

“We can go get food from that one place in Chinatown you love so much” Margo offered not noticing how far gone Eliot was.

“Could you bring it home, I don’t really feel like going anywhere,” Eliot asked innocently enough.

“Of course, hun, I can go and be back in 45 minutes” she responded her voice unnaturally cheerful. Had Margo not been preoccupied with her own stuff she might have noticed something off.

“Thanks, Margo” came Eliot’s distant reply. He was already planning out his course of action for the next 40 minutes that he had to himself.

Once Margo was out the door and safely in Chinatown, Eliot snuck into his bathroom where he hid his spare blade, one that Margo never needed to know about. He quickly locked the door and sunk down to the tile floor. _Quentin, I hope you don’t hate me, I don’t know if I can survive this world without you,_ Eliot thought as he made careful judgments on where he could easily hide from a fairly distracted Margo. He wasn’t too concerned Margo seemed pretty deep in her own headspace, hey maybe she wouldn’t even notice if he just disappeared. He shook his head, _no I need to be here when Q gets back, I need to hold on for him, but that doesn’t mean that I have to be just as he left me._ The cynicism in Eliot’s thoughts shook him a little bit but that didn’t do much in the way of stopping his hand. Gripping the blade like it was a rope that was stopping him from falling off a cliff, he lifted his shirt. Not taking it off completely but raising it enough to keep the blood off of it, he placed the blade against the pale skin of his abdomen. Tilting it so that the corner was the only part against his skin he pushed down, scraping along his lower belly. He didn’t stop until the shallow scratch stretched across his stomach, then he scraped along the line again. Tracing it several more times, deeper with each pass, breathing with the pain as it increased as he got further down. He was so mesmerized by how much lighter he felt, feeling like he had fixed everything like he didn’t just dump Quentin in Antarctica without a second thought. Thinking this is how Quentin must feel when he lets go, getting past the physical pain to feel the relief in the pain. Eliot paused for a moment grabbing some toilet paper to dab the blood away from his field, he was both startled and marveled by the thick yellow bubbles sporadically spaced beneath his skin. In the still quiet of his room with his racing mind calmed he could hear footsteps. Eliot quickly checked his watch and was alarmed by how much time had passed while he was infatuated with dissecting his own skin. Swallowing a quick breath, he exhaled and busied himself with cleaning up before Margo could notice he was in the bathroom longer than he should be. He threw some gauze hastily around his abdomen before taping it on, he would have to deal with the rest of it when Margo went to sleep. Doing a final scan of the bathroom to make sure nothing was out of place he flushed the toilet and washed his hands. He looked down one, silently thanking himself for wearing a black shirt today before walking into the bedroom where Margo stood in the middle of the floor with a look that was between impatient and despair. Eliot’s heart dropped, _shit I thought I was sneakier than that_ he thought already prepping his explanation. Before he could open his mouth to apologize Margo’s expression shifted.

Margo narrowed her eyes at him her arms full of bags of food and wine. “I make the trip all the way to Chinatown and you couldn’t even get plates and glasses” Margo scolded semi-jokingly.

“Oh,” Eliot said the feeling in his stomach dissipating “Sorry hun” he apologized before practically running out the door to retrieve the plates and such.


	17. Margo's Rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Margo finds Eliot out.

Over the next few weeks, Margo was so enveloped in her worry for Quentin that she hadn’t noticed as Eliot fell back into old habits. Eliot got so used to Margo paying no mind to him that he started to get a little bit sloppy. He was so engrossed in his own destruction that he wasn’t only doing it when he felt extremely. It had begun to be habitual, every night before he could fall asleep and sometimes in the middle of a, particularly hard day. He would lock the bathroom door and slip back into that familiar place brought to him only by feeling the sting of the blade opening up his skin and watching his blood bloom out from his skin. He stopped caring what part of his body he tore open, and oddly enough it stopped being about releasing pent up feelings and evolved into feeling something anything.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“El?” Margo called, only halting for a moment before barging in. They were getting ready to spend the day in the city to try and keep themselves busy attempting to keep themselves from worrying about Quentin and how he was faring at Breakbills South.

“Margo, Jesus” Eliot shouted shock in his voice as he spun quickly around so his back was to Margo still clutching his shirt over his torso for added protection.

“Relax El, it’s not like you got something I haven’t seen before” Margo snapped. After a few moments, Margo’s expression changed “Or is there?” she said narrowing her eyes glaring into Eliot’s back. “Turn around and look at me El” Margo’s voice was floating between angry and concerned.

Eliot shook his head aggressively, despite the fact that he knew she would know regardless of whether or not he turned around. He was stuck between a rock and a hard place, if he didn’t Margo would know that he is ashamed because he did something and if he did she’d see the evidence for herself. “I don’t wanna” Eliot claimed sounding smaller than he intended to.

Margo came up behind Eliot and wrapped her arms around his waist “Babe, nothing you do could make me love you any less, but you do need to talk to me” she murmured into his neck.

“I tried” was all Eliot could muster as a response before he broke from Margo’s embrace and collapsed to the floor. Pulling his knees to his chest he tried to combat the tears threatening to fall. “I tried so hard” he shook his head slowly. “I just don’t know how to do this alone” his voice barely a whisper.

“What do you mean alone?” Margo sank to the floor beside him edging closer so that their bodies were touching.

“It’s nothing” Eliot quickly responded, after weighing the options between telling her how much it hurt him that she was so focused on Quentin for the past couple of weeks or just going with him missing Quentin.

“It’s clearly not just nothing El, come on talk to me” Margo retorted a little irritated that Eliot had fallen back to his stock responses.

“I just miss him a lot more than I anticipated, and I’m a little worried he won’t want me once he comes back” Eliot offered not really lying but also not really being honest.

“Oh El, you know that he won’t stop loving you, I mean really how could anyone not love you” Margo reasoned.

“I don’t love me” the soft words came out of Eliot’s mouth before he realized they were in his head. Eliot silently hoped that Margo didn’t hear that, but a glance over at her soft face full of pity told him otherwise.

“Eliot, I don’t know why you can’t see how worthy of love you are” Margo said resting her lips on the back of his shoulder. After a moment of sitting in relatively tense silence, Margo opened her mouth to say “now can you turn around and look at me? I think we need to have a talk”.

Eliot felt his face start to turn red and he dropped his head, feeling so much shame for not being able to handle himself. “Do we really have to Margo?” He asked in a futile effort to stave off the inevitable.

“What kind of friend would I be if we didn’t, I made a promise to you and Quentin that I would look out for you and protect you. Even if the thing I’m protecting you from is you” Margo’s voice came more serious than Eliot had expected.

Eliot nodded dismally and uncrossed his arms, before balancing his body on his arms in an attempt to turn his body around without having to waste the energy on standing up. He kept his eyes on the ground as he spun so he didn’t have to see the look on Margo’s face as she saw the extent of the damage he had done to himself.

Margo scanned Eliot’s body, making mental notes of the multitude of wounds in various stages of healing. She didn’t say anything because she knew Eliot hated hearing the pity in her voice, she just silently rose to her feet to retrieve the black medical bag that she kept hidden away in the bathroom. After she came back she made quick work of patching him up, since there was nothing currently bleeding there was only so much to be done. After she placed the last bandage she put her hand under his chin and gently guided his face up so that she could look into his eyes. “Eliot” her voice was stern.

Based on just that one word Eliot knew what she was about to say, and he knew he fucked up and the consequences were his entirely.

“Do you remember what you're supposed to do when you feel like hurting yourself?” Margo’s voice interrupted Eliot’s thoughts.

“Yes, Ma’am. I’m supposed to talk to you or Quentin ma’am.” Eliot’s response came back rehearsed.

“So what happened?” Margo asked.

“I don’t know, ma’am.” Eliot’s voice came back still not wanting to tell her the truth.

“We’ll come back to that one” Margo noted before continuing “What are the rules, Eliot?” Margo asked.

“If we don’t come to talk to you and cut instead, there are consequences” Eliot recited.

“And what have we agreed those consequences to be Eliot?” Margo responded.

“Getting’ spanked” Eliot’s voice quivered.

“That’s right” Margo commended, “Now why don’t you come over here to the bed and lay on your belly for a minute while I run to the bathroom” Margo’s voice sounded somehow both gentle and stern.  

A ball of anxiety was building up in Eliot’s stomach as he nodded and trudged to the bed where Margo was standing. Without much care or effort, he fell face first into the dark blue comforter, his body felt like lead pulling him down so he just stayed there thinking about what was to come.

Margo after leaving the room set about collecting anything she was going to need since Quentin was away she didn’t want to leave Eliot all alone when she went to get him water or anything. She retrieved a few bottles of water, a bottle of liquor, a wooden spoon, lotion, her hairbrush, and a belt. She wasn’t sure what she was going to do yet but didn’t want to leave the room once she started.

She returned within 10 minutes and dropped the drinks and lotion on the desk and the rest of her supplies on the bed.

Sensing the mattress shift under the added weight Eliot lifted his head and gazed at the items in front of him. He sucked a breath in when his eyes met the belt at the bottom of the pile, hoping Margo remembered the outcome of the last time she had used the belt on him. Then idly wondered if that is why she brought the belt, maybe she thought it would do him good to be little Eliot for a while, let go. He had a nagging fear though that when he was no longer in control that he wouldn’t be able to spare her feelings, and the last thing he wanted to do was hurt her more than he already had. “I’m sorry Bambi” Eliot whispered unsure if she could even hear him. After a moment he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“El, stand up for me okay.” Margo’s command lacked some of the authority that had been in it before she left the room.  She sat down on the desk chair and pulled Eliot close to her so that he was standing between his legs. She looked in his eyes and said “I know this must be hard for you, and I’m sorry that I can’t be your Quentin, but I need you to try to accept me as an important player in this. I love you and I’m not sure what I would do if I lost you.”

Eliot nodded solemnly “I know Bambi”.

“Okay hun lets get this over with and maybe we can order Chinese food and watch a movie” Margo suggested. Eliot continued to nod. “Okay then, I’m gonna need you to strip” Margo commanded.

Eliot sighed and dropped his pants and boxers before stepping out of them and kicking the clothing off to the side. Margo motioned for him to lay on her lap and he hesitantly obeyed.

Margo placed a hand on his lower back and rubbed it in circles. “I’m gonna start now okay honey, just with my hand, then I may switch but I will warn you when I do, okay?” Eliot was silent. “I’m gonna need you to answer me, hun,” Margo said.

“Yes ma’am I understand,” Eliot said, he felt like he was having a staring contest with the floor. The first strike came down and despite not being hard it knocked the wind out of him. Eliot was determined to make it through this strong.

Margo set about a rhythm smacking each cheek once and then once across the middle. She continued eliciting small weak pained noises from Eliot until his creamy white ass became a slightly dark shade of pink. Margo’s assault on Eliot’s poor butt began to slow down and she heard Eliot audibly sigh. “Don’t get too comfortable we’re not done, that was just the warm-up, if I let you off that easy you might not learn” Margo commented. She lifted a hand and flicked her wrist, drawing the wooden spoon toward her. “Babe, I’m switching implements.” She warned him “Now I want you to count for me”.

Eliot just hung his head, knowing she wanted him to verbalize his understanding, but also feeling a lack of energy to respond.

After waiting a few long and drawn out seconds Margo landed a quick harsh slap across his ass, “I need you to speak Eliot” she reminded him sternly. She let a few more moments go by before she placed a hand gently on the small of his back. She heard a weak almost whimper coming from Eliot. Knowing or at least thinking she hadn’t pushed him too hard she leaned in close and whispered. “El, are you okay? We can stop, it’ll all be over.”

Now Eliot broke down, into full-blown sobs. It had less to do with what was happening in this moment and more to do with what the circumstances surrounding it were. He took some deep breaths trying to calm himself, but his current position only allowed him so much lung capacity. He tapped Margo’s leg twice trying to tell her to let him go because he couldn’t catch his breath. After breaking away from her grasp he more or less rolled onto the floor. Still trying to breathe, but the tears breaking his breaths into small choppy sections.

Margo had no idea what to do, she wasn’t sure why this broke him. She had done much worse to him without this fallout. “El, I’m sorry.” Was all she managed before shrinking into herself, replaying the incident and trying to establish where she went wrong.

This was not the kind of situation either of them should be in right now. Both incapacitated and unable to help each other, and so broken that they didn’t know where to go or what to do.

The two of them stayed like that for what seemed like hours before Margo got up and to the best of her ability pulled Eliot off the floor to his feet and half dragged him to the bed. At this point, Eliot had stopped crying but was just kind of staring through Margo. Margo got on the bed and pulled Eliot close, “I’m not sure what exactly happened, but I am really sorry hun.” She said as she ran her fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry I can’t be what you needed me to be…” she trailed off and just sat there for a long time petting his hair.

Eventually, Eliot had gotten up enough energy to reposition himself so that he was facing Margo. “Momma I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you” his voice was small, clearly not all of Eliot had returned.

Immediately Margo felt bad, she never wanted to pull out little Eliot without first checking with Eliot. Despite the small evil thought she had briefly earlier, she would never want to force him to become little without his consent.

“Oh no, baby. You didn’t hurt me. You just scared me is all” She babbled before planting a kiss on his forehead. “Why don’t we get you some clothes and ill find you something to eat?” she offered.

“Can I have macaroni?” Eliot sounded more cheerful than he had in weeks.

“Anything you want baby” she promised, putting a stack of clothes on the edge of his bed. “You put these on and I’ll see what I can scrounge up,” Margo said as she left the room. Not entirely sure if little Eliot was really out or if Eliot just wanted her to leave him alone so he could do something stupid, she closed the door and stood there for a few minutes listening. She smiled at the jovial humming she heard paired with a soft made up melody about nothing in particular. Slightly satisfied that he was going to be safe for a little while, she disappeared downstairs to whip up some macaroni and cheese with extra cheese just the way she knew little Eliot liked it.

Eliot sat cross-legged in the middle of the bed picking at the frayed edges of the comforter humming to himself. What Margo had assumed was cheerful was more of a self-soothing technique. His body and the subconscious part of his mind were trying to tell him that he was really worked up, and despite just coming out of a meltdown, that he was close to totally breaking.

He was still sitting there swaying slightly back and forth when Margo came back into the room. When she saw him she almost dropped the tray she was carrying to the floor. Instead, she swiftly closed the door and dropped the tray onto the nearest flat surface. Within seconds she was beside Eliot, who was still rocking back and forth picking at the threads of the comforter. She placed a hand on his shoulder, slowing down his movements, which caused Eliot to look up at her with watery eyes.

“What’s wrong my sweet boy?” Margo’s voice was soft and had a hint of a melodic tone.

Eliot just shook his head apparently embracing his childhood and adulthood alike ability to compartmentalize and repress his feelings. “I okay, macaroni please” Eliot adopted a slightly more cheerful demeanor.

Margo reached out her hand to rub his hair “sure honey if you’re sure”, her fingers danced for a moment and the tray came towards them.

They ate in a semi-tense silence both of them anticipating the breakdown that they knew was coming, they just had no idea when or how far down it would take them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not 100% how I wanted this chapter to pan out, but after many times re-writing this chapter it at least sets up where I feel like I want the story to go. 
> 
> As a side note: I have come to realize it is all or nothing with me, either I write a bunch of chapters all at once or I struggle to get my ideas to flow the way I want. I hope to write a lot more in the next few weeks, but I've sort of fallen into my own hole of sorts, so I don't make any promises.


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